Disappearing Acts

I'd fallen off recently because I've been too involved in fixing me. Y'know there comes a time where you have to stop and re-evaluate what you are doing with your life, where you are going and if you are truly happy with it. I can say that some things are falling into place while others are just kinda floating...so I'm tackling each issue one at a time.

Congrats to me and my ship S.S.H.W.C., the brand spanking new Fall 06 members of Xi Kappa Chapter of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. The process was interesting, life impacting and unforgettable. For the bond I've forged with my ships, it was worth all the mess and drama. If you find a group that you can see yourself involved with, I say go for it. If not, then don't do anything. Do research, go to events, meet with the members. It's a serious committment and should be taken as such. I have no regrets.

I found that I calmed myself down with everything through yoga, pilates, dance, knitting and destroying jeans. Yeah, I destroy jeans. I've gotten some comments on the ones I've done so far, and people have been asking me to do pairs for them, so that's gonna be something I look into for next year. A girl's gotta earn money somehow. I'm also learning the guitar, learning how to channel myself creatively, and planning a new type of growth for myself. I'm excited. All my plans will kick into effect Jan. 1, though. Starting fresh....it's just smelling so fantastic.


Stay Blessed Always,
Ashley Robin

Updates: Hughie, Love Life, Insomnia and Finding Sprituality

Haven't posted in eons. I've been dealing with a dying computer...I really need to get another one, since i have had this one about 4+ years, haha....but i figured i would post.

My ex and I have long been over. We talk, but that's about the extent of our relationship. I'm currently too busy to really look for another boyfriend, but if one finds me, i won't complain too much.

School and social tends to take over my life now. I've dropped a class so that my schedule is a bit more lax, but in doing so, have more time to do more things. Makes no sense that i'm so busy all the time.

Hughie is my new kitty. He's gorgeous, has a great persona but is bad...he gets into everything, but when he bats those green eyes of his at me, i can't stay mad at him. When i get the chance, I'll post photos. He's officially five months old as of October 27th. When he turns a year, I'm gonna have a party for him. He's a divo too, loves getting his ego stroked, so look out for him. He is the only man in my life currently.

My sense of spirituality has changed. A lot has happened to me that I find myself in prayer and meditation more than I'd ever thought, asking for the strength to get through all of my challenges, and in doing so, have come to find my faith in a higher power. I don't know that power's name, if it is just me sensing my own ability to strive and achieve, but I'm happy that I can learn and grow.

Love,
Ashley Robin

Long Time Coming...

Haven't blogged in ages, I've been sooo busy with school, my friends and work, being on the computer seems like a foreign idea to me. I'm having trouble staying focused though...I find myself bored in class, not wanting to go and trying to find reasons not to. I got called out for not attending my math class, so I'm just going to have to find a way to stick to it. Oh well. My jury time was interesting, spent two days on a jury for a murder trial, and then they ended up plea-bargaining. I was kinda mad, saying, "Couldn't you have done that before I took two days off of school to spend them sitting in a hot ass room with a bunch of old people?" Yeah, the only reason I got picked was because I was close in age to the defendant, and had read nothing on the case. See, if it doesn't come to me through news alerts on my phone, texts from Mom or a friend telling me, I won't sit and read about random people getting arrested.

Anyway, I'm hosting a party at my house on the 16th. I'm excited because it looks like about 50 folks will be coming. We'll see how it works out. I gotta go get some sleep, got some things to take care of, I just wanted to blog something so people wouldn't think I was dead. LOL.

Ashley Robin

Life Is Just My Fairy Tale

Haven't really blogged in a while, mainly because not much interesting has happened. Then today came, and sigh....I realized that I'm stuck in a moment and it seems to be lasting forever. Here's the status of things....in a nutshell, I'm bored and tired. Not bored in the sense that I'd do something silly for kicks, and not tired in the sense that I need sleep...just that my life is going in circles...kinda like that movie Groundhog Day, where you keep repeating yourself over and over and over....until you get so sick of things you look for ways to die and even then, you still wake up the next day unscathed physically.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, about my life, my mistakes, my future, where I see myself, and other than getting this degree and my grad degree, I don't really know what lies ahead. For once in my life, I have no plans...and it scares the crap out of me. I always pictured myself doing this by that age, this by that age, etc, etc....and now I have no idea where I'll live, what I'll be, who I'll be with, (if anyone) and if my future is as bright as some say. I guess I have to learn to just go with the flow of things, but I've always had a plan. me without one is kinda like jumping out a plane without a parachute...it makes NO sense. So, instead of setting up ideals that I see myself in or out of, I've come up with five goals.

1) Getting on good terms with as much of my family as possible. No matter what happens, you should have good ties with my family. I'm mainly thinking of my father, which may not be possible, but if I go to New York to see him, and it doesn't work, at least I'll have tried, which will be more than enough for me. It'll be enough to know I gave 100Àthat I took all the bull in stride and that I can truly be proud of my effort, enough that I don't have to regret any decisions I make in regards to him.

2) Finding some purpose. I've always wanted to spend more time giving back, and having to do community service with the Honors College will force me to do just that. I have the feeling that if I throw myself into something, whether it be kids, animals, the homeless, babies, I'll have a good time with it. I've already planned to let my hair grow long enough to where it can be donated to Locks of Love (14 inches, plus) over and over again until I get tired of it....and to donate blood as often as I can...but it's not enough. I can do more.

3) Making a plan to graduate and sticking to it. This one is the most reachable, since I've got a plan on grad school and time to get it done. I just don't want to be an undergrad at 25...so I guess I better hurry up.

4) Happiness. Finding some degree of it, whether it be a puppy, a boyfriend or just self-love, and never letting it go.

5) Fun...having more of it, more time to be silly, more time to enjoy things. This goes hand in hand with my plan to work hard, get more money in my life, and actually try to take time to enjoy the fruit of my labor.

Ash

A Series of Funny Events

feel like I've been laughing for the past few days, despite feeling like total crap. The week's been good, despite my catching a virus of some sort, has me all messed up. I can see the humor in everything. Here's a list of things that had me rolling, maybe they'll give you the giggles too..

..1- Flavor of Love. Talk about hood ass women. Just when I thought the scary big girl was about to do a New York and spit on someone, she tops that and does the most foul thing in the world and takes a shit on Flav's floor. I mean, DAMN!. She tells him that she askef for permission to go to the bathroom (something I haven't done since I was in grade school), and gets told no, meanwhile her stomach was going "Uh-uh, Bitch", so she dipped out of camera frame and took a shit on this man's marble floor. Now, this was after the clocks were given to the girls moving forward, and yes, she was one of them, but if I would have been Flav, I would have kicked her out the crib, shitty drawers and all. I mean, my dogs were even trained not to do that mess in the house...so her doing it is just nasty, nasty, NASTY.....and poor Rick had to clean it up. I'd have told them skip that....no job pays that much, to clean up human poop. Sorry.

..2- TMZ.com is basically a celeb-sighting site. They post pics of celebs out and about, people comment, etc. Kinda like PerezHilton.com....but anyway...TMZ fans really dislike Paris Hilton. I mean, they really hate on her. One guy said she was nothing but a 'oversized human condom' another said that he didn't understand why she was alive, that she should just kill herself...that her singing sounds like garbaage, etc...you get the point. That's sad, not funny. What's funny is that one of the reporters for the site actually found Paris and her press agent, on the way to some meeting, and read this stuff aloud to her, asking her "what do you think about it?" I mean, come on. If some dude came up to you, reading you negative bull about yourself, he'd have been picking himself up off the ground. She actually tries to be poised about it, does a good job being nice about it, but you can tell it hurts her feelings. I mean, it's common sense....who would want to hear that kind of thing? And, who cares if she says her feelings are hurt...certainly not the folks who wrote it....the stupidity of the world...

..3- My not taking myself seriously. I was playing with a baby today at the salon, and she was just sooo cute. I was dancing with her, while I had rollers in my hair, and she seemed to enjoy it. When it was time to return her to her mom (and I was sad, since I love the kids), I asked her for a kiss. She grabs my face like she's gonna lay one smack on my mouth, looks into my eyes with her little amber eyes and doesn't kiss me, but instead spits up the apple sauce I'd fed her while her mom was getting her hair blown out. Right on my nose and mouth. And proceeds to laugh, like it was the funniest thing ever! Because she was so cute, I had to laugh (after I washed my face about three times).

Life is always interesting,
Ashley Robin

Letting Go By Remembering the Beginning

een thinking about some things. I've decided some things too. I've decided to do a Theresa and let go of my Ethan. His name isn't Ethan, but if you watch Passions, you understand what I mean. For a while, almost six months which is an eternity in my world, especially in terms of men, I've been dealing with a complicated relationship. Knowing the feeling of being in love with a guy and feeling his love. Being asked to be his and only his, and spending hours with his arms wrapped around me and finding joy in laughing with him. But love just wasn't enough to make sure he was mine, love wasn't enough to keep the promise that my heart, body, soul, spirit and mind made. Passion for each other, the ability to laugh, be tender and caring...it was all there. Without really writing about it before, he and I had our intense days, good and bad. We argued and we loved, all in a whirlwind of moments. We were brought closer together because of something that happened to me at the beginning of the year, someone who said they cared for me left me vulnerable and he was there for me when none of my friends, people who said they loved me and cared for me were. He stayed with me through it all, helped me to get better, and helped me to realize that love exists in the world. He was my inspiration to drive myself, to push myself forward, and for that I thank my Mr. Wonderful, because to me, he'll always be just that...wonderful. Nothing anyone can say will make me think or feel otherwise...but I have to let him go in order to move on.

