Mourning an Unexpected Loss

Hey,

Well...all losses are unexpected, and all losses are hard. I've lost a lot of people in my life, whether it have been my first love, my childhood friend, my biological mom, a good friend from college that I'd fallen out of touch with, a surrogate grandmother, and those are just the folks that died. Sometimes we lose people without them actually dying, just by simply losing touch. In the world of cell phones and email, it's hard to lose track of people as we move and migrate through our lives. 

Today, though, I found out that my best friend Kevin, the same one who is dealing with his own mortality via a battle with pancreatic cancer, has lost his grandmother. The ordinary relationship that a typical boy has with his grandmother is (based on my experience) full of something I call "living disdain". In that you love the person, but aren't exactly thrilled to be spending time with them, mainly because they are either unhip, boring or just not a person you'd choose to be around of your own free will. 

Kevin and his grandmother, Grandma Eve (Evelyn), were always joined at the hip. Even as a little boy, he'd always talk about how cool she was, and how he always felt like he really was her son instead of his mom's. He looked forward to spending time with her every summer in California, and when he couldn't make it to her, she came to him. She even adopted me by being my grandmother, bringing me sushi lunches in high school, buying me purses and shoes, and kissing me just as much as she kissed Kevin, if not more so. When I was with the two of them, I never felt like I was the odd man out. She had the biggest laugh, always giggling with me and Kevin about something, and taking us both out to late-night movies and ice cream sundaes, even when we got older and no longer thought of those outings as the highlight of our week. 

As Kevin grew up, she was there for him, from his highest moments to his less flattering and lowest moments, and she never once judged him or said a harsh word against him. When we were sitting in the hospital waiting to hear what the situation was when Kevin got shot in the stomach for messing with some gang dude's girlfriend, she just said, "It's Kevin. He does sh** like that." (He turned out to be very lucky and the bullet hit no vital organs, just cost him a three-day hospital stay and a week and a half of bed rest after that. Later that day, when I saw him first in his room, he told me he was scared of seeing his grandmother's 'mean face'. When he needed money to go to college, she sold her house and moved into a nice condo, putting the difference into an account in Kevin's name, which he used to pay for his education. When Kevin got sick, she was there for him even more than his own mother was, stepping into the role of guardian on more than one occasion, and talking with the doctors about his treatment. She offered her home to him, and he accepted, knowing that he'd be taken care of, and not babied, and that his grandmother would have his back, 100 percent of the time. She'd often refer to him as her baby, and me as her adopted granddaughter. Later, she'd call me her granddaughter, and drop the word "adopted". 

Today, I found out that she has passed away. She wanted to not outlive her eldest grandson, and in a twisted way, she got her wish. We don't know exactly what happened, but it appears that she succumbed to a household accident. I don't want to go into specifics, but it was not something that could be attributed to suicide. Kevin's father, Eve's ex-son-in-law, found her while Kevin was at our friend's house 2 hours away. He was the one to tell him of her death, and I am thankful that he was there to be a boulder of support for him. It is a sad day indeed.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

PS: My ex-boyfriend, Mr. Wonderful, found out about the blog and has told me of his intent to read it from beginning to end. I'm not quite sure how to feel about it, since the beginning of it, and a good portion since, has a lot to do with him and is about him. 

The Sanctity of Marriage

Hey,

So today's MisAdventure is about marriage. Better yet, the idea of purpose of it. Is it outdated, not needed or required in this age of technology?

A while ago, I was working as a waitress at a popular Hyde Park (Chicago neighborhood that is home to the University of Chicago) bar/hangout. In this bar, I was flirted with all the time. Old men, young men, married men, single men, even women. I admit that I used my feminine wiles to get more tips. You'd be surprised how much of a difference makeup makes when you're pushing sex burgers. A full face of makeup, along with a bare midriff would get me at least $120-$150 a night, where as the makeup without the bare belly would get me around $100. I never did rock anything short or low-cut, but girls that did made way more than that $150. 

