I wish I could really say a lot's been happening, but other than school, life's been kinda blah . I'm enjoying my life, though...enjoying being able to take this time (since school's not that particularly challenging ) to find my center and enjoy my time as a bum. LOL. I've got a job interview working retail later on today, and I'm hoping I get it, so my time can be filled with something more than studies....not that I'm not grateful, but the last time I was in school, I was studying and working and maintaining a relationship. 2 out of 3 ain't bad....for now.
Men, men, men. I kinda bit off more than I could chew with my ex, the former Mr. Wonderful. We talked on the phone last night, and he said that he misses me. I asked him if he missed me or the idea of me, the experiences we shared together, or just the relationship. He says he misses my laugh. When he said that, I actually laughed. It's weird...this whole love-like-care about pyramid, this cycle that I go through with him...from liking him to hating him to wanting to spend a month curled in his arms....and the drama he's capable of putting on me..it's done nothing but stress me out! I'm conflicted in that I want to see a future with him, but I know there isn't one. My entire body, heart, soul and mind say not to go there....but there's a sliver of my heart that just...is hesitant. I wish the decision would be unanimous.
My mom says I need to stop worrying about him, and go out more. So, I decided to do just that. There's a cute guy who goes to my school...well, he's not really cute, he's amazingly sexy, like how my ex is. Anyway, we've been friends for a while, hanging out with our respective social circles and whatnot. I kinda like his style, but not the point where I'm SPRUNG...lol. Anyway, before I could even entertain the idea of possibly going that route with him, I find out that he's in a relationship. Been that way for a while too...and he's unhappy in it. Well, I'm no homewrecker, so I decided to leave it alone. However, HE started pursuing me....calling me, trying to get close to me, etc...and of course, I'm open to that. Well., I guess it'd be like this pattern...I'd be with him, (forgetting about the fact that he has a girl) and then be reminded and then feel like an evil slut or something, despite the fact I hadn't even gotten that deep into something with him. So, I've decided to leave that alone before I get hurt or even grow attached to him.
Then, there's my so-called fiancee. He's cool, but it's complicated. I wonder if I was in the same city as him if I'd be with him..and I know I might be. I didn't really know him when I was in DC, but we got closer after I left. Part of me doesn't really know him on the level to really, really, really care about...but something about him is so....honest. He's sort of all-American kind of cute, dimples, all that. He wants a nice career, and is going to get it, he's smart, intelligent, a little nerdy but not really nerdy and definitely a good time. We're not together because of the distance thing, but I recently found out he's talking to a bunch of girls, none of which are his girlfriend...(he says he's only giving that title to me) but I'm not exactly sure if that's what I want with him. He says he wants to marry me someday, which is why he asked to be engaged to be engaged, but....I have my doubts.
Then there's me. Of course I'm not a man, but sometimes I ruin my own happiness. I had a perfectly good relationship in DC, and I destroyed it. I don't really think I was ready for it at the time...and it seemed to be way to serious. Mind you, I was in my partying stage when that relationship happened. Add that to the fact that the guy was probably the most controlling and obsessive person I've ever met...not wanting me to go out with my girls, wanting to spend time with me 24/7 except when I was in class and at work, all that obsessive stuff. (And he was like that before I destroyed things by just totally rebelling against him and his ways...lol) After I started doing whatever the hell I wanted, then he got worse. But, it could have been avoided if I'd been upfront instead of pushing him away. Ironically, even though I'm talking as though I want to be with that guy, I really am glad I'm not. Elated, actually.
I think I'm gonna go join a convent..
Kisses ,
A.R.
P.S.- I have this damn toothache that will not stop. Feels like someone's got my gums and tooh in a vice. Sigh...if there's one thing I hate, it's the damn dentist, and now I gotta go because my ambesol is running low, my vicodin have expired and I'm not getting good sleep because of it. Apparently, I looked up my symptoms and I'm either gonna have to have the teeth pulled (my back two on the top nearest to my wisdom teeth that I had pulled last year) or a root canal. Neither of which excites me or makes me feel gre
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
He's Got Really Buttery Fingers And A Great FICO
Well, I was stressed but no more. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin. For a while, I was a little out of it, not sure if it was just exhaustion due to lack of sleep or just being a little worried about the status of my social life, but I've got goals and dreams and plans. Bumps in the road are to be expected.