It's the reason why I haven't been able to date anyone for too long, despite actually liking guys, the reason why I keep his number as ..4 on speedial, after my mom, lisa and anika, the reason why I see his face in my dreams. All this time, I thought I knew what love was, and I've loved before, but his love was different...it was adult love. Not a crush or infatuation, but the kind that makes you want to be a better person. It's why I was on the Dean's List, why I was trying so hard to be the girl of his dreams, why I stepped out of my comfort zone, and why I could not picture my future without him being in it.

Well, last night, I slept and dreamt of things other than him, and thinking of my future, well, he wasn't in it for the first time, and while I was sad, I was happy...because in my acceptance of the fact that the 'us' will never be, it makes room for something or someone else. Like everyone else, I just want happiness and serenity in my life. He knows all this, we talked about it today...and he seemed sad, but he understood. I know he'll be there for me, because I'll be there for him. And when I kissed him goodbye, it was the funniest thing...I knew in that moment I loved him, and always would, but realized that I was no longer IN love with him.

When I got home, I curled up in his t-shirt and tried to remember every thing about the moment he gave it to me, the night I absolutely fell for him, after our sixth 'date' running from his car to the house in my slip of a dress, getting soaked to the bone, and then being warmed by an instant fire he made. He ordered me out of my wet clothes, and threw the shirt and a pair of sweats at me. He turned around so he wouldn't see me in my underwear, but didn't know I'd taken them off as well. He and I spent the night by that fire, just talking and laughing, and he put a blanket around me and kissed my cheek as I slept. I remember waking up and seeing he was awake, watching the TV with closed captioning so I wouldn't be disturbed, (and falling for him in that instant) but only asking him why he couldn't sleep. No reason, he said, and told me to rest, that he'd make sure I got home the next morning. I told him I'd only sleep if he tried to sleep also, so he moved next to me, and I put my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. In the dark glow of the fire, our hands found each other and did not let go. That was the night it all began, the night we connected not just physically, but emotionally and I never told a soul about it. I loved the amount of that time that I kept secret, and that he kept secret, so we could have all those memories kept between us. It was something that we could think of as we worked together, and we could stare at each other and grin, waiting until we were alone to sneak kisses, hugs and all that mushy stuff. I only share it now for the first time, type it now for the first time, not because I think anyone will read it, but because it helps me to let go....

Ashley Robin

My Mortal Mother (Part II)

Just when we all got over the whole, "hey, your mom just might have skin cancer" bit, and let me tell you, as close as we are, that was horrible..come to find out her knee is bothering her and she just might have to have surgery on it...again. Last time was so horrible, because I was too young to drive her and she made me go to school that day...so when I came home, she'd not only had to get a cab ride home, her leg was wrapped up in these bloody bandages...I'm just hoping and praying it doesn't come down to something that extreme...but if not, I may be calling on my friends to come help me take care of her...people that know her know she can be a bit of a diva....I'mma need support. Last time, it was pretty bad, and she's so damn stubborn..she was trying to cook dinner for us two days later and was hobbling around and I could not force her to sit down. No wonder where I get it from...the stubborness, I mean. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that, but I'm preparing myself regardless. Sigh....

In other news, school's almost here. I'm excited to get another semester going, but not because I've got way more responsibility. I've got the Honors College, the Dean's List, a possible thing at the Radio Station, as well as my job and dealing with trying to go abroad next summer. Yeah, I plan to do that too. Might as well before I get shackled into some 9 to 5 gig, and maybe I'll get a job offer from someone out there and just go live there. Sigh, who knows?

No boyfriend as of yet, just dates. It's weird that most of my friends are coupled up and I'm not. Does that make me picky, strange or just that it's not meant to be? I don't know...and part of me doesn't care. I like not having to explain my relationships with guys to someone, to not have to feel like I need to justify this person or that person....it's a definite feeling of empowerment, but at the same time, when it gets dark and the world's slowed down and everyone's in bed...I'm in my bed alone. I like that, because then I get to sleep in the middle and don't have a "Side" but I don't because it's also just as nice to be able to feel the warmth of a warm body next to you. Sex? I don't really miss that as much as I thought I would. Weird, huh? I guess I've been too busy lately to be horny. And that, at my age, is definitely weird, haha!

Well, you won't see me crying....I love my life, through and through.

As of Monday, August 7th, I'm starting a new quest to make myself the best person possible....expect great things.

XoXo,
Ashley

My Mortal Mother

love my mother to all death. For years, I've seen her as the picture of health. She's always been healthy, never anything major, except the yearly bout with bronchitis, and that one time where she had walking pneumonia like I did....but, other than that, she rarely has anything worse than a headache. So, when we went to the dermatology clinic about this mild rash I got on my forehead from a reaction to something used in a facial (weird, right?) my mom started asking questions about getting a few moles around her neck removed. She's had these moles since forever. I named them all as a kid and used to actually like the feeling of them touching me as I would snuggle my face into the fold of her neck. Not because I'm weird, but because if I closed my eyes, I'd feel those moles and know it was her. Kinda like a blind taste test, those moles helped me identify her.

Anyway, the doctor looks at one mole and instead of trying to remove it, says she needs a biopsy. Well, I've been down that road before, we all know what a biopsy is...he basically says he's afraid it might be cancerous. I look at my mom, and I start freaking..."Mom's got cancer? What? Are you shitting me? Seriously?" and getting upset. I'm thinking that sometimes she gets on my last nerve, sometimes I want to shake her, sometimes I wish she'd leave me alone and quit meddling in my life, sometimes I want to get away from her, sometimes she annoys the hell out of me but I don't want her to have cancer. I don't think I could take it, and I don't want her to deal with any pain, especially none that I can't take from her. She's my mom.

So the doctor does the biopsy, and we get told we'll know the results in a week. We head back today, (A week later) and get told she does have a precancerous condition, that if untreated could become a form of skin cancer. I FREAK....big time. Mom's not supposed to be ill, she's supposed to protect me, keep me safe and watch over my grandbabies...and what if she's not around to see them? What if this takes her from me? I can't do life without her..and I start crying, getting blubbery and she starts crying because I'm crying...when really....all in all...she doesn't have cancer. Sigh. We never laughed so hard, and honestly, I've never felt closer to her. But, I've never been that scared.

I'm relieved. Relieved big time. Mom, don't die, ever. Or else, I'll kill you.

A Loving Daughter

Hating Idiots But Loving The New Perspective

getting lasik was probably the best thing i've done for myself in a while. well, other than getting things resolved with my ex, who's probably one of my best friends now, and my car. but, that's another point. anyway, for all those who are interested in doing it, definitely do your research. there's a lot of pre-op stuff you have to do to maintain your eyes, but the perks are well worth it. it's annoying as hell, to being eating a meal with someone and you're like, "oop, it's 230, gotta put my pink drops in..." but to see 20/15 out of both eyes one day after the operation....it's a miracle. lights in darkness still kinda get me, they have these glows around them, doc calls them halos, but says it should be temporary. I was so out of it yesterday, all I really did was lay around and eat a mini dump cake mom made to comfort me. My ex came over and got in the bed with me, and i slept for about six hours like that. he left after about four hours, when he had to go to work, and when i woke up from my name, with all the sensitivity and irritation practically gone, mom says that she thinks he's still in love with me. whether or not he'll ever tell me is another issue, but....that's not really the point of this.

the point is, my new vision has given me a way to see things more clearly. it's like someone took all the blinders off, literally. all the bullshit of the past, is just that. trifling people and their situations are just that too, bullshit. everyone knows a blog is for venting, so i vent. if you don't like it, don't read it. a while ago, someone said that my ex and i weren't going to work out because they didn't think he was committed to me. well, turns out they are just jealous. i didn't say that either...my ex did. most of the clarity i've gotten comes from talking to him about lots of things and people that i probably wouldn't have if we'd still been together as a couple. it's interesting how independence from a relationship allows you to just be totally open with a person. now, i can definitely say that he knows the real me.

I hate idiots. Pretentious ones, fake ones, idiots that don't realize they are idiots, idiots that pretend so much to be smart that they actually believe it...all that bull. I was talking to my friend Audrey, who's a bit of a reality dose, and she said that they're taking over the world. sad, but true. and to think, for a while, i was so hurt by the actions of idiots in my life that i let it affect my mojo. my mojo is unbreakable....which, lol, is coming on abc saturday. yay!