Some of the guys who came in were cute. Others were rich. Others were a bit of both and ugly. But most were enslaved married. Can you tell already that I've got a negative view on marriage? Most of the married men just admired my "taut body", "ample curves", etc. (The words in quotes were things I was told...seriously). One day in particular, a Sunday, I was waiting on a big group of male motorcycle enthusiasts. They were just a group of guys who ride around on their bikes together, as well as have fun on the weekends. Now, I'm a single girl. I am now, and I was then, so if I saw a guy who seemed nice enough, had a decent head on his shoulders and made me laugh, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and talk with him. If he said things I liked, I'd give him my phone number. No harm in that.

One guy in particular was really attractive. He and I formed a relationship due to my interest in bikes, and when he took me to this place in the burbs to look at them, he tried to sneak a kiss on me. We ended up hanging out a lot over the course of a few months, and I found myself really liking my company. He was funny, kind, considerate and as I found out later, married. I felt lied to, betrayed and used, but I knew the situation could be much worse. Even despite all that, he still wanted to see me. 

I talked to my mom about it, since she'd met him (meeting my mom is not the big deal it can be with people) and started to ask me about how he was doing. When I confessed to being involved with a married man, my mom asked me how I found out he was married. That, in itself, was a story.

Basically, we went out to go to the zoo and then get a sundae one afternoon, and I'd brought my four year old cousin with me. He had her in his arms, and we all were having a great time. And my little cousin doesn't like anyone she doesn't know touching her. So, when he picked her up and she was okay with it, I started thinking, "Could I really date this guy?". When I asked him about his ability to connect with kids, he said it was because he'd had a kid of his own. This was no news to me, because I knew he had kids, but after I asked the question, he got quiet. The vibe of the entire outing changed. After he dropped me off, he and I didn't speak for a few days. When we did speak, we had a conversation that went a little something like this:

Him: So there's something I need to talk to you about.

Me: What's up [name], you can talk to me about whatever. 

Him: Well, let me just say that I really like you, and I'm enjoying myself with you. I see a future for us.

Me: A future? Isn't it a bit early to have the whole 'possibility of a relationship conversation"?

Him: Well, yes...but this isn't that conversation.

Me: What conversation is this one, then?

Him: This is the conversation where I drop a bomb on you, and hopefully you understand, forgive me and we move on.

Me: Okay, so what is this bomb? (Preparing myself to faint, scream, yell, or kill, depending on the bomb)

Him: When I told you before that I had kids, I should have told you I had something else.

Me: Something else...do you mean like an STD?

Him: No, I have a wife. I'm married.

Me: *DEAD*

So this situation has made me skeptical of marriage. The idea, the dream, the preciousness (if that's a word), and the importance of it. I hate to say it, but I still talk to the guy. No, not in a dating fashion or even a sexual fashion, but we do talk every now and then. Does it make me the bad guy because I briefly dated a married man? True, I didn't know it, but then again, I wasn't paying attention. Ignorance is no excuse, I know. But it made me laugh at the idea of marriage. Before this experience, I wanted to get married, pop out some kids and honor and love my husband all the day of my life. Before, I was looking forward to getting married, having a future and living my life with someone as a young person and then sit on the porch of our home and grow old with them, surrounded by our children and grandchildren. Now, I'm simply afraid that I'd end up like [name]'s wife, and wind up with a husband who has feelings for another woman. 

You could argue that he was just lying about having feelings because he wanted to get into my pants. But, since that never happened, and most of the time we ended up just having really in-depth conversations about things, you'd be hard pressed to feel that the relationship was sexually based. I've always felt that creating a mental connection with someone is a deeper violation than any physical thing, because it takes more brain power and genuine interest to connect with someone emotionally and mentally than it does physically. So, in theory, if my husband were bonding with another woman on the mental level, I would be more upset than if he slept with her, because the mental connection means there is a mutual interest in making a connection deeper than the simple "bang".