Kevin and I had an argument a few days ago...and we argue all the time. It's part of being best friends since we were 8 or 9. However, this argument was different because he stepped outside of himself, and I had to knock him back into his skin. Here's the situation...he'll hear about this but whatever.
Kevin's parents take care of him. I mean, he told his mom he wanted a car for Christmas, and she didn't get him a used car or anything like that, but she bought him a 2006 Infiniti G35. Altogether, the car cost about $35,000+. He also started school at Georgetown University on a partial scholarship, but he only got that because his SAT score was 1520 and his grades from his online classes were all A's. His grandmother sold her house and moved into a condo in California and put the money into an account that she'll be using to pay the leftover amount of his tuiton with, which is about 13,000 a year. Basically, the boy's got it made. Money has never been an issue with him...EVER...so he's not exactly the most responsible person when it comes to it.
When he said he was going to school, his mom and stepdad got him a credit card. Not just any credit card, but an AmeX with a 10,000 limit. Mind you, he's not going to spend that much, but still. So, when I told him I got my credit evaluated and was trying to get it up to par so I could buy my 4flat next year, he told me that he didn't think I was responsible when it came to money. I laughed so hard...until I realized he was serious. I know we fight like a married couple, but he's lecturing me about money when he decided on a whim that he was going to buy a 1500 surfboard so he could take up surfing when he lived in Cali, and lost it in two days! Never filed a claim, never did anything because he was too forgetful. 1500 bucks down the drain. Or, when he bought a 450 pair of shoes and wore them once, found them to be too small and then gave them to the Salvation Army....lol. I was mad.
He ended up apologizing yesterday, but it was just the tip of my iceberg. I've not been able to sleep, I've been exhausted and I've felt a little bummed. However, getting 'engaged' on valentine's day morning was nice...made me feel special. I wish I could go into more detail, but I have to scoot to class.
Kevin and I had an argument a few days ago...and we argue all the time. It's part of being best friends since we were 8 or 9. However, this argument was different because he stepped outside of himself, and I had to knock him back into his skin. Here's the situation...he'll hear about this but whatever.
Kevin's parents take care of him. I mean, he told his mom he wanted a car for Christmas, and she didn't get him a used car or anything like that, but she bought him a 2006 Infiniti G35. Altogether, the car cost about $35,000+. He also started school at Georgetown University on a partial scholarship, but he only got that because his SAT score was 1520 and his grades from his online classes were all A's. His grandmother sold her house and moved into a condo in California and put the money into an account that she'll be using to pay the leftover amount of his tuiton with, which is about 13,000 a year. Basically, the boy's got it made. Money has never been an issue with him...EVER...so he's not exactly the most responsible person when it comes to it.
When he said he was going to school, his mom and stepdad got him a credit card. Not just any credit card, but an AmeX with a 10,000 limit. Mind you, he's not going to spend that much, but still. So, when I told him I got my credit evaluated and was trying to get it up to par so I could buy my 4flat next year, he told me that he didn't think I was responsible when it came to money. I laughed so hard...until I realized he was serious. I know we fight like a married couple, but he's lecturing me about money when he decided on a whim that he was going to buy a 1500 surfboard so he could take up surfing when he lived in Cali, and lost it in two days! Never filed a claim, never did anything because he was too forgetful. 1500 bucks down the drain. Or, when he bought a 450 pair of shoes and wore them once, found them to be too small and then gave them to the Salvation Army....lol. I was mad.
He ended up apologizing yesterday, but it was just the tip of my iceberg. I've not been able to sleep, I've been exhausted and I've felt a little bummed. However, getting 'engaged' on valentine's day morning was nice...made me feel special. I wish I could go into more detail, but I have to scoot to class.
