Dating...I'm Just going to sit this one out...

Hey,

So it's the holidays and I'm kinda missing my ex-boyfriend. Not because of the need to have someone there to look at across the table, to have that person around to deal with crazy relatives, but just because he was an awesome kind of guy. 

I look back on the times of my life when I was attached, and while I enjoyed it, for the most part, I felt that I had to work at the relationship. I would get bored so easily, and either get sick of the person OR they'd get sick of me. Either way, my track record with the male gender sucks. I always manage to feel like crap about it, simply for one reason..and that reason is:

I SEE UGLY WOMEN WITH BOYFRIENDS.

(now my mom said that I shouldn't assume they are great boyfriends or that I'd even want these guys, but I say screw that...if the 400lb lady on the bus can find a tenderoni love, why can't I? I'm a size six, with curves, a NY accent, a penchant for books and thrillseeking and a love for lemonade. I also read books really well, can cook my ass off and I don't eat pork. Who wouldn't want to date me?)

There, I said it. Yeah, yeah, I know it's wrong to see people as ugly and whatnot, but damn! I see physically and emotionally ugly women with boyfriends. I usually think to myself, "Well, if her ugly ass can get a dude, I KNOW there is one out there for me." But then I never find him. I hold out for a particular type, a guy who is smart, funny, kind, strong, ambitious, somewhat nerdy and somewhat good-looking. There are other things I'm looking for, but I don't want to get too specific. Bottom line, that guy is not the guy I end up dating. The guys I end up dating, for the best and worst case of the word, are assholes. Some are good assholes and some are bad, but yeah, these guys are good-looking, arrogant assholes. It's something about a confident guy that just does it for me. I don't know why.

So I end up dating a guy who is the opposite of what I want in some ways, and wouldn't you know it...I end up super unhappy and end up breaking up with them maybe a few months into the situation. It's obvious what the problem is...I either don't know what I'm looking for OR I am intentionally punishing myself by pushing away potential guys that fit my criteria. Either way, my love life is pretty shot. So, unlike the people out here who say to just keep looking, or don't look at all...I'm done. Why? Because the idea of dating just disgusts me.

The ritual of dating or courting began centuries ago when rich people wanted to marry other rich people, and met in settings prearranged by other rich people. In these settings, the future couple would never be allowed to be alone, and would fall in love with one another via letter, not email. Sometimes these couples would not even HOLD HANDS until their wedding day. And while many may balk at the idea of not getting some s-e-x (or at the least, a smooch), marriages in those days rarely ended in divorce. Yeah, you could say that they just stuck it out to stick it out, but they knew (unlike now) that marriage as well as divorce was not something taken lightly. 

Modern conventions of dating are much different. People tend to look for opportunities to be alone, letter writing is d-e-a-d on arrival, unless you count texting. LOL, what a riot. Anyway, it's a game of storytelling. You tell a person the story of your life, they tell you theirs and if they don't sound too crazy, self-absorbed or just don't click with you, they move onto the next level. Then, if they keep it up, eventually physical interactions get involved. Then, it gets dicey because love comes into the mix, either too much love or not enough love, and you either break up, fall in love or fall into a pattern of routine. 

Honestly, I want to be wooed. I don't need the settings of centuries ago, but a line better than "Hey, baby, what yo name is?" would work. Until I meet someone who I think I can deliver on what I want, I'm removing myself from the dating scene. I'm just gonna...sit on the sidelines and watch the ugly women with their boyfriends and continue to be confused.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

It's Nice to be Concise (At 4 in the Morning!)

Hey All,

Just wanted to post and say hi. Hi! Lol. I hope you guys like the new background, for all the male readers, I am crossing my fingers in that you don't think it's too girly...and my female readers, that you don't think it's too...mannish and dark. There's a orange bar that has the link to where I got it, so if you're looking to spruce your own blog up, feel free. Keep sending me the links to the blogs, I love reading what's in your minds...lets me know that I'm not completely crazy.

