Why Do I Over Think the Smallest of Things?

So I started this blog with the idea that I'd share my most inner thoughts and try as little as I could to censor myself. However, along the way, I found that it be best that I not put people's names out there, as well as myself, for the sake of having some privacy just in case someone off the street walked up to me and started asking me about my postings. 

Weirdly though, that has happened, especially when I posted about my ex saving me from the hands of two would-be rapists. But I digress.

I've decided to just go back to my original plan and let things fall where they may. Who cares, life  is too short?! So, with that, I delve into my latest MisAdventure.

I am celibate. Yes, I said it, and no I'm not lying. A long time ago, back in my Washington DC days, I was okay with having sex outside of a relationship, and was okay with the idea of having more than one partner a year. Some people aren't, and considered that slutty, and I pretty much told them to go to hell. Literally and figuratively, I said it. I drank at parties, had a good time, always was at a party or going out on a date, and if I wanted to sleep with a guy, I did. I never had an issue with sex, did not consider myself to be conservative and enjoyed my lifestyle. Just as a side note, I've always believed in protection and safe sex, and have never had an STD.  Nor have I been in any situation where I found myself loathing my annual gynecologist visit, awkwardly waiting any test results. No shockers in that department. 

However, I wasn't sure I liked that person. She was a bit too unfocused on school, a bit too vivacious and liked to spend her nights drinking and partying, her mornings in the bed and drinking tea to calm down her headaches rather than go to class. But the grades never suffered. Both she and I knew that failure was unacceptable, and anything below a B was a problem. It was a strain being both her and me at the same time, because it was draining me physically, mentally and emotionally, so I decided to let the party girl go, and I have to admit, it was really hard to say goodbye to her. She was fun. But she was keeping me from achieving my goals. In letting her (the party girl) go, I embraced my inner nerd. 

But, in the process of letting the party girl go, in 2004, I decided to become celibate. Well, I broke that a few times when I was in relationships, but outside of those, I would not have sex. However, I didn't realize that abstaining from sex would be so difficult. Not for me, but for those around me. Men who I knew as friends revealed their desire to sleep with me, men I dated wanted to sleep with me, women I knew didn't believe I actually was celibate, my celibacy made them feel like whores, and I was cursed out,  along with their opinion of me going downhill, mainly because they figured I was lying about it or they chose to push me down to feel better about themselves Who knows? But I know that I have no reason to lie about having sex, about my lack of a sex life, especially to anyone else. I don't need that much praise from anyone. I've thought often about breaking the celibacy vow just because of the drama that having it entails. I even got close to doing it. Then I realized that I'd be breaking the vow to appease others, and I realized that was wrong. Plus, the guy was a dick. So, I am happy to say that I did not go through with it. 

My over-thinking comes with the fact that I am stressing over this decision to be celibate. I'm not going to be such forever, just until I get the right feeling about the right guy, whether that be on the wedding altar or on the seventh date. I don't know why I think so much about it, but I do. It seriously keeps me up nights. I had a dream that some guy was trying to deflower me, and I woke up in a cold sweat. So why am I over thinking this? Is it because I feel like I'm not sure in my decision? Or just that I'm second guessing it because I made the promise/vow for the wrong reason, just to prove to myself that I could?

(To purchase the "Embrace Celibacy" tank pictured above, click here.)

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

My Forward Thinking (In Relation to Gender Roles)

Yes, I know, two in one day! Damn insomnia has me up and thinkin more about the differences in gender, these damn gender roles for example. LOL. So in my thinking, I realized that I have some serious forward thinking on a lot of ish, a lot of which I'll expound on in further blogs.... My guys all say, "Ash, you think like a ni99a!" LOL, I guess that's true.

I'm worried about all these damn gender roles that men and women have, as well as this double standard shit...for example...if a guy sleeps with 50 girls, he's a playa, whereas a girl sleeps with 50 dudes, she's a slut. Now, in no way have I slept with 50 dudes in my lifetime, but I would appreciate being able to explore my sexual freedom as openly as my male buddies.

A few days ago, I was kickin it with some of my guy friends and one of them, who I'll call George*, is a big time pretty boy. I mean, girls see this dude and they go apeshit crazy...when we were younger, George tried to spit his game at me, but I told him to go kick rocks. Why? Well, his face was too perfect. I like guys who have something wrong with their faces. Like their ears or nose or their eyes are too big, or they have a scar or two, or something like that. Basically things that add character to a face. George hasn't even been in a serious fight in his life. Anyway, George was sleeping with a girl named Amy*. Amy was cool with a girl named Sasha* who George also slept with. Then, this fool got Sasha and her own sister Paula* in a threesome. When he came over, the dudes were giving him mad props, like he built the pyramids all by himself. Now, I had mentioned to my boy that one of the chicks he used to mess with got burnt by some dude, and everyone started screaming "she's a whore", but i knew at least two of the dudes in the room had at least had her on her knees once! 

So I was not letting that ish go...I said, "So since some of y'all in here have fu**ed or let her su*k you off, I guess that makes y'all hoes too" and I got immense boos. So my question is, what is the deal with that? Why are there different sexual standards for men and women...is it because women have the 'cavern' while men are the 'explorers'? (That's something that i heard once referring to genitalia, and it always made me laugh my ass off). Give me your thoughts...

*Ashley Robin*

The stick figures picture, I find so hilarious and probably will try to use them when I do talk about sex, (which will be in upcoming posts, since I've gotten emails to do posts about that) are from about.com. I don't think they had THAT in mind when they made those stick figures, eh? Oh, and just so you guys know, (before I get a ton of questions about it) that picture of the "After Sex Towel" is an of actual product, which can be purchased here, either for actual use or as a gag gift. *No joke meant by the word 'gag' either.

*- Names are changed, please do not try to find these people in my friends list...they are there, just not under these names. LOL.