Why do I feel that way based on that experience? Well, here is a man, a seemingly great guy, who is a father, employed, and yet, he's desiring another woman. So much that he would deny his marriage, and then when he started to grow feelings (which he did), the guilt got to him and he admitted his true relationship status. No, I never "closed the deal" with the guy, but I could have. I don't know what I would have done if I had, or how I'd have felt. And realistically, I'm single (and I thought he was too), so it is realistic to think that it could have happened.

Kickin It and Doing the Damn Thing

Hey,

I have been doing the low profile thing for a minute. But today, I decided to go out and handle some business that I'd been putting off forever (don't you hate that), and I just was thinking in terms of myself in relation to the rest of the world.

I realized that even if one person is bummed, depressed, afraid, upset, angry, etc..the world still goes on. I guess I felt like my life was a movie, I was the star, my friends and family were all supporting characters and the random people I encountered everyday and didn't make any kind of connection with were extras. People I knew, but weren't around as much as my friends and family simply made cameos. So, I finally realized that's quite a self-centered way to think. It's more about not letting circumstances cripple you so that you can enjoy your movie, whether you are the focus of it or not. I'd been in the house a little bit too much, mainly because I'm just in that mood...but I guess in some weird way, I felt like the world would have stopped. I guess it makes me feel kinda small, but also urges me to not get into the moods where I want to stay inside more, mainly because I will feel as if I've truly missed something.

So, in my adventures in being local, I think I've made progress in trying to get my kitten Samantha trained. Training a cat is difficult, let me just say. If the cat is stubborn, like how both she and my older cat, Hugh Laurie, are, it is even more difficult. But because I stuck with it, she's just as smart as Hugh was at her age, if not smarter. I've also been doing a lot of reading, with these LSAT books and researching the classes, and all that FUN stuff.

I wish I could go into detail about everything currently happening to me, but I can't. For the first time in my life, I feel a little stifled. It's weird, because no one or nothing has ever gotten me to the point where I felt like I couldn't talk. And now I am. But I digress.

My question for the people who are reading is this-

At what point do you let the things that invigorate your life, and make you what you want to be, isolate you from the aims and focuses of the everyday?

Just a question

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Why Do I Over Think the Smallest of Things?

So I started this blog with the idea that I'd share my most inner thoughts and try as little as I could to censor myself. However, along the way, I found that it be best that I not put people's names out there, as well as myself, for the sake of having some privacy just in case someone off the street walked up to me and started asking me about my postings. 

Weirdly though, that has happened, especially when I posted about my ex saving me from the hands of two would-be rapists. But I digress.

I've decided to just go back to my original plan and let things fall where they may. Who cares, life  is too short?! So, with that, I delve into my latest MisAdventure.

I am celibate. Yes, I said it, and no I'm not lying. A long time ago, back in my Washington DC days, I was okay with having sex outside of a relationship, and was okay with the idea of having more than one partner a year. Some people aren't, and considered that slutty, and I pretty much told them to go to hell. Literally and figuratively, I said it. I drank at parties, had a good time, always was at a party or going out on a date, and if I wanted to sleep with a guy, I did. I never had an issue with sex, did not consider myself to be conservative and enjoyed my lifestyle. Just as a side note, I've always believed in protection and safe sex, and have never had an STD.  Nor have I been in any situation where I found myself loathing my annual gynecologist visit, awkwardly waiting any test results. No shockers in that department. 

However, I wasn't sure I liked that person. She was a bit too unfocused on school, a bit too vivacious and liked to spend her nights drinking and partying, her mornings in the bed and drinking tea to calm down her headaches rather than go to class. But the grades never suffered. Both she and I knew that failure was unacceptable, and anything below a B was a problem. It was a strain being both her and me at the same time, because it was draining me physically, mentally and emotionally, so I decided to let the party girl go, and I have to admit, it was really hard to say goodbye to her. She was fun. But she was keeping me from achieving my goals. In letting her (the party girl) go, I embraced my inner nerd. 