I'm single, but i'm pretty sure i won't be for too much longer. i got a feeling that something's coming. Made an appointment to get some new shots of myself taken without the glasses, to officially mark the end of that era. I'm so excited to see what the world has to bring. Haters only motivate, so bring it on. As i said before, 'Assholes can kick rocks two times on a hard beat!" (it's a music thing...lol)

XOXO,
Ashley Robin

A Missing Corpse..(Yeah, I'm For Real)

A True and Funny Story...Depends on Your Sense of Humor

While I was leaving out of Social Science, my girl Raven sends me a text message telling me that her cadaver (she's taking Human Anatomy and they use actual cadavers...go figure) has up and disappeared. Well, it looks as if no one seems to have any idea where it is, that a cadaver and the gurney it rests on has gone totally AWOL, MIA, whatever you want to call it. When I get to the fourth floor for Geography, I decided to go into another professor's class to say hello to my friend for a second before class starts, and I'm not in the room two minutes when I suddenly see this gurney go whizzing past, outside the doorway, in the hall. I look at my friend with the "did you just see what i saw?" face and we both hop up, trying to figure out what was going on. Suddenly, there's this piercingly loud scream, which sounds like it's coming from the third floor (the floor below where I currently was) and all I hear is laughing from the other side of the hall of the floor I'm on. So, I look and figure it was nothing, when I see some of the basketball team guys walking down the hall. They tell me this story that they were walking past the classroom in which Human Anatomy is taught, and a cadaver was in the room, all wrapped up and alone. laying on a gurney. So they get the smart idea to wheel the gurney into the hall and just push it down, to really screw with people. You can tell these boys don't have much to do.
Anyway, they get it out in the hall, and shove it down as hard as four of them can...and it ends up in the elevator with this girl named Courtney, who if you all knew her would say is a huge crybaby. Anyway, she ends up getting out on the third floor, not before screaming her head off, and pushing it out of the elevator, so it's on the third floor somewhere. Turns out, about an hour later, they can't find it, so someone gets the bright idea to get on the PA system and page the cadaver....like it could really answer. Sigh, I don't think the world is too bright. They ended up finding it though, on the second floor somewhere. Raven was just happy because she didn't have to look at it today, since it was her cadaver and told those guys that they should try to kidnap it more often.

Overall, morbidly amusing, but seeing Courtney freak was definitely hilarious! I'm gonna laugh at her scream for a while...it's obvious that I don't like her...she can't stand me either, fyi.

Ashley Robin

Workin Up a Black Sweat~

Been forever since I posted, right? Lol, as you can see...I've been busy. I got a new job working for Apple...it's part-time while I'm in school, and part-time during the summer, but it manages to keep me busy. I like the challenges and the work, so far. The perks, are AWESOME. I just went to pick up my laptop...it's a brand new Macbook...and it kicks so much ass. I mean, really. I'm elated to have it. I'm also getting lasik eye surgery on Thursday, at 9am, so bye-bye glasses...hopefully for a long, long, long time. lol. It excites me, knowing that I'll be able to say bye-bye to glasses, and hello to contact sports, swimming, wrestling, all that...

Went to St. Louis, to see a wedding, Phantom of the Opera, my granny's gravesite and her house. Phantom was great, phenomenal actually, the wedding was....interesting, and my granny's gravesite's probably the most tranquil and wonderful place I've ever been to. I didn't want to leave. I just sat beside her, talking to her, telling her everything I could think of, and then when I couldn't think of anymore to say, I just put my arms around her gravestone and laid my face next to the inscription. I've never felt more at peace....and honestly, if St. Louis wasn't such a bummy ass city, I'd move there just so I could feel that on a daily basis. I felt her spirit, essence, life force, whatever the hell you wanna call it...it was there. And it was so soothing....honestly.

After that, we got a reality check when we went on a mad search for her house and found out it had been bulldozed and a strip mall, specifically a Wal-Mart Tire & Lube Express sits where her house used to be. So the place where people go for oil changes, used to be my granny's kitchen. It's kinda sad because I can remember being in that house...vaguely since i was little...helping my aunt and granny make apple pie. Now, it's where brake pads are replaced. Made me sad. I threw a soygurt container at the wall, and ran. LOL, I wasn't trying to get arrested....not in that racist town, but I'll get to that later.

Then, we went to see the Phantom of the Opera, performed by the Broadway cast. Talk about amazing...everyone could sing, was so talented, and beautiful. And the costumes! Talk about fabulous. Everyone that knows me knows I LOVE that opera, it's my favorite, so I was like a little kid watching the whole thing...eyes wide open, jaw hanging down, tongue wagging, drooling...okay, well maybe not drooling, but you get the point. The guy that played the Phantom had the best voice....and he had everyone crying when he sang his reprise of "All I Ask of You", which is the most beautiful song ever. So beautiful in fact, every time I hear it I get a little choked up and find it so perfect that I'm making it my official wedding song. Don't laugh. Listen to it and see what I mean.

After the Phantom, the weekend was pretty much done in St. Louis. We went to brunch at the Puck cafe in the St. Louis Art Museum and got a dose of racism. Not subtle, either...it was pretty blatant. I was kinda upset, because I'm not a mean-looking kinda person..not that it matters, racism in any aspect is horrible...but we ended up tag-teaming the waitress, cussing out the manager and leaving. We ended up having lunch in the Central West End, the Hyde Park-esque neighborhood in St. Louis. Then, it was onto the wedding, which was nice, but not really memorable. The bride and groom were happy, so that was the most important thing....

After that, we came back to Chicago, got a little sick due to all the sun, recooperated, and then Lisa came to visit for the weekend. We ended up going clubbin, hanging out at the beach, getting good food at the Taste, seeing a play at Chi State, and then going to visit my ex. That's always interesting, watching the two of them interact. After she left Sunday, it's been work, work, work and some stuff I had to do for school. Now, I'll be working nonstop until school starts...but hey, I can't complain. I love the challenge. Speaking of which, I gotta go take care of some things before I get to have my lunch of sushi.

Stay positive,
Ashley Robin

P.S.- In two days, well, less than that, actually, because I'll have had it this time Thursday, yours truly will be having Lasik eye surgery. I'm not nervous at all, just looking forward to being rid of my glasses. I'll post throughout Thursday or Friday on how it all went and what my progress and recovery time is so if you're considering it, you'll have a firsthand account.

Paging Mr. Right Now

I haven't posted in a while because I've been busy, been tired and honestly, haven't had much to say. I'm enjoying my summer, I guess, but I'm realizing that I'm starting to take mu whole independence and re-emergence as an independant woman to another level. Women typically get called bitches and mean if they exhibit the persona of someone who wants to take things to another level, expects only the best and nothing less and desires perfection, which even though it doesn't exist, should always try to be attained.

With my high expectations in mind, I've tried to start dating. Dating is interesting, because it basically is just an exercise. The guy shares a part of himself, the most impressive part, with a girl who does the same. If they like what each other has to say, usually a second date follows, where more part-sharing happens, it's just that this time, the part they share tends to be a bit more like who they are, just not as impressive as the initial date. Personally, I hate it. I think it sucks. I go on dates, and I'm who I am. What you see is exactly what you're gonna get. That's why I don't get my hair 'did' for them, i don't try to wear anything not like me, I try to be as authentic to who I am as possible...even if that means there is no second date.

Lately, I've just been blah about the whole practice, but my mom and godmom are saying, that a girl my age should date, even if I find it horrible. Have fun, they say...enjoy life. Is it bad to say that I find more fun in reading Dostoevsky than sharing a meal with some random guy, who probably, in the final analysis, probably doesn't even know who that is? That I'd rather watch movies on Turner Classic than go to some overrated, overcrowded, overpriced nightclub? That I'd rather babysit my younger cousins than sitting around "hoping" a guy will call when he says he will...which rarely happens, unless you're in a relationship and even then...cross your fingers.

Dont' get it twisted, I'm not bitter. I do eventually want Mr. Right. However, I'd rather wait for him then try to satisfy myself with a Mr. Right Now. Mr. Right's around the corner, though, I can feel it. He won't message me with three words or less, either. LOL.

XoXo,
Ashley Robin

Hobblin Around

Well, everyone knows me to be a big klutz. Whether I'm spilling something, tripping, falling, stumbling, banging, crashing, smacking or inadvertently whacking some part of my body into, onto or between something, I've definitely got some klutz in me. I thought at 22 years old, the worst of it would be over, since I've done ballet, am doing yoga and learning more about self-balance and can actually see a difference in my posture and grace....but alas, an Ashley moment happened.

I wanted to go for a short run, so I decided to run around the University of Chicago, not the track, but the actual school. They have an area that I call the midway, (it's actually named Midway Pleasance) but it's the midway point between Hyde Park and my house. Anyway, I'm running over there, like usual, with my towel around my neck, iPod on my hip and shoes nice and laced up. Breathing's good, pace is great, heart is beating regularly, and I feel good. I decide to cut across the path behind one of the school's buildings and then swing around to do a cool down lap before I go to my car and head back home, and what do I do...I trip over a rock and badly sprain my ankle. Well, since I'm on a low-traffic path, I'm laying there for a while, in pain, and trying to decide what I should do. My good friend Andrew, who I've known since my private school days, happens to go the school, so I call him up on my cell phone, and thank god, he happens to be in the Starbucks on campus, which is actually about a half block in distance from where I am. He comes over to where I am, picks me up, (how gallant of him) and carries me to the ER. After waiting about an hour and a half, I not only have a really 'sexy' orthopedic shoe, (yeah right), that I'm supposed to wear for five days, I also have a really sexy pair of metal crutches that I don't really need as well.

