So it's the holidays and I'm kinda missing my ex-boyfriend. Not because of the need to have someone there to look at across the table, to have that person around to deal with crazy relatives, but just because he was an awesome kind of guy.
I look back on the times of my life when I was attached, and while I enjoyed it, for the most part, I felt that I had to work at the relationship. I would get bored so easily, and either get sick of the person OR they'd get sick of me. Either way, my track record with the male gender sucks. I always manage to feel like crap about it, simply for one reason..and that reason is:
I SEE UGLY WOMEN WITH BOYFRIENDS.
(now my mom said that I shouldn't assume they are great boyfriends or that I'd even want these guys, but I say screw that...if the 400lb lady on the bus can find a tenderoni love, why can't I? I'm a size six, with curves, a NY accent, a penchant for books and thrillseeking and a love for lemonade. I also read books really well, can cook my ass off and I don't eat pork. Who wouldn't want to date me?)
There, I said it. Yeah, yeah, I know it's wrong to see people as ugly and whatnot, but damn! I see physically and emotionally ugly women with boyfriends. I usually think to myself, "Well, if her ugly ass can get a dude, I KNOW there is one out there for me." But then I never find him. I hold out for a particular type, a guy who is smart, funny, kind, strong, ambitious, somewhat nerdy and somewhat good-looking. There are other things I'm looking for, but I don't want to get too specific. Bottom line, that guy is not the guy I end up dating. The guys I end up dating, for the best and worst case of the word, are assholes. Some are good assholes and some are bad, but yeah, these guys are good-looking, arrogant assholes. It's something about a confident guy that just does it for me. I don't know why.
So I end up dating a guy who is the opposite of what I want in some ways, and wouldn't you know it...I end up super unhappy and end up breaking up with them maybe a few months into the situation. It's obvious what the problem is...I either don't know what I'm looking for OR I am intentionally punishing myself by pushing away potential guys that fit my criteria. Either way, my love life is pretty shot. So, unlike the people out here who say to just keep looking, or don't look at all...I'm done. Why? Because the idea of dating just disgusts me.
The ritual of dating or courting began centuries ago when rich people wanted to marry other rich people, and met in settings prearranged by other rich people. In these settings, the future couple would never be allowed to be alone, and would fall in love with one another via letter, not email. Sometimes these couples would not even HOLD HANDS until their wedding day. And while many may balk at the idea of not getting some s-e-x (or at the least, a smooch), marriages in those days rarely ended in divorce. Yeah, you could say that they just stuck it out to stick it out, but they knew (unlike now) that marriage as well as divorce was not something taken lightly.
Modern conventions of dating are much different. People tend to look for opportunities to be alone, letter writing is d-e-a-d on arrival, unless you count texting. LOL, what a riot. Anyway, it's a game of storytelling. You tell a person the story of your life, they tell you theirs and if they don't sound too crazy, self-absorbed or just don't click with you, they move onto the next level. Then, if they keep it up, eventually physical interactions get involved. Then, it gets dicey because love comes into the mix, either too much love or not enough love, and you either break up, fall in love or fall into a pattern of routine.
Honestly, I want to be wooed. I don't need the settings of centuries ago, but a line better than "Hey, baby, what yo name is?" would work. Until I meet someone who I think I can deliver on what I want, I'm removing myself from the dating scene. I'm just gonna...sit on the sidelines and watch the ugly women with their boyfriends and continue to be confused.
Thoughts?
*Ashley Robin*
9 comments:
You are two-for-two, Ashley!
This post shows how I am just like you (in an opposite way).
See, I can't find a decent, educated girl who finds ME attractive. I don't care about how the girl looks to me. It's about how I look to the girl.
Most girls think I look ok, but nothing to go crazy over. And I don't blame them. But I have taken steps to overcome this by grooming myself a little better. In a few months time, you will see the new me and go "Wow". But until then, I'm going to be a little shy- like I've always been.
I believe those ugly women have boyfriends because they are probably focused on attracting their men with their minds, their hearts, their dedication and maybe they try to focus on strengthening their connection.
That is what lasts, not being a cute size 2 or knowing how to cook.
