So the Stress CONtinues

Hey Everyone,

I am bugging big time. Stressed the hell out. Between midterms, law school applications and writing this personal statement, I am a bit like Joe Stress pictured to the left. Not that bad yet, but I could get there...

The problem that I have with stress is that I have no proper outlet for it. I've tried everything but exercise, and that's happening soon. So, we'll see what happens.  My plan is to train for a marathon, so I'm running little by little, building up my endurance, and when I get some more money, I'm going to join a gym to start my strength/resistance  weight training.

Other than all the law school/midterms and other school related things, I'm dealing with stress of my friend Kevin and the death of his grandmother, my other friend Kelsey and her wedding next year that I'm the maid of honor in, and part of me is worried about a date. I know that it's a year away, and I know that I have all this stuff going on around me, and I'm stressing about a date. I know that it is weird and trivial, I know, but I don't want to be THAT girl. You know the one, the girl who comes to weddings alone. The girl who sits in the back of the room sipping on a martini watching as everyone else dances and drinks and mingles. That girl isn't going to be me. Not that having a date is the cure to that, I can be a guest without a "+1" and be perfectly content...but in the year from now and the day of the wedding, I guess I'll just have to accept my single-ness. Or single-dom. Who knows?

Does it make you sad that you're single? Does it automatically mean that you are desperate for love and attention? I'm not particularly sad, or desperate, but I do wish I had a person that I could call to take me to one event or escort me to another. I don't. It also doesn't help that many of my friends are engaged, and getting married. 7 couples in 3 weeks. Craziness. I am not saying that I want or need to be married or engaged to feel happy, because no one knows what goes on with those 7 couples behind closed doors, but I guess I'm just one of those people who likes having a guy on speed-dial. A guy that's not Kevin, because he just doesn't count.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Colin Says "Yes I Can" (Vote For Barack Obama)

Hey,

So I'm guessing that I was the only person not surprised that Gen. Colin Powell would be endorsing Senator Barack Obama. Why was I not surprised? Well, Mr. Powell has always been a man of sound judgement and reasoning. (Well, except on that whole IRAQ thing...)

But anyway, anyone with proper judgement and reasoning would see through all the crap that McCain is trying to dish out and realize that Obama is by far the better statesman. It's the same reason why the polls are turning against the self-proclaimed "underdog". (And by the way, no one LIKES being the underdog..that's like saying you like losing.) I don't know about you, but I never liked losing anything and I still don't. 

Everyone is shocked because Powell is Mr. Black Conservative..and represents the base of people who are staunch Republicans and McCain supporters. So, some are in a bit of a tizzy about it, and I'm sure Powell will be getting some weird glances at the country club. But hey, at least he's gotten some cool points with all the black folks who claimed he just wasn't "black enough". Personally, I don't think he's losing any sleep over his choice to tell Tom Brokaw he was saying "Yes We Can" on November 4th. Besides, it's not like he's going cross-country with Obama, holding hands with Hillary and drinking PBR with 'old regular' Joe Biden laughing at Sarah Palin. He has not turned in his Republican stripes of honor. Not yet, but just maybe.. we can hope he'll see the Democratic light. :-)

Speaking of Palin, was it just me or did that whole Saturday Night Live appearance just seem really flat? The only time I got interested was hoping she'd mess up the entire thing. I mean, I was on the edge of my chair, white-knuckled and rooting for crash and burn. Instead, I got this lackluster 'thing', where in the one moment she had to truly shine, make light of herself and her geriatric experienced running mate and be extraordinarily funny as a result, she passed it off to poor, pregnant and wobbling comedianne Amy Poehler. Watch, if you haven't seen it yet here. Personally, I'd have been laughing my a** off if she just went on and did the rap herself, and she probably would have gotten some votes respect from young people because of it. We all know it's in jest, and in good fun...but I guess after talking to Gramps John McCain, she opted against it. Shows who's wearing the pants in that relationship!! LOL!