When I get home, my mom is all concerned, fretting over me and my ankle and she's been babying me for the past three days. I don't mind it actually, it's nice to see her so concerned over me, telling me to stay in bed, and fixing me everything, kinda makes me feel like I did when I had walking pneumonia, except I'm conscious enough to actually enjoy it. I called off of work, for two days and I went in today, to only be called Gimpy by my boss. He's such an a**hole. Another girl I work with said I injured myself on purpose so I could get time off, but I said to her, "Hey, unlike you, I actually like working for this department and this company, so shut the hell up!" I've been here, plowing through all these calls I have to return, and I'm finally finished, so I'm waiting for 230 to leave and go home.

Yay, I just found out I can leave!

Hobbling around does have its advantages....
Ashley Robin

Women, We Gotta Do Better!

I've been talking to a friend on myspace about the state of females today and I just felt the need to share part of the discussion. Apparently, instead of being happy that a fellow female is doing well, living life drama-free and happy, maybe even in love with someone great, or just in love with life, some women (not all, since some are the ones who are targets) conspire and try their damndest to bring them down all in a fit of jealousy. They deny it, saying they 'ain't concerned with that bitch', etc, and try to claim they are so secure and confident in who they are, but overall, they're just really sad people. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.

It hurts me to see this happen, with the ladies because 1) I am a female and 2) I come from a place where this simply did not happen. I hate to say it, but it's the Midwestern girls. My time in New York as a teen and child, I grew up around confident girls who didn't backstab, conspire to humiliate or talk about each other behind each other's back or feel the need to debase themselves for attention or popularity. There has to be something about the water out here, maybe, that just makes it normal female behavior to knock someone else of the same gender. Think about it ladies, have you ever been out, doing your damn thing, looking and feeling good, and you notice a girl or two or three, sitting or standing in a corner, looking or pointing at you and whispering. When you get closer to them, you hear, "that bitch thinks she's better than so and so..." it goes on and on. In my last relationship that happened constantly. Everytime we went out, "that bitch thinks she's so dope because she's with him" and so on...when actually, it's not me who thought I was tight business, it was my man, since he made me his girl! LOL. Even though to this day, he thinks I'm wonderful and pays me all the attention when I'm around, practically ignoring other women. It's an issue that was a problem while we were together. Ironic. But that's another blog.

Back to my point...in my life it's happened to me more times than I can count and even moreso now that I've got a nice car, a great job and money coming in, great prospects in school and am happy. I hear it, "that bitch thinks she's raw because she got all that hair..." when it's not me who thinks I'm 'raw', they obviously must, since all they do is hate. To bring it back to what my friend and I were discussing on myspace, women also feel they have to use their sex to make up what they lack in confidence, self-esteem and intelligence. Because although using 'what you got' to get a man's attention is cool in a moment, it never lasts. It's the brain power, the sensuality of an idea, the 'less is more' philosophy that keeps a man interested in the long term. Trust me, after having been in relationships for no less than a year a piece, I know. We gotta do better. This can't be how things work.

If you like what someone is doing, don't tear them down, ask them how they got there. If you like an outfit, pair of shoes, accessory or someone's hair...ask them where they got it, who does it, etc...it's the only way to kill the pattern. No more lowering standards and becoming a hater to feed some need to be jealous and envious. It's not healthy. Matter of fact, it's not even constructive. It's P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. What are your thoughts, men and women? Please comment. Let me know if it's just me.

Ash

I (Sometimes) Wish..

I sometimes wish I was a kid again. Not because my childhood was great, it actually sucked a whole lot, but because things were so simple. I can wonder thinking about a crush was the biggest obstacle I ever had, not where I'm going to apply for grad school. LOL. Although I wouldn't give away the freedom with someday being in grad school and getting a six figure job, having no cares and loving what I do....being able to get married to Mr... and having his kids, all that, it's just nice to have things be simple for a while.

Again, enough with the lying! My friend called me today, and she asked, "So, what's up with this whole bs that people do, sending out false energy into the world?" She's a big believer in true and false energy and being truthful, not insulting people by thinking they really are complete dumbasses, and etc. I told her that stupid people were taking over the planet, that there's really nothing you can do about it.

People always seem to want to make themselves or their situations look WAYY better than they are, instead of admitting what they have or don't have and dealing with it. She's speaking about a specific situation. she's got a friend, well, actually, they are my friend too, and this girl is lying to all of us about simple stuff, like where she lives (who the hell would lie about that?) and that her boyfriend isn't controlling (when he completely is...she was coming out with us, and he wanted the license plate number as well as physical description of the car we were in...WTF?!!)

Now, we're all worried because she's gone ghost...again. Last time this happened, she ended up taking a bus from VA to NY to our friend Lacey's house to get away from this guy who had obviously beat on her, and then she CALLS him to say she misses him from Lacey's home phone. He does an address finder on the number and shows up, demanding she come back. Lace was like, "fuck that, i'm not dying over this shit..." and told her to come out. She did, they left and that was that. A few months later, she's crying and upset again, telling us all that she moved back into her mom's house...but yet, still has the same home number as she did when she was living with the guy. I mean, come on...we have caller id, we are not stupid. Again, lying and in turn insulting people's intelligence...not a good thing.

Assuming that people aren't gonna catch on to your lies and strings of deceit is just bad business. I mean, imagine you have a different story for each person you know. What if they meet and talk about you? Now, you've got to either keep them seperate or keep certain parts of your story the same so that they have no idea. Like, for example, saying you are sick. She'd tell one of us she had stomach flu, the other she had cramps, so if we spoke, it'd be like, "hey, have you talked to Cammie* today?" we'd say, "nah, she's sick." if we were to delve into it and discover she told two of us two different illnesses, she'd say, "well, i meant stomach cramps, not period ones." That girl is super smart. For all that energy thrown into it, she could have built a cold fission device.

So back to my point, I sometimes wish I was a kid again, where life was simple and whatnot. You only had to worry about what kind of ice cream you'd get when the truck came, and not worry about people's well-beings, mental or physical. But then again, without the age and maturity to recognize peril, we'd probably be taken in by their bs. Sigh...life's so conceptually complex. Gotta love it though.

back to my movie...(hits the play button...gotta love on demand!)
ashley


*Not her real name, by the way

It's A New Dawn, New Day, New Life for me..and I'm Feeling Good

I love the fact that I'm stress-free. I LOVE IT! Nothing can affect my happiness. I can't do the hard training right now, so I've gotten into yoga and pilates and back into my ballet. I was at the gym, just dancing, to the above mentioned song, actually....(ten points for you if you know it, lol) and I'd never felt so good. I think it's because I've let all the negativity wash away, like dirt on my toes, and just go down a drain to wind up far, far away.

I never would have thought letting go of certain issues would make me feel so....elated to be. I mean, not only did I cease caring about trifling mess and the people associated with it, I also got things straight with my ex...which did wonders for both of us, since we were both too damn confused...and I managed to slow down physically, so that I wouldn't wear myself ragged. Being forced to wasn't a good thing, of course being forced to do anything you don't want to sucks, but it made me realize what was important.

School. My health. My family. My spirit. My dreams and goals. (Not in any order, mind you) But sometimes they intersect. I've decided that going to grad school is a must. I have to go. Hell, I want to go. I'm ready to go...NOW! LOL. Plus, it'd make me feel more confident entering into my field, and I'm more liable to get a job with a graduate degree, killer persona and nice looks than just looks and persona alone, since almost everyone has a undergrad degree these days. So the plan, over the next year, is to go look at the schools I'd want to apply to.

1-Yale
2-NYU
3-Columbia University
4-Northwestern
5-Princeton
6-Georgetown
7-Stanford
8-USC

I want a school with prestige, a strong communications program and a school that is in a big enough city that I can find a part-time job if I need to. I got into half of them for undergrad, (yeah, my SAT scores, grades and recommendations and all that was just that great). So that's my goal for the next year, is to narrow down the aforementioned list to four, and apply to those four the semester before I'm due to graduate.

Gotta go get ready to rock and roll,

Ash

Renewed Sense of My Life: I'm Lovin It!

The past few weeks, I've been out of it. Between being my getting sick, mom being sick, Kev being sick and then all this hating bullshit from spineless no-names, I've been so...unlike me. I know it, you know it and it's time for me to not be. My drama with my ex had me all fukked up, so yesterday, I called him up, and decided it was the time to have..."THE" talk. Well, that's what we did. We talked about everything, from the beginning to the end of our time together. Found out he was jealous, which shocked the hell out of me considering the type of guy he is. Found out his mom liked me, and calls me her daughter, despite us telling her a while ago that we weren't together, and even scored an invite to a family function. Found out he also had plans to change some of the things about him that I didn't like, but it was going to be an uncomfortable change. (We both decided it be best to be who we are.) And, the most important thing...I found out that we are really great friends.

We laughed, smiled, hugged and there was nothing but love in the air. When he walked me to my car, we were back to how we were when we were dating, (but not really involved) just really, really cool. (Minus my gushing and major crush-like feelings towards him..lol) He told me something that I'll never forget, that out of all the women he's dated, I was his equal and if he ever got it together well enough that he'd think it would work, he'd forget the dating and all that, and just ask me to be his. He said that no matter what, I'd still be sexy confident Ash, and that's who I need to be forever. So, I got in my whip, placed my sunglasses over my eyes, put the top down, and let my hair blow all around me as I drove off.

