Guess I'll Die Another Day

Sometimes I get real reflective on my life. I sit down, think about where I am in terms of where I wanna be and decide if I'm happy with my life. I've decided that I'm not as happy as I thought. Sure, I'm healthy, I'm walking, talking and intelligent. I've got good looks and the world is my oyster...but there's no point in pursuing it if you have no motivation. I just feel lost in the mundane, and so much that I can't see far enough ahead to console myself in the fact that the mundane is temporary. I just can't focus on the goal, but instead focus on the obstacles. It's unfortunate too.

I'm a little unsure of things because this is the first time in a while that I feel like I made a bad decision. I feel like letting Mr. Wonderful go was a bad move despite all the drama...and maybe it's because I miss him terribly, everything about him to his smell to his habit of curling his arms around me in his sleep and his southern drawl, but I really think it's because I'm just feeling bummed and totally alone in the world.... I'm not really lonely, because I'm not sure I want a relationship, but I'm moreso mourning the loss of the relationship that I had with him. I knew when I got involved with him that I'd fall hard, I just never had any idea until he was gone.

So, I had to go to see a mutual friend, and mind you, I hadn't seen him in a week or two, and he just happened to be there. I felt like crawling into a wall and staying there. I basically took up residence in my friend's bathroom and stayed there until he finally came in and asked me what was wrong. The next thing I know, I just started crying. I mean, tears out of nowhere. They just seemed to bubble up and overflow out of me...and I didn't feel any better. Crying only makes me feel worse, which led to more crying. After spending a good few hours curled up next to him, making me remember what it was like to be with him, he took me home, (I live within walking distance) and consoled me for a while, and then left to go to work. He's supposed to meet me at my house at 2pm tomorrow, (apparently me crying changed his opinion of me and for the better...he said, "wow, you cry. it's a breakthrough."), since he had to be at work.

Am I turning into a girl? Am I lovesick? What the hell is wrong with me?
I really don't know what's up...I mean, crying? someone just shoot me...

Kisses,
A.