Mr. Wonderful Makes An Extended Cameo

Just came from having breakfast with Mr. Wonderful. He actually came to my house, talked to my mom for a while, trying to get on her good side, but if you know my mother, once you get on her shit list, it's kinda hard to not be on it for some part. I think I'm really the only person that can piss her off one minute and be back on good terms with her the next. He tried, though, and Mom told him so, but she said the only way he could get back in well with her was to fix things with me...not just in terms of our bf/gf relationship, but our friendship as well.

Anyway, he and I went to the Pancake House to get some food, the site of one of first "official date", and while we were sitting there, I couldn't help but feel all those memories come flooding back. I mean, we were sitting in the exact same booth! My fault with him, why I don't really want to be with him is because of his preoccupation with other things. (Not to mention that he tends to forget about me in public arenas, forsaking me for the pretense of not having a girlfriend, appearing single to everyone except the people that really know him...and in doing so, hurting my feelings.) He says he cares, and I can tell that he does, but is that enough? Is it important for me to be acknowleged 24/7 or can I live with his need to appear a certain way in a certain setting as long as I know he's leaving with me? Isn't it nice to have someone there for you 100%, to be able to say that if something popped off, they'd be there for you, that you can point at and say "He's mine"? Isn't that normal relationship expectations? Or am I just psycho to think so? Should I be flexible? Should I just let him love me the way he wants, with no expectations?

(FYI- If he and I sort this out and give this another whirl, he wants me to move in with him. And that's another issue...am I ready to live with someone on their terms? Am I ready to give up my life with my mom, which is fairly independent, since she's more of a roomate than a mother type of figure? Should I make that sacrifice because he wants to fall asleep with me in his arms? Should I jump headfirst into it if I have issues regardless....or just say "fuck it' and do it since we only live once? SO MANY QUESTIONS....)

We finished breakfast early, and were riding around, just talking about things, and I asked him to take me to his house so I could get my clothes. Yes, I spent the night at his house (repeatedly, actually) and yes, I left clothes there. I don't exactly tell everyone everything I do...there's gotta be something I keep to myself, for myself.. just for my own pleasure. I can't be expected to share my entire life on the internet...LOL. My own little secrets. Anyway, we went to his house, and I saw a picture of him and I on the dresser next to his bed. The picture was of one his boy took, him carrying me on his back, him looking back at me and my face buried into his neck. That picture was taken the night after he first kissed me...and it actually made me smile to think he woke up and the first thing he saw was a picture of me. We were sitting on the bed, talking about things, and since there was a while before I had class, we decided to curl up on the couch and watch Oprah. (That was our morning routine...I'd make breakfast and we'd watch Oprah in our pajamas)

Doing that whole thing made me miss him even more, and I'm sure he did that on purpose. I'm not even shocked that I'd end up there with him, since he does seem to have some kind of pull/hold on me...those big brown eyes....I just fall into them. I couldn't help curling up in his arms, and closing my eyes, breathing in the faint hint of his cologne. Lately, he's been listening to Marques Houston's Naked album, because there are some serious sex songs on it and coincidentally, there was a song playing when we woke up called "I Wasn't Ready".

Lyrics:

[Verse 1: Marques Houston]
Wen u talked about our future
U would nod ya head and smile
But I didnt understand it
I was living in denial
I couldnt see tha picture
But now I see it clearer
Cause I was so young
And now that I could get cha
I wanted ta be wit cha
What have I become

[Chorus]
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
This is game that ive playin cause (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
I neva gave u ma all wen I had ur trust (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
But I put this on everything that I love
One more chance so we could make up
Wish it coulda worked back then
But the truth is I wasnt ready (I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Verse 2: Marques Houston]
Momma told me bout excuses
She'd say that there no use to say
Watchu would have done but did it
I had to learn the hard way
Now that its over
I wanted to jus hold u
But I kno I cant
I'm tryna be a soldier
I wanna do it over
Give me one more chance (I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Chorus]
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
This is game that I've playin cause (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
I neva gave u my all wen I had ur trust (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
But I put this on everything that I love
One more chance so we could make up
Wish it coulda worked back then
But the truth is I wasnt ready (I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Hook: Marques Houston]
Can I get a re-do baby
Cause u no I need u baby
And now I'm ready for ur love, ur love
I jus wanna see u baby
Jus wanna smell and breathe u baby (your so beautiful mami)
Cause I hate what we`ve become (yeah)
I wasnt ready for ur love