Instead she played the straight guy to all the jokes and was called a thoughtless little pig horrible woman by Alec "I take out my drama with my ex-wife on my kid named after a country in turmoil" Baldwin. The best comeback she has is that his brother Stephen, an nut laughingstock idiot actor in his own right, was her favorite Baldwin. I'm sure Alec cried on his pillow all night long for that one. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg didn't even acknowledge her standing there! No, "Hey Tina" or "Hey lady, say hi to your mother for me." NOTHING. Even Lorne Michaels barely looked at her. Funny times. It'd have been the same show had she not been there, mainly because she was too much of a coward uncertain to rap a little. She sure was nodding in agreement to the rap, so she should have just done it. My advice, JUST DO IT! Barack would have...maybe. But then again, he wouldn't have had to. He's got flow and can dunk. 

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Is It Just Me Or...?

Hey,

Is it just me or is McCain whining during this debate? I'm blogging as the debate is going, mainly because my best friend Kevin called me and was sobbing on the phone. I was so worried about him that I paused the debate (yes, I have TiVo) and talked to him. I thought something terrible had happened, it turned out he was making fun of John McCain. Kudos to Barack for standing up to him and his "wahh wahh" and "John Lewis said this..." and basically saying that they'd never agree, so just to move on from it. 

Back to the debate...I'll be blogging about today's MisAdventure shortly..

*Ashley Robin*

New Business

Hey,

So I've been busy getting my law school application research process on and I have not had enough time to post. In the research process, I was able to obtain materials from at least 50-60 different law schools all across the country. However, my fabulous best friend (also known as Mom) is helping me sort through all of them. With her help, I'm building a list of those to apply, and now have to start work on the ever-influential personal statement. If you've ever written one, please help! I need some kind of formula to do it and there seems to be none. 

But thanks to a friend, I've been able to create an online store, check it out here,  so people can buy the musings that I've always wanted on tee shirts. The store will grow, and hopefully the money will grow. Most of it is going toward the trip to Europe. So if you want to support me, but want to feel as if you've not just given away something for nothing...buy a shirt or mousepad or hat. Keep checking it, because it will grow as I get better and quicker able to create shirt worthy slogans. The "InSane McCain" ones seem to be the most popular. My favorite is the green one. I'm getting one to put on my pillow.

Anyway, the ex Mr. Wonderful read the entire blog. In one day. He literally sat down and read the entire thing. I'm still tripping on it. He said that he was glad that I didn't write him up to be a complete asshole, and that it made him realize how much I loved him. He liked it, and some of the blogs that weren't about him, he thought were. Just goes to show you that some guys are still somewhat self-centered. Anyway, he's gotten a login here, so he can comment and even write posts. He said he's gonna write one, but we'll see. And he does love the nickname, Mr. Wonderful. 

My other ex boyfriend is tripping. Big time. But that's an entry for later this week. 

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Mourning an Unexpected Loss

Hey,

Well...all losses are unexpected, and all losses are hard. I've lost a lot of people in my life, whether it have been my first love, my childhood friend, my biological mom, a good friend from college that I'd fallen out of touch with, a surrogate grandmother, and those are just the folks that died. Sometimes we lose people without them actually dying, just by simply losing touch. In the world of cell phones and email, it's hard to lose track of people as we move and migrate through our lives. 

Today, though, I found out that my best friend Kevin, the same one who is dealing with his own mortality via a battle with pancreatic cancer, has lost his grandmother. The ordinary relationship that a typical boy has with his grandmother is (based on my experience) full of something I call "living disdain". In that you love the person, but aren't exactly thrilled to be spending time with them, mainly because they are either unhip, boring or just not a person you'd choose to be around of your own free will. 

Kevin and his grandmother, Grandma Eve (Evelyn), were always joined at the hip. Even as a little boy, he'd always talk about how cool she was, and how he always felt like he really was her son instead of his mom's. He looked forward to spending time with her every summer in California, and when he couldn't make it to her, she came to him. She even adopted me by being my grandmother, bringing me sushi lunches in high school, buying me purses and shoes, and kissing me just as much as she kissed Kevin, if not more so. When I was with the two of them, I never felt like I was the odd man out. She had the biggest laugh, always giggling with me and Kevin about something, and taking us both out to late-night movies and ice cream sundaes, even when we got older and no longer thought of those outings as the highlight of our week. 