But, in the process of letting the party girl go, in 2004, I decided to become celibate. Well, I broke that a few times when I was in relationships, but outside of those, I would not have sex. However, I didn't realize that abstaining from sex would be so difficult. Not for me, but for those around me. Men who I knew as friends revealed their desire to sleep with me, men I dated wanted to sleep with me, women I knew didn't believe I actually was celibate, my celibacy made them feel like whores, and I was cursed out,  along with their opinion of me going downhill, mainly because they figured I was lying about it or they chose to push me down to feel better about themselves Who knows? But I know that I have no reason to lie about having sex, about my lack of a sex life, especially to anyone else. I don't need that much praise from anyone. I've thought often about breaking the celibacy vow just because of the drama that having it entails. I even got close to doing it. Then I realized that I'd be breaking the vow to appease others, and I realized that was wrong. Plus, the guy was a dick. So, I am happy to say that I did not go through with it. 

My over-thinking comes with the fact that I am stressing over this decision to be celibate. I'm not going to be such forever, just until I get the right feeling about the right guy, whether that be on the wedding altar or on the seventh date. I don't know why I think so much about it, but I do. It seriously keeps me up nights. I had a dream that some guy was trying to deflower me, and I woke up in a cold sweat. So why am I over thinking this? Is it because I feel like I'm not sure in my decision? Or just that I'm second guessing it because I made the promise/vow for the wrong reason, just to prove to myself that I could?

(To purchase the "Embrace Celibacy" tank pictured above, click here.)

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Let's Be Straight Up For Once! I am...

Hey,

I've decided that I'm not gonna sit on my blog and lie about what my intentions are in terms of dating and mate searching. I want a guy who is willing and who wants to take care of me. There, I said it. And before everyone gets all up in arms about me being a girl digging for gold, giving me money is NOT what I mean. 

Wu-Tang said it best, "Cash rules everything around me/C.R.E.A.M. get the money/dolla dolla bills y'all"

I am not a gold-digger. I do not need someone to take care of me to the point where my life style changes, or that I'm dependent on a guy. When I say I want someone to take care of me, I mean that essentially chivalry, the very idea that my parents raised me on, is dead. I want to revive it, not only for myself, but for all the women of the world. When I say I want someone to take care of me, I mean that I want someone that knows more chance than not I won't be able to pay the bill if we go to some lavish place because of my school status so he'd not mind paying for me if necessary. He'd rub my feet after a hard day, to know when to bring me dragon maki rolls if I'm feeling down, to get me a Red Bull if I am on the verge of an all nighter, to open doors for me, to tell me I'm beautiful when my nose is red from blowing it, that I'm sexy when I'm bloated and that my worries are his. I guess I want a partner more than a boyfriend. That's what I mean when I say take care of me. Maybe that's too much for dating nowadays, but there are glimmers of hope. 

Today's MisAdventure is about this need that women say they have for a man with money. I was talking to a group of friends and I'm not going to say who, but pretty much all of them were saying that they needed a man to have money. When I asked what that means, they all looked at me as if I was speaking some language they did not understand. I asked again, "What does that mean?". Basically, I was informed that a man with money is needed because these women like "nice sh*t". But my question is, what are you bringing to the table? If a man is good looking, has a job, a car, a place and has money....he's bringing the "A" game. If you're struggling, just in school with no job, and staying at the parent's house while borrowing their car to get to and fro...what do you bring? Don't get it twisted, I'm all for a guy bringing things to the table, but let's be sure that you aren't just selling yourself to the highest bidder. It disgusts me that the world has become so focused on material, that they ignore substance. More worried about Benjamins instead of IQ points. Sad, sad, sad.

So, of course when I voiced that opinion, I was bullied and pretty much kicked out of the conversation...because I believe that relationships should start on equal footing. That the things that are lacking from one partner should be compensated by the other, and so forth. 

