The Sanctity of Marriage

Hey,

So today's MisAdventure is about marriage. Better yet, the idea of purpose of it. Is it outdated, not needed or required in this age of technology?

A while ago, I was working as a waitress at a popular Hyde Park (Chicago neighborhood that is home to the University of Chicago) bar/hangout. In this bar, I was flirted with all the time. Old men, young men, married men, single men, even women. I admit that I used my feminine wiles to get more tips. You'd be surprised how much of a difference makeup makes when you're pushing sex burgers. A full face of makeup, along with a bare midriff would get me at least $120-$150 a night, where as the makeup without the bare belly would get me around $100. I never did rock anything short or low-cut, but girls that did made way more than that $150. 

Some of the guys who came in were cute. Others were rich. Others were a bit of both and ugly. But most were enslaved married. Can you tell already that I've got a negative view on marriage? Most of the married men just admired my "taut body", "ample curves", etc. (The words in quotes were things I was told...seriously). One day in particular, a Sunday, I was waiting on a big group of male motorcycle enthusiasts. They were just a group of guys who ride around on their bikes together, as well as have fun on the weekends. Now, I'm a single girl. I am now, and I was then, so if I saw a guy who seemed nice enough, had a decent head on his shoulders and made me laugh, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and talk with him. If he said things I liked, I'd give him my phone number. No harm in that.

One guy in particular was really attractive. He and I formed a relationship due to my interest in bikes, and when he took me to this place in the burbs to look at them, he tried to sneak a kiss on me. We ended up hanging out a lot over the course of a few months, and I found myself really liking my company. He was funny, kind, considerate and as I found out later, married. I felt lied to, betrayed and used, but I knew the situation could be much worse. Even despite all that, he still wanted to see me. 

I talked to my mom about it, since she'd met him (meeting my mom is not the big deal it can be with people) and started to ask me about how he was doing. When I confessed to being involved with a married man, my mom asked me how I found out he was married. That, in itself, was a story.

Basically, we went out to go to the zoo and then get a sundae one afternoon, and I'd brought my four year old cousin with me. He had her in his arms, and we all were having a great time. And my little cousin doesn't like anyone she doesn't know touching her. So, when he picked her up and she was okay with it, I started thinking, "Could I really date this guy?". When I asked him about his ability to connect with kids, he said it was because he'd had a kid of his own. This was no news to me, because I knew he had kids, but after I asked the question, he got quiet. The vibe of the entire outing changed. After he dropped me off, he and I didn't speak for a few days. When we did speak, we had a conversation that went a little something like this:

Him: So there's something I need to talk to you about.

Me: What's up [name], you can talk to me about whatever. 

Him: Well, let me just say that I really like you, and I'm enjoying myself with you. I see a future for us.

Me: A future? Isn't it a bit early to have the whole 'possibility of a relationship conversation"?

Him: Well, yes...but this isn't that conversation.

Me: What conversation is this one, then?

Him: This is the conversation where I drop a bomb on you, and hopefully you understand, forgive me and we move on.

Me: Okay, so what is this bomb? (Preparing myself to faint, scream, yell, or kill, depending on the bomb)

Him: When I told you before that I had kids, I should have told you I had something else.

Me: Something else...do you mean like an STD?

Him: No, I have a wife. I'm married.

Me: *DEAD*

So this situation has made me skeptical of marriage. The idea, the dream, the preciousness (if that's a word), and the importance of it. I hate to say it, but I still talk to the guy. No, not in a dating fashion or even a sexual fashion, but we do talk every now and then. Does it make me the bad guy because I briefly dated a married man? True, I didn't know it, but then again, I wasn't paying attention. Ignorance is no excuse, I know. But it made me laugh at the idea of marriage. Before this experience, I wanted to get married, pop out some kids and honor and love my husband all the day of my life. Before, I was looking forward to getting married, having a future and living my life with someone as a young person and then sit on the porch of our home and grow old with them, surrounded by our children and grandchildren. Now, I'm simply afraid that I'd end up like [name]'s wife, and wind up with a husband who has feelings for another woman. 

You could argue that he was just lying about having feelings because he wanted to get into my pants. But, since that never happened, and most of the time we ended up just having really in-depth conversations about things, you'd be hard pressed to feel that the relationship was sexually based. I've always felt that creating a mental connection with someone is a deeper violation than any physical thing, because it takes more brain power and genuine interest to connect with someone emotionally and mentally than it does physically. So, in theory, if my husband were bonding with another woman on the mental level, I would be more upset than if he slept with her, because the mental connection means there is a mutual interest in making a connection deeper than the simple "bang".

Why do I feel that way based on that experience? Well, here is a man, a seemingly great guy, who is a father, employed, and yet, he's desiring another woman. So much that he would deny his marriage, and then when he started to grow feelings (which he did), the guilt got to him and he admitted his true relationship status. No, I never "closed the deal" with the guy, but I could have. I don't know what I would have done if I had, or how I'd have felt. And realistically, I'm single (and I thought he was too), so it is realistic to think that it could have happened.