Wednesday, February 8, 2006
Guess I'll Die Another Day
Sometimes I get real reflective on my life. I sit down, think about where I am in terms of where I wanna be and decide if I'm happy with my life. I've decided that I'm not as happy as I thought. Sure, I'm healthy, I'm walking, talking and intelligent. I've got good looks and the world is my oyster...but there's no point in pursuing it if you have no motivation. I just feel lost in the mundane, and so much that I can't see far enough ahead to console myself in the fact that the mundane is temporary. I just can't focus on the goal, but instead focus on the obstacles. It's unfortunate too.
I'm a little unsure of things because this is the first time in a while that I feel like I made a bad decision. I feel like letting Mr. Wonderful go was a bad move despite all the drama...and maybe it's because I miss him terribly, everything about him to his smell to his habit of curling his arms around me in his sleep and his southern drawl, but I really think it's because I'm just feeling bummed and totally alone in the world.... I'm not really lonely, because I'm not sure I want a relationship, but I'm moreso mourning the loss of the relationship that I had with him. I knew when I got involved with him that I'd fall hard, I just never had any idea until he was gone.
So, I had to go to see a mutual friend, and mind you, I hadn't seen him in a week or two, and he just happened to be there. I felt like crawling into a wall and staying there. I basically took up residence in my friend's bathroom and stayed there until he finally came in and asked me what was wrong. The next thing I know, I just started crying. I mean, tears out of nowhere. They just seemed to bubble up and overflow out of me...and I didn't feel any better. Crying only makes me feel worse, which led to more crying. After spending a good few hours curled up next to him, making me remember what it was like to be with him, he took me home, (I live within walking distance) and consoled me for a while, and then left to go to work. He's supposed to meet me at my house at 2pm tomorrow, (apparently me crying changed his opinion of me and for the better...he said, "wow, you cry. it's a breakthrough."), since he had to be at work.
Am I turning into a girl? Am I lovesick? What the hell is wrong with me?
I really don't know what's up...I mean, crying? someone just shoot me...
Kisses,
A.
I'm a little unsure of things because this is the first time in a while that I feel like I made a bad decision. I feel like letting Mr. Wonderful go was a bad move despite all the drama...and maybe it's because I miss him terribly, everything about him to his smell to his habit of curling his arms around me in his sleep and his southern drawl, but I really think it's because I'm just feeling bummed and totally alone in the world.... I'm not really lonely, because I'm not sure I want a relationship, but I'm moreso mourning the loss of the relationship that I had with him. I knew when I got involved with him that I'd fall hard, I just never had any idea until he was gone.
So, I had to go to see a mutual friend, and mind you, I hadn't seen him in a week or two, and he just happened to be there. I felt like crawling into a wall and staying there. I basically took up residence in my friend's bathroom and stayed there until he finally came in and asked me what was wrong. The next thing I know, I just started crying. I mean, tears out of nowhere. They just seemed to bubble up and overflow out of me...and I didn't feel any better. Crying only makes me feel worse, which led to more crying. After spending a good few hours curled up next to him, making me remember what it was like to be with him, he took me home, (I live within walking distance) and consoled me for a while, and then left to go to work. He's supposed to meet me at my house at 2pm tomorrow, (apparently me crying changed his opinion of me and for the better...he said, "wow, you cry. it's a breakthrough."), since he had to be at work.
Am I turning into a girl? Am I lovesick? What the hell is wrong with me?
I really don't know what's up...I mean, crying? someone just shoot me...
Kisses,
A.
Thursday, February 2, 2006
The Emergence of An Urban SuperHero
Super Woman ain't got shit on ME, neither does Wonder Woman or Bat Woman. LOL.
Here's why.