Went to the doctor, who gave me yet another checkup...and told me that I was okay to continue my regular lifestyle, but just to cut back on the physically demanding workouts. Sigh...nothing like getting my blood pumping in the gym. Anyway, he recommended I do yoga, which is something I hadn't really thought about. I mean, Madonna's got a killer body and she does it...so I'm off to find a yoga class.

Went to the gym and hit the crap out of the bag...which to be honest had never really felt THAT good. Then, I went home, piled up with my 360 and zoned out for a few hours until my male counterpart, Kev, called me and invited me to an all-guy sleepover at my and his boy's crib (the best friend of my ex (who happened to come by, and stayed...no weirdness at all...damn, we keep our circle tight!!!!). While there, I managed to kick everyone's ass in Call of Duty and managed to get the hang of Madden on 360. Despite my practicing at home, I felt proud. No delegating me to watching...I was all in the game!

This morning, I came home, ate some breakfast and bummed around, waiting on these work documents to come so I could fill them out. (They never came...boo.) My week, so far, would be awesome if I didn't have this jury thing over my head...but I'll know in less than 24 hours. I'm going out this weekend, who wants to come along?!

The Lovely Ash's Back....
You really didn't think I'd be down for that long, would you?

Ashley Robin

P.S.- Watched Hell's Kitchen...definitely the best cooking reality show since Top Chef. As a matter of fact, it's like Top Chef on Heroin....

Irony: Let It Go and Let It Be

I know now that i've done some bad things, and I've done some good things. I've tried to live my life as people who were around but aren't anymore would want me to, to not hold anything back, to be as honest and supportive of a person I can be. I've done some bad things, like driving people I loved away from me, being a bit selfish. However, I'm convinced that I'm not a bad person. I'm bad at geometry, but not at other things, like friendship. I've been an explemary friend, even when it's meant befriending someone no one wanted to be friends with, defending them from being called names, and even losing some of my own status. Despite me going in my pocket to make sure that my friends had lunch, enough money to get home and even paying the way for pretty much everything, not to mention shuttling their ass around without EVER getting a dime in gas money...you know what happens? Can you guess? I get called fake, phony, backstabbing, skanky and god only knows what else.

Now, it makes me laugh, because like my ex says, it's done out of jealousy and envy, but at first I was hurt. I wasn't surprised because I saw it coming...I mean, when you see a friend suck someone else's ass so much that they lose their identity...that they glop onto a person whose view of the world is completely fucked and this person is known for their distaste of you...it's only a matter of time before the second party becomes a mouthpiece for the first.

Regardless of all that, me being the good person I am, I try to extend an olive branch to basically try to understand why exactly this happened, and if I really did anything to merit such bad-mouthing. I get nothing in return, except some more jibber jabber. Talking to my ex and my hairdresser about it at the salon got the comment that 'psycho jealous little girls can't be reasoned with'.

So, to them I say, "If you have beef, come to my crib and say it to my face and take your ass whipping. Otherwise, leave me the hell alone, leave my name out your mouth and don't even spend time thinking about me."

Sigh...now that's done, I can say let go and let be. I won't speak on it anymore, and won't think of it anymore after this moment. Got bigger fish to fry so I'm going dancing.

Ashley Robin

Just Hanging with the Boys

Today's been a good day so far. I just came home to change and decided to pound something out before I head back out again, mainly because I've been getting emails asking me what's been up...I keep telling people to check the blog, no one listens..oh well.

Earlier last week, my ex's best friend was talking about going paintballing, and when he asked me how I liked it, I said I'd never been before, but I always wanted to go. He then told me that he was going to go some time next week (this week) with some of his buddies and asked if I wanted to go. Since he's a total sweetheart, and I'd never been, I said sure, why not.

This morning, they come to pick me up, and immediately from when my sleepy ex leans up from the backseat and hands me a sesame seed bagel and a vanilla soy latte...(he remembered!) I can tell it's gonna be a fun day. We get to the forest preserve, and we have a ball. I actually win the flag a couple of times and run around being silly until POW....right in the butt. According to the guys, it was a big target. HAHA....

No drama, no nothing. Just a bunch of us hanging out and being silly. No matter what will happen between me and my ex, these guys will be my buddies. They made sure to tell me that they thought I was cool and he knows I'm cool, so I'm welcome to hang with them anytime...which is weird since they don't really hang with girls too often, except when they are getting that QT time in. These six guys laugh, joke and are fun...they are so less complicated than girls.

Kevin came too...and he added a whole other level of laughter to the day...between his "You guys, I think I just shot bambi" bit to the "damn, is that a moose or is that tony's mom?" line...we just had a good time enjoying the day....and it's not over yet. I'm supposed to go meet them later, so i gotta get changed.

Kisses,
Ashley Robin

News, Tattoo and Relationships

Been ghost..yet again. News is that I won't be in summer school because my school booted me outta my summer classes. So, i don't have to work like a dog to pay for them, but I've already gotten my loan check in the mail. It's gonna be a hard battle to not go and spend that shit, but I'm thinking I might invest a little of it, and see what happens. Never know, I could get my money back plus some.

I've decided to get another tattoo. I like my bird, but I've always wanted something relating to music, since I love it so much. In another life, I'll be a singer, I know it. I probably was Janis Joplin last time. (i do believe in reincarnation, btw, don't get it twisted) Anyway, I'm thinking of doing something with music, but something clever...I wish I could draw...i'd be a sketching fool right about now. I'm gonna get it done this summer, so when i do decide on it, it'll definitely be getting shown off...a lot.

I'm also going to go to NY at some point. I don't really care if I drive, fly, train it, whatever....I just am starting to feel like I need to go away. I need to get away from this city before I scream and get into a fight.

My ex boyfriend, Mr. Wonderful came by my house earlier tonight, wanting to talk, wanting me to know he wanted me back, saying he loved me and missed me and wanted a chance to do it all over again...and the sight of him was enough to have my heart all up in my throat. I felt like if I talked to him anymore, I'd be back with him, and for me and what I want for myself and my life, I'm not sure if that's good. We're standing out on my porch, talking and talking, and I start thinking about things, memories of things like being in his arms, the feeling of his lips on my forehead, what it felt like kissing him, rubbing his skin, braiding his hair and finally cutting it when he wanted it short again, the feeling of his hands in my hair when he washed it, the warmth of his breath on my feet when he painted my toes, the smell of his neck lulling me to sleep in his bed, and I realize that I'm starting to feel faint.

My heart feels so conflicted, never so much in that one moment about just going inside and not reuniting with him, or just crumbling into his arms the way I've seen in movies...and I look at him...and I start to cry. Mind you, I don't really cry. He's never seen me cry, so it shocks him and me at the same time. But it doesn't make the tears stop, they can't stop, for some reason...as if he's meant to see me this way and I'm meant to be. I just cry and cry and cry more. He stops talking, and just hugs me. And to be honest, a hug from him has never felt so good. I keep crying, but he's just there, not talking, hugging me and running his hands through my hair. I've never felt more loved, more safe and more...alive. And, honestly, I've never felt more confused.

I just don't know. He's left, and I'm here. With my thoughts. I'm confused. Sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. I think that's what made me cry, because no matter how much I love him....and how much he loves me....it just isn't enough.

Ashley Robin

P.S.- Today is Six-Six-Six....some say it's the devil's day. I think everyday has the potential to be devil's day, but just to be on the safe side, watch out for the crazies.

Contemplating and an Epiphany

Normally I don't post a blog daily, and normally, I don't have time. But, this week, I've been forced to do a lot of thinking. Over the past few days, I've watched my friend go through a surgery that if unsucessful, could have changed his life and it made me realize a lot of things. To not bore anyone to complete death, let me sum up some things quickly. This friend and I have always been there for each other. No matter what...our friendship, which began over 12 years ago...(sounds like a really long time...but it flew by so quickly)...has had its ups and downs. We've managed to go from hating each other to love, and even through our worst periods of arguing, been there 100or one another. When I was in the hospital for three days, even though I didn't really advertise it at the time, people came to visit. He was one of them. When I got out, and made it known that I was indeed sick, people who consider themselves my friends didn't even ask if I needed anything, anything at all. Mind you, some of these 'friends' say they've known me longer than my friend who was there, and that they were one of my better friends and that they loved me....

Love, when it comes to friends is a weird thing. Kev, who has had leukemia for a while, managed to stay with me when I was going through my illness and take care of me. Honestly, I think it took his mind off of his own illness, but it was the friend thing to do. He's never taken advantage of me, never left me dry, never talked about me to my face, never been anything but 100onest, even if I didn't like his opinion or thoughts about a person or a subject. Friends are a rare thing to come by nowadays.

I have a friend, (well, I'm honestly not sure if she's a friend anymore since she's started to talk about me)...who has done nothing but use me the entire time I've been friends with her. I've never done anything like that to anyone, ever. Honestly, I knew it was happening and if I didn't know, people around me pointed it out, but I let it continue because I felt sorry for her. I still do. She lies to people about her situation, her life and all that, pretty much anything anyone can lie about... and when the lies catch up to her, POW...she's got more lies to cover it up. I mean, I've told a fib or two in my life, hell who hasn't, but not like the lies she's told, not to get attention, to have people feel sorry for me or to make myself look like a complete victim...these lies, they not only make no sense, they are also insults to your intelligence.

