Haven't really blogged in a while, mainly because not much interesting has happened. Then today came, and sigh....I realized that I'm stuck in a moment and it seems to be lasting forever. Here's the status of things....in a nutshell, I'm bored and tired. Not bored in the sense that I'd do something silly for kicks, and not tired in the sense that I need sleep...just that my life is going in circles...kinda like that movie Groundhog Day, where you keep repeating yourself over and over and over....until you get so sick of things you look for ways to die and even then, you still wake up the next day unscathed physically.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, about my life, my mistakes, my future, where I see myself, and other than getting this degree and my grad degree, I don't really know what lies ahead. For once in my life, I have no plans...and it scares the crap out of me. I always pictured myself doing this by that age, this by that age, etc, etc....and now I have no idea where I'll live, what I'll be, who I'll be with, (if anyone) and if my future is as bright as some say. I guess I have to learn to just go with the flow of things, but I've always had a plan. me without one is kinda like jumping out a plane without a parachute...it makes NO sense. So, instead of setting up ideals that I see myself in or out of, I've come up with five goals.
1) Getting on good terms with as much of my family as possible. No matter what happens, you should have good ties with my family. I'm mainly thinking of my father, which may not be possible, but if I go to New York to see him, and it doesn't work, at least I'll have tried, which will be more than enough for me. It'll be enough to know I gave 100Àthat I took all the bull in stride and that I can truly be proud of my effort, enough that I don't have to regret any decisions I make in regards to him.
2) Finding some purpose. I've always wanted to spend more time giving back, and having to do community service with the Honors College will force me to do just that. I have the feeling that if I throw myself into something, whether it be kids, animals, the homeless, babies, I'll have a good time with it. I've already planned to let my hair grow long enough to where it can be donated to Locks of Love (14 inches, plus) over and over again until I get tired of it....and to donate blood as often as I can...but it's not enough. I can do more.
3) Making a plan to graduate and sticking to it. This one is the most reachable, since I've got a plan on grad school and time to get it done. I just don't want to be an undergrad at 25...so I guess I better hurry up.
4) Happiness. Finding some degree of it, whether it be a puppy, a boyfriend or just self-love, and never letting it go.
5) Fun...having more of it, more time to be silly, more time to enjoy things. This goes hand in hand with my plan to work hard, get more money in my life, and actually try to take time to enjoy the fruit of my labor.
Ash
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
A Series of Funny Events
feel like I've been laughing for the past few days, despite feeling like total crap. The week's been good, despite my catching a virus of some sort, has me all messed up. I can see the humor in everything. Here's a list of things that had me rolling, maybe they'll give you the giggles too..
..1- Flavor of Love. Talk about hood ass women. Just when I thought the scary big girl was about to do a New York and spit on someone, she tops that and does the most foul thing in the world and takes a shit on Flav's floor. I mean, DAMN!. She tells him that she askef for permission to go to the bathroom (something I haven't done since I was in grade school), and gets told no, meanwhile her stomach was going "Uh-uh, Bitch", so she dipped out of camera frame and took a shit on this man's marble floor. Now, this was after the clocks were given to the girls moving forward, and yes, she was one of them, but if I would have been Flav, I would have kicked her out the crib, shitty drawers and all. I mean, my dogs were even trained not to do that mess in the house...so her doing it is just nasty, nasty, NASTY.....and poor Rick had to clean it up. I'd have told them skip that....no job pays that much, to clean up human poop. Sorry.
..2- TMZ.com is basically a celeb-sighting site. They post pics of celebs out and about, people comment, etc. Kinda like PerezHilton.com....but anyway...TMZ fans really dislike Paris Hilton. I mean, they really hate on her. One guy said she was nothing but a 'oversized human condom' another said that he didn't understand why she was alive, that she should just kill herself...that her singing sounds like garbaage, etc...you get the point. That's sad, not funny. What's funny is that one of the reporters for the site actually found Paris and her press agent, on the way to some meeting, and read this stuff aloud to her, asking her "what do you think about it?" I mean, come on. If some dude came up to you, reading you negative bull about yourself, he'd have been picking himself up off the ground. She actually tries to be poised about it, does a good job being nice about it, but you can tell it hurts her feelings. I mean, it's common sense....who would want to hear that kind of thing? And, who cares if she says her feelings are hurt...certainly not the folks who wrote it....the stupidity of the world...