As Kevin grew up, she was there for him, from his highest moments to his less flattering and lowest moments, and she never once judged him or said a harsh word against him. When we were sitting in the hospital waiting to hear what the situation was when Kevin got shot in the stomach for messing with some gang dude's girlfriend, she just said, "It's Kevin. He does sh** like that." (He turned out to be very lucky and the bullet hit no vital organs, just cost him a three-day hospital stay and a week and a half of bed rest after that. Later that day, when I saw him first in his room, he told me he was scared of seeing his grandmother's 'mean face'. When he needed money to go to college, she sold her house and moved into a nice condo, putting the difference into an account in Kevin's name, which he used to pay for his education. When Kevin got sick, she was there for him even more than his own mother was, stepping into the role of guardian on more than one occasion, and talking with the doctors about his treatment. She offered her home to him, and he accepted, knowing that he'd be taken care of, and not babied, and that his grandmother would have his back, 100 percent of the time. She'd often refer to him as her baby, and me as her adopted granddaughter. Later, she'd call me her granddaughter, and drop the word "adopted". 

Today, I found out that she has passed away. She wanted to not outlive her eldest grandson, and in a twisted way, she got her wish. We don't know exactly what happened, but it appears that she succumbed to a household accident. I don't want to go into specifics, but it was not something that could be attributed to suicide. Kevin's father, Eve's ex-son-in-law, found her while Kevin was at our friend's house 2 hours away. He was the one to tell him of her death, and I am thankful that he was there to be a boulder of support for him. It is a sad day indeed.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

PS: My ex-boyfriend, Mr. Wonderful, found out about the blog and has told me of his intent to read it from beginning to end. I'm not quite sure how to feel about it, since the beginning of it, and a good portion since, has a lot to do with him and is about him. 

Living The Pollo-Pescetarianistic Life

Hey,

So I've always been a finicky eater. I don't like to eat too much red meat because it makes my heart race, my tummy hurt and my head aches as a result. A while ago, I decided to eat fish, chicken and my veggies. In talking to a good friend of mine, who is a strict vegetarian, she told me I was a pollo-pescetarian. When I googled it, I found out a pescetarian is someone who is essentially a vegetarian, but who eats some fish. A pollotarian is someone who is a vegetarian but eats chicken. So I'm a pollo-pescetarian. Interesting things you learn when hanging with the vegetarian crowd.

As far as the marriage post, I've decided to cut things off with the married guy. I don't want to be accused of leading him on, or become some target by someone. It's not worth it. There are enough single guys in the world to keep me interested. Besides, I'm convinced I won't be meeting my Barack until I'm in law school. Until then, I'll indulge in my chicken, fish and veggies and work towards being a better me.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

The Sanctity of Marriage

Hey,

So today's MisAdventure is about marriage. Better yet, the idea of purpose of it. Is it outdated, not needed or required in this age of technology?

A while ago, I was working as a waitress at a popular Hyde Park (Chicago neighborhood that is home to the University of Chicago) bar/hangout. In this bar, I was flirted with all the time. Old men, young men, married men, single men, even women. I admit that I used my feminine wiles to get more tips. You'd be surprised how much of a difference makeup makes when you're pushing sex burgers. A full face of makeup, along with a bare midriff would get me at least $120-$150 a night, where as the makeup without the bare belly would get me around $100. I never did rock anything short or low-cut, but girls that did made way more than that $150. 

Some of the guys who came in were cute. Others were rich. Others were a bit of both and ugly. But most were enslaved married. Can you tell already that I've got a negative view on marriage? Most of the married men just admired my "taut body", "ample curves", etc. (The words in quotes were things I was told...seriously). One day in particular, a Sunday, I was waiting on a big group of male motorcycle enthusiasts. They were just a group of guys who ride around on their bikes together, as well as have fun on the weekends. Now, I'm a single girl. I am now, and I was then, so if I saw a guy who seemed nice enough, had a decent head on his shoulders and made me laugh, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and talk with him. If he said things I liked, I'd give him my phone number. No harm in that.