Especially when we're all grown, no one is a baby anymore and it's time to accept responsibility when you're 22...it's time to stop acting like a kid. I didn't mind driving here or going there, or even picking up the tab for shit, but when I'm not working and you are, when I'm a full-time student living in an apartment and making ends meet by selling stuff on ebay and amazon, and just enough cash to just pay rent, bills and buy groceries...when my boyfriend is giving me money to get shit for my cat and puts me on his health insurance when I get sick so I won't have to pay for huge hospital bills...and you're working full-time and living with your parents, able to go shopping on a regular basis for yourself, don't ask me to pay for things that you should be more than capable to pay for and you know i'm going through shit like this...knowing i'm struggling for shit and you decide to force me to do it anyway, probably because they are jealous of something of mine deep down.... It's upsetting and disgusting. So, my answer is to cut it all off. It's never been friendship...and the lie stops now.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Ashley Robin

Always Wantin Somethin 4 Nothin.....

I'm convinced that almost everyone wants something for nothing. Whatever happened to the idea of hard work, working so hard that when the good does come, it's just that more great. People expect opportunity to fall into their laps, and it's not fair to those who know getting into the game that shit ain't easy.

Look at the way society is today. They are teaching people to not aspire to work hard, just to get nice shit. And trust me, having nice shit is GREAT, but if there's no work behind it, that's all it is...SHIT. I was raised that if you strive for something, whether it be a job, class grade, radio mix, whatever, that if you put as much of yourself and your work into it, it would end up well for you in the end. You might not get that specific job, but someone will see you doing your thing and remember that you are a hard worker...and when something else comes up, (and it might be something better than that first job), they'll think of you. That's how I've gotten to where I've been...with dedication, ambition, focus and HARD WORK!

What inspires me to say such? Well, in the past two years of my life, I've busted my ass a million times to have the connects I do in my industry, to not only say I know people, but have gained their respect, confidence and trust as well. Not to tip my own hat, but people who are where I want to be someday have asked me for my feelings about industry-related matters and have taken my advice. So, I know I'm not booty...at all. Just seems like people who want to be in that same industry but maybe not in the same capacity as I do want to try to take advantage of that. And while it flatters me that they think I can help, it also feels like they are bending me over and trying to rape my ass. Literally. I usually end up pissed off. I can't help it. I feel like, why should I do you a favor and do XYZ for you, when I might need a favor for myself someday? Why should i go out on a limb and say that your shit is hot, when it might be a huge mistake and be some garbage shit altogether, ruining my credibility, my name and my chance of ever getting that person to believe in me and my future? It ain't worth it. Point is- Don't ask me for shit.

Ash

Love and Life...Both Are Complicated

It's been a rough few days on me. My head is still spinning from all the stuff going on, and I'm thinking more and more about just leaving this mess and going to NY for a permanent vacation. Something about that city soothes my soul...the chaos going on in it makes my little messes seem not so vital to the everday. I can't even begin to describe the hell that this last week has brought.
Number one, I went to the doctor and she told me I'm severely deficient in iron, which is why I've felt so sluggish and tired these past few weeks.

Number two, my might-be-an-ulcer-if-I'm-not-careful (aka Lucy) had been bothering me constantly, so my holistic doctor gave me some herb based pills to take to clean my body of its impurities, and hopefully stop the ulcer from really causing me pain like they did last time and man, are they working, but my face looks like a minefield...yep, my perfect clear skin is riddled with pimples. I went to him to see what that was about, but he said it was just a side effect of the pills. So, I'm taking them to hurry up and get them outta the way, and he says that I should feel better internally after and that my skin should clear up. Should, being the operative word, but I'm getting some Proactiv just in case.

Number three, I'm taking two classes this summer, Biology and Biology. Sounds like fun, eh? Yeah...right. I hate bio. Cannot stand it with every fiber of my being, so I'll be at school just...foundling along.

Number four, paper still isn't done. Stuff just keeps poppin up! I can't do anything for all these interruptions and people wanting me to do this and do that...I feel like I'm getting pulled in all sorts of directions.

Number five, a good friend of mine has cancer. She's so young and so full of life and energy...it's a shame. She has kids too, and me having watched that in my life...just makes me horribly sad. Memories keep flooding back and it's not really something I want to deal with now. I'm saving that for Dr. Phil.

Number six, I need to get my life together. And a summer job might be nice too.

Ashley

New York, New York

So instead of having a party on my birthday, I'm going to New York. I'm either gonna crash at my dad's vacant apartment or stay with the love of my pre-man sabbatical life. I'd rather stay at his place, since it's more homey... but we'll see. It's all about shopping, shopping and more shopping. I'm actually gonna try to get stuff straight with my dad once and for all. I'm looking forward to it.

Who's down? I'm trying to go and soon. Stay in some shitty NY hotel or hostel, go out dancing, have a good time sipping lattes in the village, eat knishes outside of Madison Square Garden, go to Coney Island and eat lobster rolls while riding the Cyclone until we vomit. Drinks at the 40/40, shopping on 5th avenue, walks in Central Park, seeing the Statue of Liberty, taking dorky pictures, see something on Broadway.....just live it up a few days. Sound good? Any takers?

Ashley Robin

Catch Me While I'm Sleepin...Maybe While I'm Dreaming Too...

I don't want to go to school anymore for this year. I just want to chill out until the fall. However, if I blow this summer off, I'll have nothing to show for it, so back to school I go. Sigh...lol. These last two weeks are the HARDEST! Not that class has gotten more challenging, but it's more of a challenge for me to want to go...lol. I've got a research paper to tackle this weekend, and I have no real plan on doing it. That's in theory what tomorrow is for...spending time researching sources and putting some kind of theory together. However, I just got an XBOX 360 and it's in the same room as my computer and stuff. I hope I can be strong enough to work first and play later.

Got an interview tomorrow with a promotions company. I don't know what they want me to do, since they asked me to come in, but we'll see.

Also, why is it when I decide to take a sabbatical from men....the one man I was with in a relationship, the one who was the mystery, decides to confess his love for me? That's a whole other blog, but I'm still doing the solo thing. I don't plan on giving that up for a while...I just finished watching two of my friends who were together bicker and fight for no damn reason...I vowed to myself that I won't let that be me. I just won't. I'll be alone for my entire life before I play the 'who can hurt the other the worst' game. It's not my style.


P.S.- Errbody knows Tom and Katie had the baby. I just want to know, what the hell is a Sumi? Mom told me Sumi was her name, and I said, "Semi? why would someone name their kid Semi?" then she explained all that "it means this in farsi bs" whatever! What happened to nice names, like Quietasha and Buygoletta or Shantienese....?

Big Kudos to my girl Jade kicking butt on ANTM. No one I know likes her, but I do. I think she's got serious moxie. Also, I think Pickler should have been voted off Idol...she gets on my nerves. Ace should have stayed.

Stay gorgeous...
Ash

Oh FEMA, Where Art Thou?

I love my life. I cannot stress that enough. I'm definitely not as crazy as people think...definitely not. I use my blog to just spit out the random mess that tumbles in and out of my brain....not to hurt feelings or be an ass, but just to clean the clutter out of my mind. I ramble and ramble and love to be free of these thoughts, thoughts that can accumulate, and create stress. I take reverie in the method of decompressing....I do, I do.

Anyway, with that 'disclaimer' being said...why is it that I find out people read this, but never comment? It's totally okay to comment on my mess, whatever you think of it. I wouldn't put it out there if i didn't want someone to tell me I was right, or I was crazy....

In other news, I had a chance encounter on my way to see V for Vendetta (which is really good, by the way) that made me laugh so hard, I almost snorted ginger ale out my nose...LOL. Normally, people and situations don't make me laugh as much as this particular individual, but I just...I so needed that chuckle. I'll share it.

Basically, I was sipping on my diet ginger ale, on the way to the movie. Realized I was low in gas, so I head to the gas station...and as soon as I pull up and start to pump my gas, a man who looked like he needed a good scrubbing with a scouring pad walks up to me. Already, I know he's gonna ask me for money. But, he doesn't come to me, and instead talks to another woman, who is out of my earshot. I figure he assumes I'm not one to ask for change, so I get into my car and am almost ready to pull off. When, suddenly, I see him at my driver's window (which is down). He immediately asks for a moment of my time, and begins to tell me that he and his wife are at a nearby hotel, hungry and needing food and gas. He says they are both displaced due to Katrina, and shows the Louisana ID to prove his point. I say to him, "Well, how'd you get that car (which happened to have Louisana plates), since most people left that area by bus or helicopter." This man says to me, in all seriousness...."I bought the car with my FEMA check." That had to have been the funniest thing I'd heard, because not only was the car a piece of crap, he and his wife had money to help them relocate, used up their free time in the hotel, ran out of coupons to get food and such, instead spending the money on a car. Sigh....I gave him a couple of dollars, and drove off. When I got far enough, I started laughing. Not at his situation, but his need for speed.

Sigh...
Someone help Us....