But conversely, I have to ask the question: Why are we as women afraid to demand what we want, and follow it? Why are we lowering our standards for the benefit of a relationship? What does that prove? It only allows more opportunity for heartbreak, emotional turmoil and DRAMA. Bitter feelings, ill will, resentment, all that can be a factor when settling in a relationship. However, in the world, how do we know if we are settling? How do we know if someone is not our equal? In my experience, I've tried to follow my gut and my instinct. I've tried to be as honest and open about what I want in a partner, and maybe that's why I'm single. Maybe my needs, and the needs of other women are so high...that we end up alone. Temporarily or permanently, but it will be and is by choice.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

The Definition of the Types of Dates

Hey All,

Okay, now that I've done my civic duty to discuss the world events, back to the less serious things that I seem to talk about in this blog. I got an email a few days ago from a blog reader asking me about date ideas, because as we all know, there are many more things to do other than the old dinner/movie combination. So, I sat down with my pen and pad and started to think. Since there are so many different facets to dating, I've broken down my ideas into sections. Take from which section that fits your goal/aim with the person. Since I reside in Chicago, any examples I use to elaborate on them will be based on Chicago.  But before I give my date ideas, I figured I should use this blog to define the criteria in which I've classified them. The initials next to the type of date it is are those I will use in future reference.

First Date: FD

The first date is the date where you typically get to know someone. If you have not had a chance to get to know this person well enough to decide if you're attracted to them, then this date is the opportunity to do just that. Usually when I'm iffy about a person, I'll do the movie/dinner route, mainly because the movie is entertainment and having dinner after gives us something to talk about. However, while the movie/dinner, dinner/movie is very easy and can be fun, depending on both the movie and the company, it is the regular. Here are some of my suggestions to get to know someone at the introductory "I think I might like you but I'm not really sure yet" stage. Granted, there are different types of first dates, but these are specifically for those who maybe met their date through a friend and don't know them well.

Familiar Date: FAMD

Like first dates, but different in that the people know each other. Maybe they are friends, associates or work together. These dates can be just as awkward, if not more so than first dates, because if they go badly, unlike a date where the participants don't know each other, these two will be around each other again, because of their prior relationship. Unless they are friends and end it right there. (Which is not the desired result).

Second Date: SD

Obviously there was a first date and there was enough chemistry to warrant a second. Hopefully, there are feelings developing, but this date should want to amplify them. This date should be more casual than the first, but also allowing the people to connect on a deeper level.

Group Dates: GD

Not my personal favorite type of date, mainly because there are other people around, and if this is the first outing for anyone, there can be general awkwardness for everyone invovled. Bad group dates usually mean the people who know each other talk all through it, leaving the other two out of the conversation. If that happens, prepare for an excruciatingly boring evening.

Romantic Dates: RD

These are the dates you'd take if you want someone to make a move, such as taking things to the next step, physically. That may be a kiss or having sex, or anything in between. Usually occur somewhere between the third and the eighth date. I only say eighth because if the average couple goes on a date once a week, then after two months, if nothing physical has happened...it more than likely won't. If it's less than once a week, it DEFINITELY won't.

Short Term Relationship Dates: STRD

Dates for couples that are exclusive, but have not been together for more than a year. At that point in a relationship, there should still be some things you have not experienced, and memories are left to be created. There should be little to no problem in finding and creating passion, only just that there may be the feeling of being in a 'rut' because the people in the relationship feel as if their outings are the same things, over and over.

Long Term Relationship Dates: LTRD

Dates for couples that are exclusive, and have been together more than a year. Like most human connections, at this point love is in the equation or at least, a deep appreciation and respect. There may be problems in finding new ways to connect, and there may be ruts and other issues. The couple may or may not live together, creating a need for personal space. These dates should be a combination of romance, rekindling and reconnecting. If there are no problems, these dates are the chance for the couple to connect even further. 