When you described yourself, you did not mention who you were on the inside. I'm sure you are a beautiful person on the inside, I'm sure you don't need any of the physical and material things you mentioned, to attract and keep a man happy. Focusing on those things will attract the creeps and the assholes, focusing on your spirit, your personality, your integrity and your cause, will attract the longevity and happiness you crave.
Yeah Zack, we're opposite sides of the same coin! I'm sure of it.
I didn't write down who i was on the inside, simply because i figure that my blog is a statement of my insides. i'm not shallow or silly enough to think that just cooking and looking cute in a size 6 is enough to attract a guy. It's more than that, but know that the line about ugly women was supposed to not be taken literally. i have no problem with less attractive women having boyfriends, get it how you live, i just was using that as a reason to ask since they have one, there's hope for me too.
Thanks for the comments
:-)
You were rather respectful to Raquel, Ashley. Maybe you can teach me some pointers because I can get rather emotional in my comment box. :)
yeah, zack you definitely can,
I'm too scared to go on your blog, LOL.
The line about the ugly women is true, LOL. I've seen it myself, but I think when you aren't the most attractive, you tend to be really strong in other areas that are non-physical, (i'm not saying this is true for everyone)
I hope I didn't offend you, I don't go on just anyones blog, I like your blog. And from reading your blog, I don't know why you're single either, LOL. Maybe the world needs a little extra time to complete the man that is to be given to you.
zack- the key is just to write whatever you're feeling...exactly as it is, leave it and then look at it later and edit out the rawness of the feelings and try to focus on the content of what you are trying to say. your bark is far worse than your bite, honey.
raquel- i wasn't offended...i saw where you were coming from, i just am not one to constantly repeat myself...and the fact that i forget and often write as if i'm the only one who reads this blog...i don't always feel to state the obvious about myself or my insides. I was just comparing my gorgeousness to the ugliness....that's really what i meant...
i hope that you continue reading and commenting, if not to remind me that my words are read by others..
Seemed the same to me when I was dating as well, but the more I tried to actually find my love the more and more I kept running into losers. But I kid you not a couple months after I said f*** guys all together and just decided I would be happy with me and my little yorkie puppy I found the love my life. Hang in there Ashley!!! You'll find that one!
This was very well written - although I do not agree with all of your points.
1: It's not all about looks.
2: NY accent
Let me analyze this right here. The NY accent and mannerisms are going to intimidate a lot of dudes. New Yawkahs have a reputation for being a tad gruff. Especially out here in Chicago - 1,000 miles away from the Big Apple (a lot of Chicagoans have not been to NYC), the men that step to you must have their swag at 10.
These are going to be the 'assholes' that you describe.
Go out one night and tell these fools your name is 'Ashley Mae,' Southern Belle from Warner-Robins, GA and let me know what types of looks you get.
Yes, I know that I am random.
Ms. Ashley:
I have lived on the East Coast (DC-MD-PA), in the South (UNC), and in the Midwest (CHI). And if you have read any of my blog before - you already know that I cover all ranges of subjects and know of what I speak.
1: Chicago is a deceptive, tough town to crack for East Coast people.
2: Those all-around, smart, ambitious, strong, decent-looking brothers that you mention may very well be intimidated, simply shy away from your presence, or just be there waiting to be approached.
Obviously, I don't know what it is to be a woman - but as a decent, intellectual brother I must convey to you the implicit challenge.
The type of man that you seek has been fighting for every inch, every penny that he has ever gotten every second of his life. He has had to maintain as a Black male intellectual, fully embracing a society that often sees him as a menace.
He has had to cut across the Grain every day to avoid being snared and clawed back into the barrel by a large contingent of his own people.
He does not want to come home from a perpetual war, only to confront another battle.
Now.
I do not know anything about you, really. But I do think that individuals group and type cast each other as a means of getting through life without shutting down and analyzing every little nugget of information.
You may be a very sweet girl that intimidates potential suitors by your NY vibe and qualifications.
Do not give up. A real man will step up for you in due time - and when that time comes, I am hopeful that you will keep these notes in mind...
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