So I started this blog with the idea that I'd share my most inner thoughts and try as little as I could to censor myself. However, along the way, I found that it be best that I not put people's names out there, as well as myself, for the sake of having some privacy just in case someone off the street walked up to me and started asking me about my postings. Weirdly though, that has happened, especially when I posted about my ex saving me from the hands of two would-be rapists. But I digress.
I've decided to just go back to my original plan and let things fall where they may. Who cares, life is too short?! So, with that, I delve into my latest MisAdventure.
I am celibate. Yes, I said it, and no I'm not lying. A long time ago, back in my Washington DC days, I was okay with having sex outside of a relationship, and was okay with the idea of having more than one partner a year. Some people aren't, and considered that slutty, and I pretty much told them to go to hell. Literally and figuratively, I said it. I drank at parties, had a good time, always was at a party or going out on a date, and if I wanted to sleep with a guy, I did. I never had an issue with sex, did not consider myself to be conservative and enjoyed my lifestyle. Just as a side note, I've always believed in protection and safe sex, and have never had an STD. Nor have I been in any situation where I found myself loathing my annual gynecologist visit, awkwardly waiting any test results. No shockers in that department. 
However, I wasn't sure I liked that person. She was a bit too unfocused on school, a bit too vivacious and liked to spend her nights drinking and partying, her mornings in the bed and drinking tea to calm down her headaches rather than go to class. But the grades never suffered. Both she and I knew that failure was unacceptable, and anything below a B was a problem. It was a strain being both her and me at the same time, because it was draining me physically, mentally and emotionally, so I decided to let the party girl go, and I have to admit, it was really hard to say goodbye to her. She was fun. But she was keeping me from achieving my goals. In letting her (the party girl) go, I embraced my inner nerd. 
But, in the process of letting the party girl go, in 2004, I decided to become celibate. Well, I broke that a few times when I was in relationships, but outside of those, I would not have sex. However, I didn't realize that abstaining from sex would be so difficult. Not for me, but for those around me. Men who I knew as friends revealed their desire to sleep with me, men I dated wanted to sleep with me, women I knew didn't believe I actually was celibate, my celibacy made them feel like whores, and I was cursed out, along with their opinion of me going downhill, mainly because they figured I was lying about it or they chose to push me down to feel better about themselves Who knows? But I know that I have no reason to lie about having sex, about my lack of a sex life, especially to anyone else. I don't need that much praise from anyone. I've thought often about breaking the celibacy vow just because of the drama that having it entails. I even got close to doing it. Then I realized that I'd be breaking the vow to appease others, and I realized that was wrong. Plus, the guy was a dick. So, I am happy to say that I did not go through with it. 
My over-thinking comes with the fact that I am stressing over this decision to be celibate. I'm not going to be such forever, just until I get the right feeling about the right guy, whether that be on the wedding altar or on the seventh date. I don't know why I think so much about it, but I do. It seriously keeps me up nights. I had a dream that some guy was trying to deflower me, and I woke up in a cold sweat. So why am I over thinking this? Is it because I feel like I'm not sure in my decision? Or just that I'm second guessing it because I made the promise/vow for the wrong reason, just to prove to myself that I could?(To purchase the "Embrace Celibacy" tank pictured above, click here.)
Thoughts?
*Ashley Robin*
5 comments:
I don't think that you are overthinking anything, but rather coming to grips with yourself.
This was a rather revealing post. But it was good to see the other side of things. Mind you, I always talk about not having "deflowered" a girl yet. But this really helped me to see how girls-who only have a few petals left-really feel. (No offense, just a bad analogy)
At this point in my life, I don't mind waiting. I've waited 24 years. A couple more years won't hurt. But there IS that stigma of being a 20 something year old "rookie" because I just can't call myself a vir...a vir...a virg.....a v....aw, forget it!
LOL.
Zack, just so you know, I've got a fair amount of my petals left... I've been around the party scene, but not the whore scene. I just have a bit of an open attitude about sex, because I really don't think it's as big a deal as people made it out to be. Maybe because of my unmemorable first time. But I'm not offended by what you said, not at all. Anything I can do to help, stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be writing even more posts on the topic.
I just have to ask, what are you waiting for, though? The right girl, the right relationship or the right time? When I ask, I simply mean, is it more important to you to have the connection within a relationship or just better to have the experience?
Just curious. If it's too personal to answer that here, send me a message on facebook.
Thanks for visiting my blog....I'm glad to see that another young woman has decided to stick her beliefs and not change.
Being celebate, not being celebate, who cares, except you (or the person who wants to be with you). Some relationships are sex first and ask questions later. Some are talking for hours on end and knowing each other intqamitely without a hint of intamacy. The ideal is somewhere in the middle, but you can't go looking for it because the very thing you are looking form can't be found. It has to be cultivated and developed. Thats said, do what feels right one way or the other. I have women friends who are very sexual and have lots of partners and I have others that would never have sex outside of a commited relationship. There is no right or wrong except for your personal reasons.
Personally, don't sweat it (no pun intended)you'll know when to say when.
thanks daysha and david!
@daysha- it is hard to be a young woman who isn't following the pack, but i'm confident that by sticking to my guns, i'll end up happier.
@david- it is sad that people are way too concerned with my sex life or lack thereof...but as soon as I told someone i was doing the celibate thing, I got cursed out and i didn't get it. it's like, hey it is my body, what I choose to do or NOT do with it, is my decision!
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