..3- My not taking myself seriously. I was playing with a baby today at the salon, and she was just sooo cute. I was dancing with her, while I had rollers in my hair, and she seemed to enjoy it. When it was time to return her to her mom (and I was sad, since I love the kids), I asked her for a kiss. She grabs my face like she's gonna lay one smack on my mouth, looks into my eyes with her little amber eyes and doesn't kiss me, but instead spits up the apple sauce I'd fed her while her mom was getting her hair blown out. Right on my nose and mouth. And proceeds to laugh, like it was the funniest thing ever! Because she was so cute, I had to laugh (after I washed my face about three times).
Life is always interesting,
Ashley Robin
..1- Flavor of Love. Talk about hood ass women. Just when I thought the scary big girl was about to do a New York and spit on someone, she tops that and does the most foul thing in the world and takes a shit on Flav's floor. I mean, DAMN!. She tells him that she askef for permission to go to the bathroom (something I haven't done since I was in grade school), and gets told no, meanwhile her stomach was going "Uh-uh, Bitch", so she dipped out of camera frame and took a shit on this man's marble floor. Now, this was after the clocks were given to the girls moving forward, and yes, she was one of them, but if I would have been Flav, I would have kicked her out the crib, shitty drawers and all. I mean, my dogs were even trained not to do that mess in the house...so her doing it is just nasty, nasty, NASTY.....and poor Rick had to clean it up. I'd have told them skip that....no job pays that much, to clean up human poop. Sorry.
..2- TMZ.com is basically a celeb-sighting site. They post pics of celebs out and about, people comment, etc. Kinda like PerezHilton.com....but anyway...TMZ fans really dislike Paris Hilton. I mean, they really hate on her. One guy said she was nothing but a 'oversized human condom' another said that he didn't understand why she was alive, that she should just kill herself...that her singing sounds like garbaage, etc...you get the point. That's sad, not funny. What's funny is that one of the reporters for the site actually found Paris and her press agent, on the way to some meeting, and read this stuff aloud to her, asking her "what do you think about it?" I mean, come on. If some dude came up to you, reading you negative bull about yourself, he'd have been picking himself up off the ground. She actually tries to be poised about it, does a good job being nice about it, but you can tell it hurts her feelings. I mean, it's common sense....who would want to hear that kind of thing? And, who cares if she says her feelings are hurt...certainly not the folks who wrote it....the stupidity of the world...
..3- My not taking myself seriously. I was playing with a baby today at the salon, and she was just sooo cute. I was dancing with her, while I had rollers in my hair, and she seemed to enjoy it. When it was time to return her to her mom (and I was sad, since I love the kids), I asked her for a kiss. She grabs my face like she's gonna lay one smack on my mouth, looks into my eyes with her little amber eyes and doesn't kiss me, but instead spits up the apple sauce I'd fed her while her mom was getting her hair blown out. Right on my nose and mouth. And proceeds to laugh, like it was the funniest thing ever! Because she was so cute, I had to laugh (after I washed my face about three times).
Life is always interesting,
Ashley Robin
Saturday, August 5, 2006
Letting Go By Remembering the Beginning
een thinking about some things. I've decided some things too. I've decided to do a Theresa and let go of my Ethan. His name isn't Ethan, but if you watch Passions, you understand what I mean. For a while, almost six months which is an eternity in my world, especially in terms of men, I've been dealing with a complicated relationship. Knowing the feeling of being in love with a guy and feeling his love. Being asked to be his and only his, and spending hours with his arms wrapped around me and finding joy in laughing with him. But love just wasn't enough to make sure he was mine, love wasn't enough to keep the promise that my heart, body, soul, spirit and mind made. Passion for each other, the ability to laugh, be tender and caring...it was all there. Without really writing about it before, he and I had our intense days, good and bad. We argued and we loved, all in a whirlwind of moments. We were brought closer together because of something that happened to me at the beginning of the year, someone who said they cared for me left me vulnerable and he was there for me when none of my friends, people who said they loved me and cared for me were. He stayed with me through it all, helped me to get better, and helped me to realize that love exists in the world. He was my inspiration to drive myself, to push myself forward, and for that I thank my Mr. Wonderful, because to me, he'll always be just that...wonderful. Nothing anyone can say will make me think or feel otherwise...but I have to let him go in order to move on.
