een thinking about some things. I've decided some things too. I've decided to do a Theresa and let go of my Ethan. His name isn't Ethan, but if you watch Passions, you understand what I mean. For a while, almost six months which is an eternity in my world, especially in terms of men, I've been dealing with a complicated relationship. Knowing the feeling of being in love with a guy and feeling his love. Being asked to be his and only his, and spending hours with his arms wrapped around me and finding joy in laughing with him. But love just wasn't enough to make sure he was mine, love wasn't enough to keep the promise that my heart, body, soul, spirit and mind made. Passion for each other, the ability to laugh, be tender and caring...it was all there. Without really writing about it before, he and I had our intense days, good and bad. We argued and we loved, all in a whirlwind of moments. We were brought closer together because of something that happened to me at the beginning of the year, someone who said they cared for me left me vulnerable and he was there for me when none of my friends, people who said they loved me and cared for me were. He stayed with me through it all, helped me to get better, and helped me to realize that love exists in the world. He was my inspiration to drive myself, to push myself forward, and for that I thank my Mr. Wonderful, because to me, he'll always be just that...wonderful. Nothing anyone can say will make me think or feel otherwise...but I have to let him go in order to move on.
It's the reason why I haven't been able to date anyone for too long, despite actually liking guys, the reason why I keep his number as ..4 on speedial, after my mom, lisa and anika, the reason why I see his face in my dreams. All this time, I thought I knew what love was, and I've loved before, but his love was different...it was adult love. Not a crush or infatuation, but the kind that makes you want to be a better person. It's why I was on the Dean's List, why I was trying so hard to be the girl of his dreams, why I stepped out of my comfort zone, and why I could not picture my future without him being in it.
Well, last night, I slept and dreamt of things other than him, and thinking of my future, well, he wasn't in it for the first time, and while I was sad, I was happy...because in my acceptance of the fact that the 'us' will never be, it makes room for something or someone else. Like everyone else, I just want happiness and serenity in my life. He knows all this, we talked about it today...and he seemed sad, but he understood. I know he'll be there for me, because I'll be there for him. And when I kissed him goodbye, it was the funniest thing...I knew in that moment I loved him, and always would, but realized that I was no longer IN love with him.
When I got home, I curled up in his t-shirt and tried to remember every thing about the moment he gave it to me, the night I absolutely fell for him, after our sixth 'date' running from his car to the house in my slip of a dress, getting soaked to the bone, and then being warmed by an instant fire he made. He ordered me out of my wet clothes, and threw the shirt and a pair of sweats at me. He turned around so he wouldn't see me in my underwear, but didn't know I'd taken them off as well. He and I spent the night by that fire, just talking and laughing, and he put a blanket around me and kissed my cheek as I slept. I remember waking up and seeing he was awake, watching the TV with closed captioning so I wouldn't be disturbed, (and falling for him in that instant) but only asking him why he couldn't sleep. No reason, he said, and told me to rest, that he'd make sure I got home the next morning. I told him I'd only sleep if he tried to sleep also, so he moved next to me, and I put my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. In the dark glow of the fire, our hands found each other and did not let go. That was the night it all began, the night we connected not just physically, but emotionally and I never told a soul about it. I loved the amount of that time that I kept secret, and that he kept secret, so we could have all those memories kept between us. It was something that we could think of as we worked together, and we could stare at each other and grin, waiting until we were alone to sneak kisses, hugs and all that mushy stuff. I only share it now for the first time, type it now for the first time, not because I think anyone will read it, but because it helps me to let go....
Ashley Robin
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