I wish I could really say a lot's been happening, but other than school, life's been kinda blah . I'm enjoying my life, though...enjoying being able to take this time (since school's not that particularly challenging ) to find my center and enjoy my time as a bum. LOL. I've got a job interview working retail later on today, and I'm hoping I get it, so my time can be filled with something more than studies....not that I'm not grateful, but the last time I was in school, I was studying and working and maintaining a relationship. 2 out of 3 ain't bad....for now.
Men, men, men. I kinda bit off more than I could chew with my ex, the former Mr. Wonderful. We talked on the phone last night, and he said that he misses me. I asked him if he missed me or the idea of me, the experiences we shared together, or just the relationship. He says he misses my laugh. When he said that, I actually laughed. It's weird...this whole love-like-care about pyramid, this cycle that I go through with him...from liking him to hating him to wanting to spend a month curled in his arms....and the drama he's capable of putting on me..it's done nothing but stress me out! I'm conflicted in that I want to see a future with him, but I know there isn't one. My entire body, heart, soul and mind say not to go there....but there's a sliver of my heart that just...is hesitant. I wish the decision would be unanimous.
My mom says I need to stop worrying about him, and go out more. So, I decided to do just that. There's a cute guy who goes to my school...well, he's not really cute, he's amazingly sexy, like how my ex is. Anyway, we've been friends for a while, hanging out with our respective social circles and whatnot. I kinda like his style, but not the point where I'm SPRUNG...lol. Anyway, before I could even entertain the idea of possibly going that route with him, I find out that he's in a relationship. Been that way for a while too...and he's unhappy in it. Well, I'm no homewrecker, so I decided to leave it alone. However, HE started pursuing me....calling me, trying to get close to me, etc...and of course, I'm open to that. Well., I guess it'd be like this pattern...I'd be with him, (forgetting about the fact that he has a girl) and then be reminded and then feel like an evil slut or something, despite the fact I hadn't even gotten that deep into something with him. So, I've decided to leave that alone before I get hurt or even grow attached to him.
Then, there's my so-called fiancee. He's cool, but it's complicated. I wonder if I was in the same city as him if I'd be with him..and I know I might be. I didn't really know him when I was in DC, but we got closer after I left. Part of me doesn't really know him on the level to really, really, really care about...but something about him is so....honest. He's sort of all-American kind of cute, dimples, all that. He wants a nice career, and is going to get it, he's smart, intelligent, a little nerdy but not really nerdy and definitely a good time. We're not together because of the distance thing, but I recently found out he's talking to a bunch of girls, none of which are his girlfriend...(he says he's only giving that title to me) but I'm not exactly sure if that's what I want with him. He says he wants to marry me someday, which is why he asked to be engaged to be engaged, but....I have my doubts.
Then there's me. Of course I'm not a man, but sometimes I ruin my own happiness. I had a perfectly good relationship in DC, and I destroyed it. I don't really think I was ready for it at the time...and it seemed to be way to serious. Mind you, I was in my partying stage when that relationship happened. Add that to the fact that the guy was probably the most controlling and obsessive person I've ever met...not wanting me to go out with my girls, wanting to spend time with me 24/7 except when I was in class and at work, all that obsessive stuff. (And he was like that before I destroyed things by just totally rebelling against him and his ways...lol) After I started doing whatever the hell I wanted, then he got worse. But, it could have been avoided if I'd been upfront instead of pushing him away. Ironically, even though I'm talking as though I want to be with that guy, I really am glad I'm not. Elated, actually.
I think I'm gonna go join a convent..
Kisses ,
A.R.
P.S.- I have this damn toothache that will not stop. Feels like someone's got my gums and tooh in a vice. Sigh...if there's one thing I hate, it's the damn dentist, and now I gotta go because my ambesol is running low, my vicodin have expired and I'm not getting good sleep because of it. Apparently, I looked up my symptoms and I'm either gonna have to have the teeth pulled (my back two on the top nearest to my wisdom teeth that I had pulled last year) or a root canal. Neither of which excites me or makes me feel gre
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