It's the reason why I haven't been able to date anyone for too long, despite actually liking guys, the reason why I keep his number as ..4 on speedial, after my mom, lisa and anika, the reason why I see his face in my dreams. All this time, I thought I knew what love was, and I've loved before, but his love was different...it was adult love. Not a crush or infatuation, but the kind that makes you want to be a better person. It's why I was on the Dean's List, why I was trying so hard to be the girl of his dreams, why I stepped out of my comfort zone, and why I could not picture my future without him being in it.
Well, last night, I slept and dreamt of things other than him, and thinking of my future, well, he wasn't in it for the first time, and while I was sad, I was happy...because in my acceptance of the fact that the 'us' will never be, it makes room for something or someone else. Like everyone else, I just want happiness and serenity in my life. He knows all this, we talked about it today...and he seemed sad, but he understood. I know he'll be there for me, because I'll be there for him. And when I kissed him goodbye, it was the funniest thing...I knew in that moment I loved him, and always would, but realized that I was no longer IN love with him.
When I got home, I curled up in his t-shirt and tried to remember every thing about the moment he gave it to me, the night I absolutely fell for him, after our sixth 'date' running from his car to the house in my slip of a dress, getting soaked to the bone, and then being warmed by an instant fire he made. He ordered me out of my wet clothes, and threw the shirt and a pair of sweats at me. He turned around so he wouldn't see me in my underwear, but didn't know I'd taken them off as well. He and I spent the night by that fire, just talking and laughing, and he put a blanket around me and kissed my cheek as I slept. I remember waking up and seeing he was awake, watching the TV with closed captioning so I wouldn't be disturbed, (and falling for him in that instant) but only asking him why he couldn't sleep. No reason, he said, and told me to rest, that he'd make sure I got home the next morning. I told him I'd only sleep if he tried to sleep also, so he moved next to me, and I put my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. In the dark glow of the fire, our hands found each other and did not let go. That was the night it all began, the night we connected not just physically, but emotionally and I never told a soul about it. I loved the amount of that time that I kept secret, and that he kept secret, so we could have all those memories kept between us. It was something that we could think of as we worked together, and we could stare at each other and grin, waiting until we were alone to sneak kisses, hugs and all that mushy stuff. I only share it now for the first time, type it now for the first time, not because I think anyone will read it, but because it helps me to let go....
Ashley Robin
It's the reason why I haven't been able to date anyone for too long, despite actually liking guys, the reason why I keep his number as ..4 on speedial, after my mom, lisa and anika, the reason why I see his face in my dreams. All this time, I thought I knew what love was, and I've loved before, but his love was different...it was adult love. Not a crush or infatuation, but the kind that makes you want to be a better person. It's why I was on the Dean's List, why I was trying so hard to be the girl of his dreams, why I stepped out of my comfort zone, and why I could not picture my future without him being in it.
Well, last night, I slept and dreamt of things other than him, and thinking of my future, well, he wasn't in it for the first time, and while I was sad, I was happy...because in my acceptance of the fact that the 'us' will never be, it makes room for something or someone else. Like everyone else, I just want happiness and serenity in my life. He knows all this, we talked about it today...and he seemed sad, but he understood. I know he'll be there for me, because I'll be there for him. And when I kissed him goodbye, it was the funniest thing...I knew in that moment I loved him, and always would, but realized that I was no longer IN love with him.