Kisses,
Ashley Robin

Men...They Complicate My Life

I wish I could really say a lot's been happening, but other than school, life's been kinda blah . I'm enjoying my life, though...enjoying being able to take this time (since school's not that particularly challenging ) to find my center and enjoy my time as a bum. LOL. I've got a job interview working retail later on today, and I'm hoping I get it, so my time can be filled with something more than studies....not that I'm not grateful, but the last time I was in school, I was studying and working and maintaining a relationship. 2 out of 3 ain't bad....for now.

Men, men, men. I kinda bit off more than I could chew with my ex, the former Mr. Wonderful. We talked on the phone last night, and he said that he misses me. I asked him if he missed me or the idea of me, the experiences we shared together, or just the relationship. He says he misses my laugh. When he said that, I actually laughed. It's weird...this whole love-like-care about pyramid, this cycle that I go through with him...from liking him to hating him to wanting to spend a month curled in his arms....and the drama he's capable of putting on me..it's done nothing but stress me out! I'm conflicted in that I want to see a future with him, but I know there isn't one. My entire body, heart, soul and mind say not to go there....but there's a sliver of my heart that just...is hesitant. I wish the decision would be unanimous.

My mom says I need to stop worrying about him, and go out more. So, I decided to do just that. There's a cute guy who goes to my school...well, he's not really cute, he's amazingly sexy, like how my ex is. Anyway, we've been friends for a while, hanging out with our respective social circles and whatnot. I kinda like his style, but not the point where I'm SPRUNG...lol. Anyway, before I could even entertain the idea of possibly going that route with him, I find out that he's in a relationship. Been that way for a while too...and he's unhappy in it. Well, I'm no homewrecker, so I decided to leave it alone. However, HE started pursuing me....calling me, trying to get close to me, etc...and of course, I'm open to that. Well., I guess it'd be like this pattern...I'd be with him, (forgetting about the fact that he has a girl) and then be reminded and then feel like an evil slut or something, despite the fact I hadn't even gotten that deep into something with him. So, I've decided to leave that alone before I get hurt or even grow attached to him.

Then, there's my so-called fiancee. He's cool, but it's complicated. I wonder if I was in the same city as him if I'd be with him..and I know I might be. I didn't really know him when I was in DC, but we got closer after I left. Part of me doesn't really know him on the level to really, really, really care about...but something about him is so....honest. He's sort of all-American kind of cute, dimples, all that. He wants a nice career, and is going to get it, he's smart, intelligent, a little nerdy but not really nerdy and definitely a good time. We're not together because of the distance thing, but I recently found out he's talking to a bunch of girls, none of which are his girlfriend...(he says he's only giving that title to me) but I'm not exactly sure if that's what I want with him. He says he wants to marry me someday, which is why he asked to be engaged to be engaged, but....I have my doubts.

Then there's me. Of course I'm not a man, but sometimes I ruin my own happiness. I had a perfectly good relationship in DC, and I destroyed it. I don't really think I was ready for it at the time...and it seemed to be way to serious. Mind you, I was in my partying stage when that relationship happened. Add that to the fact that the guy was probably the most controlling and obsessive person I've ever met...not wanting me to go out with my girls, wanting to spend time with me 24/7 except when I was in class and at work, all that obsessive stuff. (And he was like that before I destroyed things by just totally rebelling against him and his ways...lol) After I started doing whatever the hell I wanted, then he got worse. But, it could have been avoided if I'd been upfront instead of pushing him away. Ironically, even though I'm talking as though I want to be with that guy, I really am glad I'm not. Elated, actually.

I think I'm gonna go join a convent..

Kisses ,
A.R.

P.S.- I have this damn toothache that will not stop. Feels like someone's got my gums and tooh in a vice. Sigh...if there's one thing I hate, it's the damn dentist, and now I gotta go because my ambesol is running low, my vicodin have expired and I'm not getting good sleep because of it. Apparently, I looked up my symptoms and I'm either gonna have to have the teeth pulled (my back two on the top nearest to my wisdom teeth that I had pulled last year) or a root canal. Neither of which excites me or makes me feel gre

He's Got Really Buttery Fingers And A Great FICO

Well, I was stressed but no more. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin. For a while, I was a little out of it, not sure if it was just exhaustion due to lack of sleep or just being a little worried about the status of my social life, but I've got goals and dreams and plans. Bumps in the road are to be expected.

Kevin and I had an argument a few days ago...and we argue all the time. It's part of being best friends since we were 8 or 9. However, this argument was different because he stepped outside of himself, and I had to knock him back into his skin. Here's the situation...he'll hear about this but whatever.

Kevin's parents take care of him. I mean, he told his mom he wanted a car for Christmas, and she didn't get him a used car or anything like that, but she bought him a 2006 Infiniti G35. Altogether, the car cost about $35,000+. He also started school at Georgetown University on a partial scholarship, but he only got that because his SAT score was 1520 and his grades from his online classes were all A's. His grandmother sold her house and moved into a condo in California and put the money into an account that she'll be using to pay the leftover amount of his tuiton with, which is about 13,000 a year. Basically, the boy's got it made. Money has never been an issue with him...EVER...so he's not exactly the most responsible person when it comes to it.

When he said he was going to school, his mom and stepdad got him a credit card. Not just any credit card, but an AmeX with a 10,000 limit. Mind you, he's not going to spend that much, but still. So, when I told him I got my credit evaluated and was trying to get it up to par so I could buy my 4flat next year, he told me that he didn't think I was responsible when it came to money. I laughed so hard...until I realized he was serious. I know we fight like a married couple, but he's lecturing me about money when he decided on a whim that he was going to buy a 1500 surfboard so he could take up surfing when he lived in Cali, and lost it in two days! Never filed a claim, never did anything because he was too forgetful. 1500 bucks down the drain. Or, when he bought a 450 pair of shoes and wore them once, found them to be too small and then gave them to the Salvation Army....lol. I was mad.

He ended up apologizing yesterday, but it was just the tip of my iceberg. I've not been able to sleep, I've been exhausted and I've felt a little bummed. However, getting 'engaged' on valentine's day morning was nice...made me feel special. I wish I could go into more detail, but I have to scoot to class.

Guess I'll Die Another Day

Sometimes I get real reflective on my life. I sit down, think about where I am in terms of where I wanna be and decide if I'm happy with my life. I've decided that I'm not as happy as I thought. Sure, I'm healthy, I'm walking, talking and intelligent. I've got good looks and the world is my oyster...but there's no point in pursuing it if you have no motivation. I just feel lost in the mundane, and so much that I can't see far enough ahead to console myself in the fact that the mundane is temporary. I just can't focus on the goal, but instead focus on the obstacles. It's unfortunate too.

I'm a little unsure of things because this is the first time in a while that I feel like I made a bad decision. I feel like letting Mr. Wonderful go was a bad move despite all the drama...and maybe it's because I miss him terribly, everything about him to his smell to his habit of curling his arms around me in his sleep and his southern drawl, but I really think it's because I'm just feeling bummed and totally alone in the world.... I'm not really lonely, because I'm not sure I want a relationship, but I'm moreso mourning the loss of the relationship that I had with him. I knew when I got involved with him that I'd fall hard, I just never had any idea until he was gone.

So, I had to go to see a mutual friend, and mind you, I hadn't seen him in a week or two, and he just happened to be there. I felt like crawling into a wall and staying there. I basically took up residence in my friend's bathroom and stayed there until he finally came in and asked me what was wrong. The next thing I know, I just started crying. I mean, tears out of nowhere. They just seemed to bubble up and overflow out of me...and I didn't feel any better. Crying only makes me feel worse, which led to more crying. After spending a good few hours curled up next to him, making me remember what it was like to be with him, he took me home, (I live within walking distance) and consoled me for a while, and then left to go to work. He's supposed to meet me at my house at 2pm tomorrow, (apparently me crying changed his opinion of me and for the better...he said, "wow, you cry. it's a breakthrough."), since he had to be at work.

Am I turning into a girl? Am I lovesick? What the hell is wrong with me?
I really don't know what's up...I mean, crying? someone just shoot me...

Kisses,
A.

The Emergence of An Urban SuperHero

Super Woman ain't got shit on ME, neither does Wonder Woman or Bat Woman. LOL.

Here's why.

Today, I'm in the car, getting dropped off at Chicago State by Mama...no big deal. We're driving south on Cottage Grove, headed towards 95th when Mama gets behind a school bus filled with kids. Some of the ones in the back look at us, and of course, me being me, I make faces at them and stuff. I'm doing that, when I see the bus start to look a little weird and I'm suddenly infused with this feeling that something bad is going to happen. I blink my eyes and look again, and just as the light on 87th goes red, I smell smoke coming from the exhaust/tail pipe.

Without thinking, me being the child-lover that I am, I get out of the car, (to my mom's surprise) and bang loudly on the bus door. The bus driver, looking dazed and confused, opens it, and when I tell him there is smoke coming from the bus, what does this mofo do but stop the bus and GET OUT TO LOOK AT IT. I get pissed because the first thing he needed to do was get the kids off, so that's what I decide to do, while he's out looking at the back. I make the kids line up in two lines, and calmly lead them off the bus and to the curb on 87th to safety. Just as the last kid is standing on that corner and the bus driver is walking towards us, looking at me as if he wants to kill me for 'cranking' him, there's a loud boom (yep, you guessed it, an explosion) that comes from the bus and it catches on fire, and black smoke fills the air, coming from the engine area. The police happen to be in the area (of course, it is 87th..lol) and they block it off and an officer comes and takes the kids to Dunkin Donuts (which I kinda found funny) for donuts and milk while they wait for another bus.

