So Long, Mr. Wonderful (Falling Out Part III: The Conclusion)

Hey,

First, I say Happy Holidays grudingly, simply because I am no fan of the holidays at all. While I do wish that everyone enjoys their Christmas, New Years, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, etc., I don't particularly like the holidays. Probably won't until I've either gotten over my own issues with the holidays or have children that force me to be into it. Even then, part of me hopes that I can just drop them off with either my mother or the family of their father so I can be left in peace. Long story short, bad things seem to happen around the holidays....to me, to my family, to those I care about....so I'm biased. I treat this Thursday just like any other, well...not any other, because I'd probably be able to go get a decent drink but can't because the bars are closed. I really need one, and the drink I made isn't doing much to stop me from feeling like absolute sh**.

Why do I feel like sh** and need a drink, you ask?

So, I probably had the worst conversation that I've had in my entire life. I told my ex-boyfriend in the most direct and straightforward way possible, feelings being damned, that there was no way possible that we'd end up together. He came by my house to drop off a Christmas gift for my mother last night, and I asked him if we could talk. I'd been dreading this conversation for awhile, and as soon as I realized that it HAD to happen, I was loathing the fact that the cycle would be ended, and by me. Part of me waited for him to tell me that he'd fallen for someone else, that the picture of the two of us in a loving embrace on his nightstand had been replaced by one just as intimate with someone else...anything that did not make me the villian in this conversation. I remember it more vividly than I probably should, him standing in front of me slightly slouching down so I didn't feel quite so small, his eyes fixated on me in a lovingly manner but then looking away just as soon as he felt my eyes on him. It was weird seeing him like that, for the first time vulnerable, unassuming and not confident. He looked as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders and it was up to me to release him from the burden.

I spoke, softly and calmly. "Look, you and I both know that we go through this cycle with each other. We can't decide whether we love each other or hate each other. It ends up with one of us hurt, one jealous or angry and both of us confused." He swallowed as he looked at the ground and shifted his weight, silently agreeing with my statement. I looked at him, and without his permission, continued. "We've been going through this cycle for years, and I'm just tired. I can't keep doing this with you anymore. I can't keep putting myself out there, waiting for you to figure out what it is you want, only for you to hurt me somehow. It's not healthy and I don't have the strength to keep doing it. And I don't want to." I paused, only because he looked me directly in my face, and it shocked me.

He looked at me, and his eyes were heavy. I'd never noticed that his attitude was patient, something that I'd least expect from him, given from the situation. He cleared his throat as if he was going to speak, but hesitated. I looked at him, and he slid to the ground, almost as if his knees buckled from under him. Instinctively, I went to reach out to him, to comfort him, to touch his face and try to undo the hurt I'd just caused him. But, I realized in an instant that I'd never be free of this cycle so, I just folded my hands and looked at him. If he'd looked up at me in that moment, he'd have had me under his spell...but he didn't. Instead, he spoke two words as if they were the last words I'd ever hear him say, and when he spoke, his voice was strangely unfamiliar because it was wavering and soft, as if he were about to cry. "You're right."

I looked at him, and realized that he was sad. Not just sad, but devastated because he knew the true meaning of my words. He looked up at me and tried to find some level on which to connect with me, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He said, "I know that I hurt you, and I'm sorry. I believe that you deserve better than me. I've just allowed my jealousy and insecurity and doubt of us ruin any potential of something real. And I'm sorry. I'll never forgive myself, even if you do." I slid down on the ground next to him, and in the barely lit living room, my hands found his face. I spoke, being sure to not sound like I was yielding in my stance, and the words formed even before I knew I felt that way. "I already have. But we both deserve not to be in so much pain. Love shouldn't be painful, it should be effortless." He looked at me, finding my eyes this time. "So what we had wasn't love? Is that what you're saying?" I curled my legs under me, watching my lower half move, and I said, "No, what we had was love. It just wasn't the kind of love that could be forever. I want my forever." He kissed my forehead and hugged me close to him. "And I want you to be happy."

Losing myself for a moment in the warm, robust smell of his collar that had been my drug for so long, almost too long, I realized that I do want to be happy. But in that same moment I wondered that if my happiness only lies with him...if all my love would forever belong to him. If my life was simply meant to be an extension of his. I thought back on all the memories I had with him, all the time, counseling, all the time I'd believed that this man, whom I was consoling, was the love of my life. I saw everything, him placing a ring on that all-important finger, us running down a hill hand in hand after our wedding, me looking at him for support as I gave birth to our child, watching him sing that baby a lullaby, laughing at private jokes that we shared, growing old. I even saw the sadness in his eyes as I sighed my final breath, the tears coming from him naturally, and then the tears of our children as he passed on to join me in the afterlife. I saw it all, as he embraced me, and it seemed so intoxicating. But it was not real, it was my idealized vision of how I saw life with him, and it was not true. So, we sat there for a while, quiet and not-moving, and it went without saying that I'd been the stronger of the two of us, even though I'd never known it. It also went without saying that I'd officially let him go.

The rest of the conversation was pretty intense. And pretty personal...so I hope you won't mind if I don't share it. But let's just say that after some discussion, the chapter of Mr. Wonderful is closed. Maybe someday we will be friends, but for now, it's closed.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Falling Out (part II)

Hey,

So to continue my previous post, there are many reasons why I cannot let Mr. Wonderful out of my life.