Today, I'm in the car, getting dropped off at Chicago State by Mama...no big deal. We're driving south on Cottage Grove, headed towards 95th when Mama gets behind a school bus filled with kids. Some of the ones in the back look at us, and of course, me being me, I make faces at them and stuff. I'm doing that, when I see the bus start to look a little weird and I'm suddenly infused with this feeling that something bad is going to happen. I blink my eyes and look again, and just as the light on 87th goes red, I smell smoke coming from the exhaust/tail pipe.
Without thinking, me being the child-lover that I am, I get out of the car, (to my mom's surprise) and bang loudly on the bus door. The bus driver, looking dazed and confused, opens it, and when I tell him there is smoke coming from the bus, what does this mofo do but stop the bus and GET OUT TO LOOK AT IT. I get pissed because the first thing he needed to do was get the kids off, so that's what I decide to do, while he's out looking at the back. I make the kids line up in two lines, and calmly lead them off the bus and to the curb on 87th to safety. Just as the last kid is standing on that corner and the bus driver is walking towards us, looking at me as if he wants to kill me for 'cranking' him, there's a loud boom (yep, you guessed it, an explosion) that comes from the bus and it catches on fire, and black smoke fills the air, coming from the engine area. The police happen to be in the area (of course, it is 87th..lol) and they block it off and an officer comes and takes the kids to Dunkin Donuts (which I kinda found funny) for donuts and milk while they wait for another bus.
Turns out the bus gets burned to a crisp in the front area, basically rendering the front exit useless. Seems like I was just in the nick of time...someone was really looking out from above. Meanwhile, the police ask me a few questions, like what made me think something was wrong and all that. Then, they start calling me a hero and all that sort of stuff, commending me for my 'foresight and extreme bravery'.... I just think that I was doing something anyone else would have done if they'd seen what I saw, especially since kids were involved...I'd want someone to try to protect my kid, y'know? I didn't want anything, I didn't even give them my name, but I made sure to say goodbye to the kids before I left, and headed on my way to classes.
What a way to start the day....
Ashley Robin
Here's why.
Today, I'm in the car, getting dropped off at Chicago State by Mama...no big deal. We're driving south on Cottage Grove, headed towards 95th when Mama gets behind a school bus filled with kids. Some of the ones in the back look at us, and of course, me being me, I make faces at them and stuff. I'm doing that, when I see the bus start to look a little weird and I'm suddenly infused with this feeling that something bad is going to happen. I blink my eyes and look again, and just as the light on 87th goes red, I smell smoke coming from the exhaust/tail pipe.
Without thinking, me being the child-lover that I am, I get out of the car, (to my mom's surprise) and bang loudly on the bus door. The bus driver, looking dazed and confused, opens it, and when I tell him there is smoke coming from the bus, what does this mofo do but stop the bus and GET OUT TO LOOK AT IT. I get pissed because the first thing he needed to do was get the kids off, so that's what I decide to do, while he's out looking at the back. I make the kids line up in two lines, and calmly lead them off the bus and to the curb on 87th to safety. Just as the last kid is standing on that corner and the bus driver is walking towards us, looking at me as if he wants to kill me for 'cranking' him, there's a loud boom (yep, you guessed it, an explosion) that comes from the bus and it catches on fire, and black smoke fills the air, coming from the engine area. The police happen to be in the area (of course, it is 87th..lol) and they block it off and an officer comes and takes the kids to Dunkin Donuts (which I kinda found funny) for donuts and milk while they wait for another bus.
Turns out the bus gets burned to a crisp in the front area, basically rendering the front exit useless. Seems like I was just in the nick of time...someone was really looking out from above. Meanwhile, the police ask me a few questions, like what made me think something was wrong and all that. Then, they start calling me a hero and all that sort of stuff, commending me for my 'foresight and extreme bravery'.... I just think that I was doing something anyone else would have done if they'd seen what I saw, especially since kids were involved...I'd want someone to try to protect my kid, y'know? I didn't want anything, I didn't even give them my name, but I made sure to say goodbye to the kids before I left, and headed on my way to classes.
What a way to start the day....
Ashley Robin
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