When I got home, I curled up in his t-shirt and tried to remember every thing about the moment he gave it to me, the night I absolutely fell for him, after our sixth 'date' running from his car to the house in my slip of a dress, getting soaked to the bone, and then being warmed by an instant fire he made. He ordered me out of my wet clothes, and threw the shirt and a pair of sweats at me. He turned around so he wouldn't see me in my underwear, but didn't know I'd taken them off as well. He and I spent the night by that fire, just talking and laughing, and he put a blanket around me and kissed my cheek as I slept. I remember waking up and seeing he was awake, watching the TV with closed captioning so I wouldn't be disturbed, (and falling for him in that instant) but only asking him why he couldn't sleep. No reason, he said, and told me to rest, that he'd make sure I got home the next morning. I told him I'd only sleep if he tried to sleep also, so he moved next to me, and I put my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. In the dark glow of the fire, our hands found each other and did not let go. That was the night it all began, the night we connected not just physically, but emotionally and I never told a soul about it. I loved the amount of that time that I kept secret, and that he kept secret, so we could have all those memories kept between us. It was something that we could think of as we worked together, and we could stare at each other and grin, waiting until we were alone to sneak kisses, hugs and all that mushy stuff. I only share it now for the first time, type it now for the first time, not because I think anyone will read it, but because it helps me to let go....
Ashley Robin
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
My Mortal Mother (Part II)
Just when we all got over the whole, "hey, your mom just might have skin cancer" bit, and let me tell you, as close as we are, that was horrible..come to find out her knee is bothering her and she just might have to have surgery on it...again. Last time was so horrible, because I was too young to drive her and she made me go to school that day...so when I came home, she'd not only had to get a cab ride home, her leg was wrapped up in these bloody bandages...I'm just hoping and praying it doesn't come down to something that extreme...but if not, I may be calling on my friends to come help me take care of her...people that know her know she can be a bit of a diva....I'mma need support. Last time, it was pretty bad, and she's so damn stubborn..she was trying to cook dinner for us two days later and was hobbling around and I could not force her to sit down. No wonder where I get it from...the stubborness, I mean. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that, but I'm preparing myself regardless. Sigh....
In other news, school's almost here. I'm excited to get another semester going, but not because I've got way more responsibility. I've got the Honors College, the Dean's List, a possible thing at the Radio Station, as well as my job and dealing with trying to go abroad next summer. Yeah, I plan to do that too. Might as well before I get shackled into some 9 to 5 gig, and maybe I'll get a job offer from someone out there and just go live there. Sigh, who knows?
No boyfriend as of yet, just dates. It's weird that most of my friends are coupled up and I'm not. Does that make me picky, strange or just that it's not meant to be? I don't know...and part of me doesn't care. I like not having to explain my relationships with guys to someone, to not have to feel like I need to justify this person or that person....it's a definite feeling of empowerment, but at the same time, when it gets dark and the world's slowed down and everyone's in bed...I'm in my bed alone. I like that, because then I get to sleep in the middle and don't have a "Side" but I don't because it's also just as nice to be able to feel the warmth of a warm body next to you. Sex? I don't really miss that as much as I thought I would. Weird, huh? I guess I've been too busy lately to be horny. And that, at my age, is definitely weird, haha!
Well, you won't see me crying....I love my life, through and through.
As of Monday, August 7th, I'm starting a new quest to make myself the best person possible....expect great things.
XoXo,
Ashley
In other news, school's almost here. I'm excited to get another semester going, but not because I've got way more responsibility. I've got the Honors College, the Dean's List, a possible thing at the Radio Station, as well as my job and dealing with trying to go abroad next summer. Yeah, I plan to do that too. Might as well before I get shackled into some 9 to 5 gig, and maybe I'll get a job offer from someone out there and just go live there. Sigh, who knows?
No boyfriend as of yet, just dates. It's weird that most of my friends are coupled up and I'm not. Does that make me picky, strange or just that it's not meant to be? I don't know...and part of me doesn't care. I like not having to explain my relationships with guys to someone, to not have to feel like I need to justify this person or that person....it's a definite feeling of empowerment, but at the same time, when it gets dark and the world's slowed down and everyone's in bed...I'm in my bed alone. I like that, because then I get to sleep in the middle and don't have a "Side" but I don't because it's also just as nice to be able to feel the warmth of a warm body next to you. Sex? I don't really miss that as much as I thought I would. Weird, huh? I guess I've been too busy lately to be horny. And that, at my age, is definitely weird, haha!
Well, you won't see me crying....I love my life, through and through.
As of Monday, August 7th, I'm starting a new quest to make myself the best person possible....expect great things.
XoXo,
Ashley
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