Breaking the Gender Roles

Hey All,

So, obviously you guys know I'm a girl. And in many ways, I'm a girlie girl. I like stilettos, dresses, lace undergarments and fruity cocktails. I like having my door opened for me, I like not having to pay for dinner on dates, I like being able to pick at my food and it be socially acceptable. I also like having a guy carry me around if my feet hurt because of my shoes, and I like being able to lean on a guy when I'm walking, especially when I fit right into his nook..(the nook being that space on his body between his shoulder and his hip, but not all the way by his armpit)...but I'm also blessed with guy tendencies.

Converse to all my female tendencies, I love to drink beer, belch, pass gas and hang out with the fellas. I watch football, I love to watch horror films, rooting for the villain and laugh at the character getting slaughtered, and I think nothing of horsing around and making a fool of myself. But, I also spent summers with my dad, who showed me how to work on a car, from fixing its brakes to working on all the fluids, changing oil and oil filters, to changing out coolant hoses, batteries and even how to mend a tire and replace it if need be. My dad was an ace for that...

So I consider myself pretty knowledgeable...even though most of the stuff I've never HAD to do, but I do at least know how to do things. So it really, really, really irks me when someone, especially a man, tries to be like, "Oh you changed your oil...well, I hope you changed your filter too." *No offense to the person who said that to me* But, I get a 100 comments like that a day. Obviously my car hasn't blown the f*ck up, so I must know a little something...right? And it's always a dude who says that...girls will ask "Can you teach me how to do that, too?"...but fellas, what is with that sh*t?! Why can't you just be like, "Hey, good job" not "Do you really know what the hell you're doing, you idiot.." like just because I'm without a penis that I can't do a typical "man" thing. So my question is, do testicles make you more auto-friendly? Maybe not just auto-friendly, but able to do things that typical females don't...

Also, my mom is a great cook. She loves to cook. I don't...well, not really. I can cook, don't get it twisted, but it's not my inclination to jump up and be like, "Hey, lemme go fix breakfast." Like, with my ex, who'll I'll call Mr. Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda...(He woulda graduated college a year before he did, he coulda been my Mr. Right but he shoulda treated me better) was steadily on that sh*t. In the morning, he'd always ask me to cook something. Gents, just so you know, if you're gonna have your girl overnight, and you're gonna ask her to cook don't have an empty fridge! LOL. That used to drive me bananas. But, I digress. 

The point is, don't go assuming stuff just based off my gender or my race or my anything actually. Just be proud I'm not some lame-ass damsel in distress. Be proud of my independence, hell...embrace it! Be glad I'm not some whiny person begging you for help on something that you may or may not know how to do yourself...love that I'm interested in learning how to better myself with the knowledge to live in the world, and be happy for me. If I add my coolant fluid to my whip when it needs it, play GTA4 on my 360 and belch when I need to..maybe I'll be more inclined to cook, clean or wash dishes. 

*Ashley Robin*

Summer, Summer, SummerTime! (And the Need for Summer Love)

Hey,

I look at the date and realize it is almost the end of May, which means one thing.. (drumroll) SUMMERTIME! And with the onset of summer, come the sandals, sarongs and swimsuits but also that of the Summer Love. It's on people's minds..ask Justin Timberlake, who even wrote a song about it. People look, feel and are sexier in the summer, mainly because of the lack of clothes. Im not sure what it is, really. I can remember hanging out with the fellas growing up, and watching them play "who can get the most numbers in an hour" game. I'd laugh (to myself, of course) because I knew that most of those girls weren't getting calls, and if they did, it was nothing serious. 

However, as we get older, I wonder...are those kind of games still being played? Except instead of the number, it's a one-night stand or a one-date stand. I'm always cautious of relationships formed in the summer, mainly because more people feel that they need a date to all the barbeques, picnics, beach outings, etc that happen during the summer. Also, since all these events happen, relationships are easier to maintain, because there is a lower expectation to 'go all out' to spend quality time together. But the heat also makes for more passion, not just in lovemaking and all the foreplay attached, but also in the relationship. Some say that because all this passion exists in such a short time, summer relationships tend to end when the season is over..burnt out, and requiring former lovers to heal and re-energize themselves over the fall and winter seasons, just to start the whole cycle over again that next summer. 