So, today's misadventure...wasn't really a misadventure. I know, I know...it's a FIRST. Long story short, I went out on a pseudo-date with a guy I've known for a while but never looked at like that...and it has been a while, that I can remember spending so much time laughing. I didn't realize I could laugh that long in that short a period. I'm still laughing at some of the stuff that happened..not just what happened, but the reactions to it as well.  Anyway, I'm not into calling things before they happen or breaking down all the details of the evening, but just know, I had a nice evening. I will try my hardest to share my misadventures along the way, and do not plan on losing any of my skepticism and cynicism toward the males, at least for now. And even though I don't get too many comments, I do appreciate all the emails I get, which are more than I'd ever expected to get with this venture. You can email all of them to ashleyrobin@mac.com, and I'll be sure to reply if you are asking for one. (Usually they are just thoughts and don't require a response). 

I am off to bed, and will talk more later.

Today's question: Can someone find the possibility of love in the most unexpected places? And can what your opinion of a person be THAT radically different from what they really are? (that question was inspired by something my mom said to me)

*Ashley Robin*

This Time Next Week/The Way Things Happen/Solo Explorations

I'll be school. Starting next week, I will be a senior in college. Last year of undergrad has finally arrived. Part of me is very conflicted, but the other part is relieved to be that much closer to law school. That's the goal, to go to law school. Everything I do now, in terms of my academics, is related to that. It is not a joke studying for this LSAT though, and I've decided to go on and admit that I need outside help. If I can't get into a class in time for the October test, I'll definitely get in one in time for the December test.  This cartoon is definitely on the money, as far as the time needed to study, it feels like 15 years! LOL...but in the meanwhile, I'll be getting everything together..just didn't realize there are so many fees involved! There's registration fees, LSDAS fees, application fees, document copy fees, transcript fees, and the list goes on and on. I just hope that I score high enough on the test to get into the law school of good financial aid programs (scholarship, anyone) and of my choosing. When I have more of a list of the schools I plan to apply to, I will share it, but now I'm just doing a lot of research into it.

So, a while ago, I was kind of discussing my lack of love life. All of a sudden, it seems as if I've got contenders in the ring showing interest to date me. It's weird how just when you start to think that the possibility of a love life is temporarily M.I.A., you find that you were wrong. And from the most unlikely people as well...people you figure either didn't notice you for one reason or another, or just didn't picture yourself with. By no means does that say I'm on the verge of finding my Mr. Robin, not at all, BUT there are guys who are interested in me and have made that interest known and that's what I wanted...just to feel..wanted. :-) Now, I do, so I feel like there's hope for the MisAdventures to actually become real adventures after all. I just hope that it doesn't cause me to have to change the blog or myself too much, because my misadventures are what keep people coming back to read and read. Even though hardly anyone comments, trust, I get plenty of emails in regards to this blog, so I know that someone out there (including you, Reader X) are currently enjoying reading about my goofy exploits and observations in love and life.

I've also happened to discover that there's some sort of a weird stigma about a woman doing things alone. I don't get that, maybe someone out there can make it clear to me. Just yesterday evening, I was telling a guy friend of mine, a friend who I know wants to be more than a friend,  about my desire to go to Great America before the summer is over, and I won't be able to enjoy any of the rides, especially the addition of a new roller coaster designed after the newest Batman movie, The Dark Knight.  For those of you not from the Chicagoland area, Great America is a nearby theme park full of roller coasters, water rides, etc, similar to Great Adventure or Disneyland, but with Bugs Bunny instead of Mickey Mouse. Well, lo and behold, he starts hemming and hawing, like he was assuming and therefore expecting me to just ask him to take me. Personally, I don't know if I can stand certain people that long, including him. He's kind of boring. But, before it even got to that, I cut him off by saying that I planned on going by myself. Do you know what this S.O.B. did? He LAUGHED. As if that was funny. For some reason, I was slightly pissed. Not only did this guy proceed to say that he thought it funny because women need someone to go with to such a "big place" but also that he'd never think I would actually do it, because I'm "too afraid to be alone". I was shocked, because while this guy is a friend, I realized he doesn't know me too well. 

So it begs the question: Are women really too chicken to do things alone? Or are they just afraid of what others will think?

