Been ghost..yet again. News is that I won't be in summer school because my school booted me outta my summer classes. So, i don't have to work like a dog to pay for them, but I've already gotten my loan check in the mail. It's gonna be a hard battle to not go and spend that shit, but I'm thinking I might invest a little of it, and see what happens. Never know, I could get my money back plus some.
I've decided to get another tattoo. I like my bird, but I've always wanted something relating to music, since I love it so much. In another life, I'll be a singer, I know it. I probably was Janis Joplin last time. (i do believe in reincarnation, btw, don't get it twisted) Anyway, I'm thinking of doing something with music, but something clever...I wish I could draw...i'd be a sketching fool right about now. I'm gonna get it done this summer, so when i do decide on it, it'll definitely be getting shown off...a lot.
I'm also going to go to NY at some point. I don't really care if I drive, fly, train it, whatever....I just am starting to feel like I need to go away. I need to get away from this city before I scream and get into a fight.
My ex boyfriend, Mr. Wonderful came by my house earlier tonight, wanting to talk, wanting me to know he wanted me back, saying he loved me and missed me and wanted a chance to do it all over again...and the sight of him was enough to have my heart all up in my throat. I felt like if I talked to him anymore, I'd be back with him, and for me and what I want for myself and my life, I'm not sure if that's good. We're standing out on my porch, talking and talking, and I start thinking about things, memories of things like being in his arms, the feeling of his lips on my forehead, what it felt like kissing him, rubbing his skin, braiding his hair and finally cutting it when he wanted it short again, the feeling of his hands in my hair when he washed it, the warmth of his breath on my feet when he painted my toes, the smell of his neck lulling me to sleep in his bed, and I realize that I'm starting to feel faint.
My heart feels so conflicted, never so much in that one moment about just going inside and not reuniting with him, or just crumbling into his arms the way I've seen in movies...and I look at him...and I start to cry. Mind you, I don't really cry. He's never seen me cry, so it shocks him and me at the same time. But it doesn't make the tears stop, they can't stop, for some reason...as if he's meant to see me this way and I'm meant to be. I just cry and cry and cry more. He stops talking, and just hugs me. And to be honest, a hug from him has never felt so good. I keep crying, but he's just there, not talking, hugging me and running his hands through my hair. I've never felt more loved, more safe and more...alive. And, honestly, I've never felt more confused.
I just don't know. He's left, and I'm here. With my thoughts. I'm confused. Sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. I think that's what made me cry, because no matter how much I love him....and how much he loves me....it just isn't enough.
Ashley Robin
P.S.- Today is Six-Six-Six....some say it's the devil's day. I think everyday has the potential to be devil's day, but just to be on the safe side, watch out for the crazies.
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