Haven't really blogged in a while, mainly because not much interesting has happened. Then today came, and sigh....I realized that I'm stuck in a moment and it seems to be lasting forever. Here's the status of things....in a nutshell, I'm bored and tired. Not bored in the sense that I'd do something silly for kicks, and not tired in the sense that I need sleep...just that my life is going in circles...kinda like that movie Groundhog Day, where you keep repeating yourself over and over and over....until you get so sick of things you look for ways to die and even then, you still wake up the next day unscathed physically.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, about my life, my mistakes, my future, where I see myself, and other than getting this degree and my grad degree, I don't really know what lies ahead. For once in my life, I have no plans...and it scares the crap out of me. I always pictured myself doing this by that age, this by that age, etc, etc....and now I have no idea where I'll live, what I'll be, who I'll be with, (if anyone) and if my future is as bright as some say. I guess I have to learn to just go with the flow of things, but I've always had a plan. me without one is kinda like jumping out a plane without a parachute...it makes NO sense. So, instead of setting up ideals that I see myself in or out of, I've come up with five goals.
1) Getting on good terms with as much of my family as possible. No matter what happens, you should have good ties with my family. I'm mainly thinking of my father, which may not be possible, but if I go to New York to see him, and it doesn't work, at least I'll have tried, which will be more than enough for me. It'll be enough to know I gave 100Àthat I took all the bull in stride and that I can truly be proud of my effort, enough that I don't have to regret any decisions I make in regards to him.
2) Finding some purpose. I've always wanted to spend more time giving back, and having to do community service with the Honors College will force me to do just that. I have the feeling that if I throw myself into something, whether it be kids, animals, the homeless, babies, I'll have a good time with it. I've already planned to let my hair grow long enough to where it can be donated to Locks of Love (14 inches, plus) over and over again until I get tired of it....and to donate blood as often as I can...but it's not enough. I can do more.
3) Making a plan to graduate and sticking to it. This one is the most reachable, since I've got a plan on grad school and time to get it done. I just don't want to be an undergrad at 25...so I guess I better hurry up.
4) Happiness. Finding some degree of it, whether it be a puppy, a boyfriend or just self-love, and never letting it go.
5) Fun...having more of it, more time to be silly, more time to enjoy things. This goes hand in hand with my plan to work hard, get more money in my life, and actually try to take time to enjoy the fruit of my labor.
Ash
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