[Rap: Rufus Blaq]
Yo I waited I contemplated and then I did it
There was room for relationship but pretty had to hit it
We like hand in glove, a head to a yankee fitted
Game is responsibily, its all how u spit it (betta yet live it)
Cause karma is a tru adventure
Sorta like a ninga or king and all his splender
Remember love can be as cold as decemeber
Unless its in its truest form I could neva end ya
Can break or make u, see my vision cuz I know eventually
Ull see my vision by the way I'm livin (this is a given)
I'm givin u my heart I'm givin u my soul I'm givin u my gold
I'm sorry for the dirt that I did
Sneakin broads in and out tha crib
Tha double life I lived
They say a fool sells dreams
But a man makes dreams come tru
Mami I changed all for the love of u

[Chorus x2: Marques Houston]
(I,I wasnt ready)
This is game that I've playin cause (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
I neva gave u my all wen I had ur trust (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
But I put this on everything that I love
One more chance so we could make up
Wish it coulda worked back then
But the truth is I wasnt ready
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
[CORNER BOYS]
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Outro: Marques Houston]
Wish it coulda worked back then, damn ...

Irony is such a bitch when she wants to be, ain't she? I told him he should listen to that song a little more closely. He just hugged and kissed me, and drove me to school. (The school he recommended I go to and he himself graduated from...how's that for further irony...I go to the school he wants me to, because he didn't want me to leave him and go back to Howard, and we're still breaking up....)

Sometimes, certain things just aren't meant to be...we'll see what happens in terms of him. I hope for the best, whatever that is...

XoXo,

Ashley Robin

Wondering: Where Has All The Time Gone?

I've been thinking a lot about Kevin lately. It's kinda weird, I talk to him daily, as usual, but I miss him a lot. Life seemed to be....slower without him. It's like now, I'm in the end middle of January, and I don't really think I've accomplished anything. I wanna try to get my butt into shape like I was back in my high school tennis, track, crew and ballet days, but I just can't find the time to really dedicate to it. It's weird, because going back to school...I don't remember being this tired! I feel like all I can do is look forward to the weekends so that I can get sleep, and then when I actually have work to do, I feel like chucking my books across the room at someone...anyone. LOL.

I have decided that this whole "wait until Mr. Right comes along to rescue me from a life of singleness" might not work after all. Seeing as how recent developments with Mr. Wonderful who I said I wasn't going to deal with anymore seem to complicate that, I've decided to sort out the situation with him totally before I move on. I don't really want to get into the problems of it, but let's just say who and what he is complicates every aspect of my chance for hapiness with him, but because of his personality, style and general aura of liquid sexiness, I can't resist him. And I've tried. Horribly. And failed. LOL. It's so pathetic. I've started watching Grey's Anatomy on TV (mainly since it comes on after DH) and he's my McDreamy. I just wonder if I'm his.

Meanwhile, school is pissing me off generally. Apparently Mom makes too much money for me to get any kind of financial aid, but we ain't got it like the government says. My dad is nonexistent on that level, even though if he wanted, he could be Captain Save An Ashley and fix it, but he's being the typical asshole he's always been. It just chaps my butt, you know?

Was watching Reno 911 reruns and I picked up a new saying from the character played by Cedric McDonald(?), Deputy Jones, who said to a perp "D.T.A.M.F.S" (Don't Take Another Mother Fucking Step)...had me cracking up for a while. I kept backing it up on TiVo....god bless my TiVo machine...it's the only thing I have a regular relationship with these days.

Speaking of Reno 911, I heard they are going to make a movie-length feature with the same characters....so excited. It's written by the same people who write the show, which is apparently why there haven't been any new episodes. They start filming it in Miami and Reno this month....I'm over the moon.

Enough with my incessant blabbing, the Blob is on TV....campy 90's horror, but I love it regardless.

XoXo,

Ashley Robin