Turns out the bus gets burned to a crisp in the front area, basically rendering the front exit useless. Seems like I was just in the nick of time...someone was really looking out from above. Meanwhile, the police ask me a few questions, like what made me think something was wrong and all that. Then, they start calling me a hero and all that sort of stuff, commending me for my 'foresight and extreme bravery'.... I just think that I was doing something anyone else would have done if they'd seen what I saw, especially since kids were involved...I'd want someone to try to protect my kid, y'know? I didn't want anything, I didn't even give them my name, but I made sure to say goodbye to the kids before I left, and headed on my way to classes.

What a way to start the day....

Ashley Robin

Mr. Wonderful Makes An Extended Cameo

Just came from having breakfast with Mr. Wonderful. He actually came to my house, talked to my mom for a while, trying to get on her good side, but if you know my mother, once you get on her shit list, it's kinda hard to not be on it for some part. I think I'm really the only person that can piss her off one minute and be back on good terms with her the next. He tried, though, and Mom told him so, but she said the only way he could get back in well with her was to fix things with me...not just in terms of our bf/gf relationship, but our friendship as well.

Anyway, he and I went to the Pancake House to get some food, the site of one of first "official date", and while we were sitting there, I couldn't help but feel all those memories come flooding back. I mean, we were sitting in the exact same booth! My fault with him, why I don't really want to be with him is because of his preoccupation with other things. (Not to mention that he tends to forget about me in public arenas, forsaking me for the pretense of not having a girlfriend, appearing single to everyone except the people that really know him...and in doing so, hurting my feelings.) He says he cares, and I can tell that he does, but is that enough? Is it important for me to be acknowleged 24/7 or can I live with his need to appear a certain way in a certain setting as long as I know he's leaving with me? Isn't it nice to have someone there for you 100%, to be able to say that if something popped off, they'd be there for you, that you can point at and say "He's mine"? Isn't that normal relationship expectations? Or am I just psycho to think so? Should I be flexible? Should I just let him love me the way he wants, with no expectations?

(FYI- If he and I sort this out and give this another whirl, he wants me to move in with him. And that's another issue...am I ready to live with someone on their terms? Am I ready to give up my life with my mom, which is fairly independent, since she's more of a roomate than a mother type of figure? Should I make that sacrifice because he wants to fall asleep with me in his arms? Should I jump headfirst into it if I have issues regardless....or just say "fuck it' and do it since we only live once? SO MANY QUESTIONS....)

We finished breakfast early, and were riding around, just talking about things, and I asked him to take me to his house so I could get my clothes. Yes, I spent the night at his house (repeatedly, actually) and yes, I left clothes there. I don't exactly tell everyone everything I do...there's gotta be something I keep to myself, for myself.. just for my own pleasure. I can't be expected to share my entire life on the internet...LOL. My own little secrets. Anyway, we went to his house, and I saw a picture of him and I on the dresser next to his bed. The picture was of one his boy took, him carrying me on his back, him looking back at me and my face buried into his neck. That picture was taken the night after he first kissed me...and it actually made me smile to think he woke up and the first thing he saw was a picture of me. We were sitting on the bed, talking about things, and since there was a while before I had class, we decided to curl up on the couch and watch Oprah. (That was our morning routine...I'd make breakfast and we'd watch Oprah in our pajamas)

Doing that whole thing made me miss him even more, and I'm sure he did that on purpose. I'm not even shocked that I'd end up there with him, since he does seem to have some kind of pull/hold on me...those big brown eyes....I just fall into them. I couldn't help curling up in his arms, and closing my eyes, breathing in the faint hint of his cologne. Lately, he's been listening to Marques Houston's Naked album, because there are some serious sex songs on it and coincidentally, there was a song playing when we woke up called "I Wasn't Ready".

Lyrics:

[Verse 1: Marques Houston]
Wen u talked about our future
U would nod ya head and smile
But I didnt understand it
I was living in denial
I couldnt see tha picture
But now I see it clearer
Cause I was so young
And now that I could get cha
I wanted ta be wit cha
What have I become

[Chorus]
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
This is game that ive playin cause (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
I neva gave u ma all wen I had ur trust (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
But I put this on everything that I love
One more chance so we could make up
Wish it coulda worked back then
But the truth is I wasnt ready (I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Verse 2: Marques Houston]
Momma told me bout excuses
She'd say that there no use to say
Watchu would have done but did it
I had to learn the hard way
Now that its over
I wanted to jus hold u
But I kno I cant
I'm tryna be a soldier
I wanna do it over
Give me one more chance (I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Chorus]
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
This is game that I've playin cause (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
I neva gave u my all wen I had ur trust (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
But I put this on everything that I love
One more chance so we could make up
Wish it coulda worked back then
But the truth is I wasnt ready (I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Hook: Marques Houston]
Can I get a re-do baby
Cause u no I need u baby
And now I'm ready for ur love, ur love
I jus wanna see u baby
Jus wanna smell and breathe u baby (your so beautiful mami)
Cause I hate what we`ve become (yeah)
I wasnt ready for ur love

[Rap: Rufus Blaq]
Yo I waited I contemplated and then I did it
There was room for relationship but pretty had to hit it
We like hand in glove, a head to a yankee fitted
Game is responsibily, its all how u spit it (betta yet live it)
Cause karma is a tru adventure
Sorta like a ninga or king and all his splender
Remember love can be as cold as decemeber
Unless its in its truest form I could neva end ya
Can break or make u, see my vision cuz I know eventually
Ull see my vision by the way I'm livin (this is a given)
I'm givin u my heart I'm givin u my soul I'm givin u my gold
I'm sorry for the dirt that I did
Sneakin broads in and out tha crib
Tha double life I lived
They say a fool sells dreams
But a man makes dreams come tru
Mami I changed all for the love of u

[Chorus x2: Marques Houston]
(I,I wasnt ready)
This is game that I've playin cause (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
I neva gave u my all wen I had ur trust (I,I .. I wasnt ready)
But I put this on everything that I love
One more chance so we could make up
Wish it coulda worked back then
But the truth is I wasnt ready
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
[CORNER BOYS]
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)
(I,I .. I wasnt ready)

[Outro: Marques Houston]
Wish it coulda worked back then, damn ...

Irony is such a bitch when she wants to be, ain't she? I told him he should listen to that song a little more closely. He just hugged and kissed me, and drove me to school. (The school he recommended I go to and he himself graduated from...how's that for further irony...I go to the school he wants me to, because he didn't want me to leave him and go back to Howard, and we're still breaking up....)

Sometimes, certain things just aren't meant to be...we'll see what happens in terms of him. I hope for the best, whatever that is...

XoXo,

Ashley Robin

Wondering: Where Has All The Time Gone?

I've been thinking a lot about Kevin lately. It's kinda weird, I talk to him daily, as usual, but I miss him a lot. Life seemed to be....slower without him. It's like now, I'm in the end middle of January, and I don't really think I've accomplished anything. I wanna try to get my butt into shape like I was back in my high school tennis, track, crew and ballet days, but I just can't find the time to really dedicate to it. It's weird, because going back to school...I don't remember being this tired! I feel like all I can do is look forward to the weekends so that I can get sleep, and then when I actually have work to do, I feel like chucking my books across the room at someone...anyone. LOL.

I have decided that this whole "wait until Mr. Right comes along to rescue me from a life of singleness" might not work after all. Seeing as how recent developments with Mr. Wonderful who I said I wasn't going to deal with anymore seem to complicate that, I've decided to sort out the situation with him totally before I move on. I don't really want to get into the problems of it, but let's just say who and what he is complicates every aspect of my chance for hapiness with him, but because of his personality, style and general aura of liquid sexiness, I can't resist him. And I've tried. Horribly. And failed. LOL. It's so pathetic. I've started watching Grey's Anatomy on TV (mainly since it comes on after DH) and he's my McDreamy. I just wonder if I'm his.

Meanwhile, school is pissing me off generally. Apparently Mom makes too much money for me to get any kind of financial aid, but we ain't got it like the government says. My dad is nonexistent on that level, even though if he wanted, he could be Captain Save An Ashley and fix it, but he's being the typical asshole he's always been. It just chaps my butt, you know?

Was watching Reno 911 reruns and I picked up a new saying from the character played by Cedric McDonald(?), Deputy Jones, who said to a perp "D.T.A.M.F.S" (Don't Take Another Mother Fucking Step)...had me cracking up for a while. I kept backing it up on TiVo....god bless my TiVo machine...it's the only thing I have a regular relationship with these days.

Speaking of Reno 911, I heard they are going to make a movie-length feature with the same characters....so excited. It's written by the same people who write the show, which is apparently why there haven't been any new episodes. They start filming it in Miami and Reno this month....I'm over the moon.

Enough with my incessant blabbing, the Blob is on TV....campy 90's horror, but I love it regardless.

XoXo,

Ashley Robin