Thoughts?

Romancing the Sex

Hey all,

I'm not sure where I've been the last few days, weeks, months, years...but I was suddenly introduced to the idea of sex being a huge deal. I guess I always knew of people who believed it to be a massive thing, some sort of entity that they carry around with them, this idea of "massive sex". However, I do not share that philosophy. Not that I'm some random whore of a woman who sleeps with anyone I come into contact with, I just do not feel that sex can be held up to that high of an ideal. Because, like most ideal concepts, if they are held too high, they eventually shatter. Herein develops the theory of "real bad sex". I have had enough experience in the world to know that the longer you feign for something, desire it, dream of it, when 'it' happens...well, 'it' may not live up to the expectations you had. Like a good slice of New York pizza or chocolate ice cream when thought of too long, sex can become uninteresting, unimaginative and distasteful. 

So, imagine my surprise when I happened to come across an individual who feels sex is a pretty big deal. This individual, of more than average intellect, physical characteristics and wit, was able to tell me that each time they had sex it meant something to them, and it was indeed some sort of peak in a relationship. However, when I presented my idea that maybe sex is routine for some, and should not be the reason why so many women end up on "Snapped", why so many people go missing, why so many spouses end up dead or divorced...they were unable to explain why they felt this way, other than to say it was what they were taught as a child. Hmm...really?

Let's be honest. In ancient times, when sex was required in order to create more members in a society, it was not some special thing. Most men, who were deemed desirable in their physical traits in those days were told to have sex as often as possible in order to create desirable heirs to their name.  Only with the overpopulation of humans, the concept of love as well as marriage between two people lasting forever, did the idea of the physical representation of a union (sex) grow the emotional and "big deal" ideology that stands today. Also, with the addition of unwanted pregnancy, disease and feelings of lust disguised as love that can come as the result of an orgasm (male or female), sex has become more a "mental game" than a simple physical activity designed to create children, which, by the way, happens to feel good to both partners. I've thought about this while trying to build thoughts to discuss sex on the radio show, and I'm sure that not everyone will agree. However, I ask that they take the disease, the possible resulting children and even love out of the equation. The act of sex is not the "head game", but the dealing with the partner. Therefore, "Romancing the Sex" shouldn't happen. Leave the romance for later.

A.

Somethin' For Nothin'

So, I'm making my plans for the New Year. Everyone says that it's resolutions, that every new year allows us a chance to clean our slates and start anew..and while I'm no big believer in fresh starts, mainly because fresh starts don't exist, I'm owning up to my mistakes, and planning to make the best decisions in my life. Also, fresh starts don't really exist..especially in relationships. I say this because things never seem to want to be left alone. Sadly, we live in an insecure society. People feel that they must be judge against as well as judge other people. Were they better looking, better in bed, funnier, smarter, more interesting, charming, giving than I am? I'm sure at some point everyone has asked these questions, especially when dealing with matters of the heart and matters of intimacy. It's the questions that drive us. Well, my philosophy is to let sleeping dogs lie. Otherwise, leave the past alone. If it isn't affect you, what you currently do or plan to do, then it shouldn't matter. Sadly, I have yet to meet someone, especially a male that I'm attracted to. I thought that these issues would kind of be resolved, but, I just cant seem to find the combination of sexiness, maturity, sensuality, kindness, trust and devotion in a man. I keep looking though, and that brings me to my New Years 'resolution', to devote myself to myself...to find self-love first, and then find it in someone else. I wish I could relieve certain moments in the past over again, behave differently, but since it's not an option, I will be shaking the past moments, assumptions and bad advice off of my feet and going for what is best for me. Not the concept that is given four stars by Good Housekeeping magazine.

A.