Our relationship was tumultuous, to say the least. It was full of extremes, extreme love, anger, pain, detest, passion, arguments, making up and complacency. But if it is nothing, it is familiar, and I love that about it. I love the moments where I don't have to think with him, and the fact that no matter what the emotion that he and I are experiencing, I can always go to him and curl up in his arms and stay there for as long as I want. He's never, ever pushed me away. That's not the way he is, though, but that's how he is with me, and despite all the potential drama, I don't want to let that walk away out of my life, because overall, there is history there and at the end of the day, I value his friendship, respect his opinion and always will look for his encouragement.

Another thing about our relationship is that although it's full of extremes, it reminds me of the relationship that my parents had. Volatile to the extreme, they fought like dogs. Some days they were fighting, even to the point of physical blows...but then, hours or up to a day later they'd be laughing together or all over each other. It was kind of gross because it was my parents, but at the same time, interesting. When I found my ideal mate, I promised myself that I'd have some of that passion in my relationship with them. With Mr. Wonderful, I found out that extreme existed and it was with him. It was easy to fall back into the cycle, and now more than ever, I find myself standing on a precipice, not sure how to behave because being without him is unfamiliar.

We often go weeks without talking to each other. It's normal, and usually means that one or both of us is pursuing something with someone else. After seeing him out Christmas shopping around the end of November with a girl who obviously was into him on that level, I decided to move on. Seeing him with her didn't upset me as much as I thought it would, and it snapped me out of my whole "waiting for him" stage. So, I decided to go on a date. And it was nice. More than nice, it was drama-free. So, I found myself feeling things that were relatively foreign to me, and while I enjoyed those feelings, I found myself feeling strange because they weren't feelings for Mr. Wonderful. I found myself wanting to explore them, but also wanting to dissect them. I decided to ignore my head and just go with the flow. 

It is difficult when you have loved someone for so long and then you realize that they have either forgotten you or moved on. It is agonizing to admit your love for them in the first place, and just as agonizing to not know what they are thinking when you do admit it. In my case, I've loved three people in my life, one died when I was young, the second loved someone else more and Mr. Wonderful was the third. My love for him probably was the deepest, because he helped me get over a lot of different things. So, when I was faced with the decision of having to let him go so I could move on, I choked.

It goes on even more....

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin

Falling Out (part I)

Hey,

So the current MisAdventure seems to be the cycle that I've managed to fall into with my ex-boyfriend. The one that I'm always mooning over, the one that one of my best friends, Kelsey, is convinced that I will marry... Mr. Wonderful. 

He and I, we seem to live in this cycle where we love each other, get bored with each other, do things to hurt each other, fall out of love with each other, make up, become friends with each other and then fall in love all over again. It seems, in order for us to complete an entire cycle takes anywhere from 6-10 months. We've done it maybe 3 times. The cycle has existed through other relationships, through dating other people, through our own decisions to stay away from each other and through our own emotional issues. 

Essentially, I'm not strong enough to be hurt over and over...and he's not able enough to recognize that he hurts me. In my effort to rebel against him hurting me, I do things to hurt him and end up feeling guilty about them, but what I don't realize is that my behavior does hurt him and only makes him less likely to change. It's an emotionally draining thing to be involved in, and if I was able to realize it was happening in real time, I'd stop and talk to him about it...but even when I've had the inkling to, I can't.

The thing is, I love him. Even thinking about him now, I smile. But then, the smile gets lost somewhere in the memory of all the drama, late night arguing, tears, pain and feelings of loneliness....but even with all that, I can't imagine my life without him. He's become a part of me, and the longer this goes on I begin to realize that I have a decision on my shoulders. Either I deal with the issues that I have with him head-on, if that means relationship counseling, if that means being uncharacteristically honest with him about how I really feel....or, (and I shudder at the very thought of it) I let him go. I end the cycle right now, in this moment, and I learn to live my life without him. I don't really know how to do that, but I imagine it would be the same as any other loss, moving on and simply taking things one day at a time...one step at a time.

I had my epiphany about this whole situation today, as I was driving around getting some errands done. A song came on my radio via my iPod nano, called "Falling Out" by Keyshia Cole. It pretty much explains how I feel when I'm in the "doing things to hurt him/falling out of love" stage...all the pain, the sorrow, the abandonment, and the loneliness that I feel...it's summed up with her words. In the end of the song, she lets him go...I just hesitate on making that same decision...

I'll talk about my hesitations when I post tomorrow...

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

New Business

Hey,

So I've been busy getting my law school application research process on and I have not had enough time to post. In the research process, I was able to obtain materials from at least 50-60 different law schools all across the country. However, my fabulous best friend (also known as Mom) is helping me sort through all of them. With her help, I'm building a list of those to apply, and now have to start work on the ever-influential personal statement. If you've ever written one, please help! I need some kind of formula to do it and there seems to be none. 

But thanks to a friend, I've been able to create an online store, check it out here,  so people can buy the musings that I've always wanted on tee shirts. The store will grow, and hopefully the money will grow. Most of it is going toward the trip to Europe. So if you want to support me, but want to feel as if you've not just given away something for nothing...buy a shirt or mousepad or hat. Keep checking it, because it will grow as I get better and quicker able to create shirt worthy slogans. The "InSane McCain" ones seem to be the most popular. My favorite is the green one. I'm getting one to put on my pillow.

Anyway, the ex Mr. Wonderful read the entire blog. In one day. He literally sat down and read the entire thing. I'm still tripping on it. He said that he was glad that I didn't write him up to be a complete asshole, and that it made him realize how much I loved him. He liked it, and some of the blogs that weren't about him, he thought were. Just goes to show you that some guys are still somewhat self-centered. Anyway, he's gotten a login here, so he can comment and even write posts. He said he's gonna write one, but we'll see. And he does love the nickname, Mr. Wonderful. 

My other ex boyfriend is tripping. Big time. But that's an entry for later this week. 

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*