One guy in particular was really attractive. He and I formed a relationship due to my interest in bikes, and when he took me to this place in the burbs to look at them, he tried to sneak a kiss on me. We ended up hanging out a lot over the course of a few months, and I found myself really liking my company. He was funny, kind, considerate and as I found out later, married. I felt lied to, betrayed and used, but I knew the situation could be much worse. Even despite all that, he still wanted to see me. 

I talked to my mom about it, since she'd met him (meeting my mom is not the big deal it can be with people) and started to ask me about how he was doing. When I confessed to being involved with a married man, my mom asked me how I found out he was married. That, in itself, was a story.

Basically, we went out to go to the zoo and then get a sundae one afternoon, and I'd brought my four year old cousin with me. He had her in his arms, and we all were having a great time. And my little cousin doesn't like anyone she doesn't know touching her. So, when he picked her up and she was okay with it, I started thinking, "Could I really date this guy?". When I asked him about his ability to connect with kids, he said it was because he'd had a kid of his own. This was no news to me, because I knew he had kids, but after I asked the question, he got quiet. The vibe of the entire outing changed. After he dropped me off, he and I didn't speak for a few days. When we did speak, we had a conversation that went a little something like this:

Him: So there's something I need to talk to you about.

Me: What's up [name], you can talk to me about whatever. 

Him: Well, let me just say that I really like you, and I'm enjoying myself with you. I see a future for us.

Me: A future? Isn't it a bit early to have the whole 'possibility of a relationship conversation"?

Him: Well, yes...but this isn't that conversation.

Me: What conversation is this one, then?

Him: This is the conversation where I drop a bomb on you, and hopefully you understand, forgive me and we move on.

Me: Okay, so what is this bomb? (Preparing myself to faint, scream, yell, or kill, depending on the bomb)

Him: When I told you before that I had kids, I should have told you I had something else.

Me: Something else...do you mean like an STD?

Him: No, I have a wife. I'm married.

Me: *DEAD*

So this situation has made me skeptical of marriage. The idea, the dream, the preciousness (if that's a word), and the importance of it. I hate to say it, but I still talk to the guy. No, not in a dating fashion or even a sexual fashion, but we do talk every now and then. Does it make me the bad guy because I briefly dated a married man? True, I didn't know it, but then again, I wasn't paying attention. Ignorance is no excuse, I know. But it made me laugh at the idea of marriage. Before this experience, I wanted to get married, pop out some kids and honor and love my husband all the day of my life. Before, I was looking forward to getting married, having a future and living my life with someone as a young person and then sit on the porch of our home and grow old with them, surrounded by our children and grandchildren. Now, I'm simply afraid that I'd end up like [name]'s wife, and wind up with a husband who has feelings for another woman. 

You could argue that he was just lying about having feelings because he wanted to get into my pants. But, since that never happened, and most of the time we ended up just having really in-depth conversations about things, you'd be hard pressed to feel that the relationship was sexually based. I've always felt that creating a mental connection with someone is a deeper violation than any physical thing, because it takes more brain power and genuine interest to connect with someone emotionally and mentally than it does physically. So, in theory, if my husband were bonding with another woman on the mental level, I would be more upset than if he slept with her, because the mental connection means there is a mutual interest in making a connection deeper than the simple "bang".

Why do I feel that way based on that experience? Well, here is a man, a seemingly great guy, who is a father, employed, and yet, he's desiring another woman. So much that he would deny his marriage, and then when he started to grow feelings (which he did), the guilt got to him and he admitted his true relationship status. No, I never "closed the deal" with the guy, but I could have. I don't know what I would have done if I had, or how I'd have felt. And realistically, I'm single (and I thought he was too), so it is realistic to think that it could have happened.