I'm not. I haven't really delved too into my history before writing this blog, because lord know who reads it, but I spent almost 3 years living on my own in Washington D.C. I lived in the dorms of Howard University for a year, and then I moved out and got my own place for two years after. I worked a full-time job, went to school and socialized, all on my own. I had no escort from the train to my job or from the bus to my job or anywhere else I went. If I went to a club, (which I spent about 50% of my time there doing), I was going solo, sometimes to meet folks, sometimes not. When I was too drunk to even see straight, I called cabs. Hell, I even puked in the backseat of one. (I gave that guy a $40 tip on a $10 fare for that one). And when I went to Adams Morgan for late night pizza and beer, and was hit on by guys from American, Georgetown, George Washington and Catholic, I was solo. So, it kind of hurt my heart that this guy thought I was that dependent on company, specifically male company to escort me on my adventures of an outing. 

So, I've decided, as soon as my car is ready, I'm taking myself to Great America for the day. Alone. Even though now, it seems like there are plenty of guys willing to take me. How's that for irony?

*Ashley Robin*

Updates/Strange Evenings.

Hey,

So I've updated the blog to include some blogs that I regularly read. The writers are friends, so show your support! Also, if you want me to read your blog, or add it to the list, send me the link in an e-mail. I've also added a photo of myself, and this picture to the left is of me as well, since I have been asked to do that by the readers who don't know me personally. I'm debating on starting a photo album, just because I don't know if I want other people in my life "out there", but we'll see.

In other news, I had yet another odd outing. Now, I know the subject of this blog is my mis-adventures, so today's mis-adventure is based on dating. I met someone, be it an unconventional way, and we were supposed to go downtown. Well, I had a bunch of errands to run and whatnot, so I was pushing the rental car. Well, one of my errands was to get this tattoo of mine touched up, and the shop was in the burbs. So, I drove to pick up the guy, and then drove to the tattoo shop, figuring that we could talk in the meanwhile. Well, I'm no prude, but I believe if you ask someone to have a meal with you, you should be prepared to pay for said meal. Especially if you know the other person is unemployed. 

So, imagine my surprise when this dude wants a ride back to his house in my car, which is all out of my way, after not paying the bill at the dinner. Mind you, we weren't at some fancy place, we went to Schoops! The average tab of a person at Schoops, a midwestern burger joint, is $10! Yeah, I'm just lucky I had the money. I especially made it clear I was unemployed, while this guy works, and also made it clear I don't believe in paying for a meal that you were invited to. I paid my half, and took him home, and deleted his number out of my phone. If he calls, which I'm pretty sure he won't, I'll tell him not to call me again. Some could say I'm tripping, but let's not forget HE invited me out. HE wanted to eat. HE knew I was unemployed. HE knew I was broke. Bastard. So now I wonder, is chivalry dead? Or is it alive and well?

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Whomever Said "Love is Easy", They Are Lying to Themselves or Celibate Part II

Okay, so even though the first part of this blog was months and months ago, I felt it necessary to conclude it sometime before 2007 ended. Yes, no one really reads this, but I do not publicize this blog enough. That's my mistake. Oh well, that's gonna change. As I mentioned in part I, months ago I read Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages that my mom gave me after discussing my relationship. At that time, it was current, but now, its not so current. I guessed then what her message was, but the many months long gap between entries gave me the foresight to say that now I know what her meaning was...it was that she saw the potential of longevity between us because there was love there. She just wanted me to make the best decision for me....I already explained that I feel there are five types of significant others in relationships. Two of the five I named "The Distracter" and "The Con-Artist". "The Distracter" is pretty much a person who keeps you in awe, who you fall heads over heels for, and overwhelms you with charisma. In dealing with them, you lose yourself and become distracted from doing whatever it is that you originally planned, and you become overwhelmed in theirs. Whereas "The Con-Artist"creates an illusion in your mind that you will be safe, no matter what with them, that you will not face rejection, that their love is yours forever, and with them you will have a happy ending. However, it is simply that, an illusion, and when you realize that it is all false, you will crash and burn. Next, we have "The Pacifier", "The Smotherer" and "The Diffuser-Abuser".

The Pacifier:I also had my first interaction with the Pacifier in college. The Pacifier is the type of person who for whatever reason, leaves you unable to express yourself and conforms your needs and desires in a relationship to theirs. As such, you grow to resent the precedent that they have set with you, whether it be accidental or not, and even though you may love this person more than you could ever love someone....you will never be happy with them because they don't know the 'real' you. While Pacifier exist, the other position of this type is "The Pacifist" which means that you are the one that inadvertently suppresses your mate's feelings and desires. In my case, I was a cooking, cleaning, washing and folding fool. Then later, in another relationship, I was "The Pacifist" and I had this guy bending over backward to do what I wanted, and I didn't realize it. Being a serial pacifist or pacifier just means that you tend to dominate or be dominated in relationships.Lesson Learned: You have to take time to know what you are and what you want in a relationship and cannot let yourself be convinced of otherwise. However, you also have to learn to compromise with that person so that both of your needs are met. If it is not an equal balance of communication and honesty, the relationship will not thrive and your heart will wind up broken.

The Smotherer: The Smotherer is simply that...someone who smothers you, so that you become "The Smothered". Like "The Pacifier", you can lose what I call your "relationship identity" (not just the role you have, but the things you want and need within that relationship) to the other person. However, where the Smotherer and the Pacifier differ is that the Smotherer may not just conform to your needs in a relationship, but your life as well. A Smotherer will want you to spend your time with them, and may expect you to do so that you end up sacrificing relationships with other friends, and if you bring it up, it may cause friction between you. Conversely, if you are smothering someone, they will become somewhat distant and may begin to lie to you about their whereabouts and schedule just to get some solo time. I found myself pretending to take more classes than I actually did, just so that I knew from 9am to 1pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my Smothering boyfriend would not call me. I can happily admit, I've never been a Smotherer. Lesson Learned: Even if you feel the euphoria of a new relationship, do not feel the need to draw a calendar of your exact schedule. Even if you do, don't always feel compelled to answer the phone. Sometimes it is nice to just be unavailable.

Lastly...
The Diffuser-Abuser: This one is always hard to label because things always seem great in the beginning. It usually starts with the "Diffuser-Abuser" expressing some extreme emotion, whether its unsupported jealousy, rage, anger over something trivial or endless questioning. They eventually find things to argue about, and will begin to distrust you. No matter what you say or do, you cannot and will not convince them you are faithful to the relationship. The abuse you receive is not physical but emotional. However, because their mistrust comes from their own insecurities, it will be something that will inevitably break up the relationship. Sad fact, but true.Lesson Learned: No matter how much time or energy you spend reassuring the Diffuser-Abuser that you are faithful, (and with this type, you have to be, since they more than likely are a Smotherer also) they will not believe you. It is better to let them go find a similar type to harass and stay away. It will be hard because sex with Diffuser-Abusers tends to be some of the best, if not the best you have or ever will have in life.

Now granted, there are sub-divisions...those will be explained later.

Hope this helps you identify your mate,
A.

Paging Mr. Right Now

I haven't posted in a while because I've been busy, been tired and honestly, haven't had much to say. I'm enjoying my summer, I guess, but I'm realizing that I'm starting to take mu whole independence and re-emergence as an independant woman to another level. Women typically get called bitches and mean if they exhibit the persona of someone who wants to take things to another level, expects only the best and nothing less and desires perfection, which even though it doesn't exist, should always try to be attained.

With my high expectations in mind, I've tried to start dating. Dating is interesting, because it basically is just an exercise. The guy shares a part of himself, the most impressive part, with a girl who does the same. If they like what each other has to say, usually a second date follows, where more part-sharing happens, it's just that this time, the part they share tends to be a bit more like who they are, just not as impressive as the initial date. Personally, I hate it. I think it sucks. I go on dates, and I'm who I am. What you see is exactly what you're gonna get. That's why I don't get my hair 'did' for them, i don't try to wear anything not like me, I try to be as authentic to who I am as possible...even if that means there is no second date.

Lately, I've just been blah about the whole practice, but my mom and godmom are saying, that a girl my age should date, even if I find it horrible. Have fun, they say...enjoy life. Is it bad to say that I find more fun in reading Dostoevsky than sharing a meal with some random guy, who probably, in the final analysis, probably doesn't even know who that is? That I'd rather watch movies on Turner Classic than go to some overrated, overcrowded, overpriced nightclub? That I'd rather babysit my younger cousins than sitting around "hoping" a guy will call when he says he will...which rarely happens, unless you're in a relationship and even then...cross your fingers.

Dont' get it twisted, I'm not bitter. I do eventually want Mr. Right. However, I'd rather wait for him then try to satisfy myself with a Mr. Right Now. Mr. Right's around the corner, though, I can feel it. He won't message me with three words or less, either. LOL.

XoXo,
Ashley Robin