Okay, so even though the first part of this blog was months and months ago, I felt it necessary to conclude it sometime before 2007 ended. Yes, no one really reads this, but I do not publicize this blog enough. That's my mistake. Oh well, that's gonna change. As I mentioned in part I, months ago I read Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages that my mom gave me after discussing my relationship. At that time, it was current, but now, its not so current. I guessed then what her message was, but the many months long gap between entries gave me the foresight to say that now I know what her meaning was...it was that she saw the potential of longevity between us because there was love there. She just wanted me to make the best decision for me....I already explained that I feel there are five types of significant others in relationships. Two of the five I named "The Distracter" and "The Con-Artist". "The Distracter" is pretty much a person who keeps you in awe, who you fall heads over heels for, and overwhelms you with charisma. In dealing with them, you lose yourself and become distracted from doing whatever it is that you originally planned, and you become overwhelmed in theirs. Whereas "The Con-Artist"creates an illusion in your mind that you will be safe, no matter what with them, that you will not face rejection, that their love is yours forever, and with them you will have a happy ending. However, it is simply that, an illusion, and when you realize that it is all false, you will crash and burn. Next, we have "The Pacifier", "The Smotherer" and "The Diffuser-Abuser".
The Pacifier:I also had my first interaction with the Pacifier in college. The Pacifier is the type of person who for whatever reason, leaves you unable to express yourself and conforms your needs and desires in a relationship to theirs. As such, you grow to resent the precedent that they have set with you, whether it be accidental or not, and even though you may love this person more than you could ever love someone....you will never be happy with them because they don't know the 'real' you. While Pacifier exist, the other position of this type is "The Pacifist" which means that you are the one that inadvertently suppresses your mate's feelings and desires. In my case, I was a cooking, cleaning, washing and folding fool. Then later, in another relationship, I was "The Pacifist" and I had this guy bending over backward to do what I wanted, and I didn't realize it. Being a serial pacifist or pacifier just means that you tend to dominate or be dominated in relationships.Lesson Learned: You have to take time to know what you are and what you want in a relationship and cannot let yourself be convinced of otherwise. However, you also have to learn to compromise with that person so that both of your needs are met. If it is not an equal balance of communication and honesty, the relationship will not thrive and your heart will wind up broken.
The Smotherer: The Smotherer is simply that...someone who smothers you, so that you become "The Smothered". Like "The Pacifier", you can lose what I call your "relationship identity" (not just the role you have, but the things you want and need within that relationship) to the other person. However, where the Smotherer and the Pacifier differ is that the Smotherer may not just conform to your needs in a relationship, but your life as well. A Smotherer will want you to spend your time with them, and may expect you to do so that you end up sacrificing relationships with other friends, and if you bring it up, it may cause friction between you. Conversely, if you are smothering someone, they will become somewhat distant and may begin to lie to you about their whereabouts and schedule just to get some solo time. I found myself pretending to take more classes than I actually did, just so that I knew from 9am to 1pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my Smothering boyfriend would not call me. I can happily admit, I've never been a Smotherer. Lesson Learned: Even if you feel the euphoria of a new relationship, do not feel the need to draw a calendar of your exact schedule. Even if you do, don't always feel compelled to answer the phone. Sometimes it is nice to just be unavailable.
Lastly...
The Diffuser-Abuser: This one is always hard to label because things always seem great in the beginning. It usually starts with the "Diffuser-Abuser" expressing some extreme emotion, whether its unsupported jealousy, rage, anger over something trivial or endless questioning. They eventually find things to argue about, and will begin to distrust you. No matter what you say or do, you cannot and will not convince them you are faithful to the relationship. The abuse you receive is not physical but emotional. However, because their mistrust comes from their own insecurities, it will be something that will inevitably break up the relationship. Sad fact, but true.Lesson Learned: No matter how much time or energy you spend reassuring the Diffuser-Abuser that you are faithful, (and with this type, you have to be, since they more than likely are a Smotherer also) they will not believe you. It is better to let them go find a similar type to harass and stay away. It will be hard because sex with Diffuser-Abusers tends to be some of the best, if not the best you have or ever will have in life.
Now granted, there are sub-divisions...those will be explained later.
Hope this helps you identify your mate,
A.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Whomever Said "Love is Easy", They Are Lying to Themselves or Celibate Part I
I never realized how much give and take goes into a relationship. I just finished reading a book called Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages that my mother handed to me one morning after I'd sat on her bed discussing my current relationship. What her exact message was, I cannot guess, mainly because she is an expert at double meanings. Written by Dr. Robin L. Smith, best known as being the psychologist that is often featured on Oprah's show anytime there are people with relationship issues, the book discusses healthy techniques to solidify an existing marriage, to prepare for an upcoming marriage, as well as things to demand in a healthy relationship. While readingI thought about my current relationship, but more so about how my past relationships had affected my outlook on love and how I'd changed. I realized in doing so that I am different, not in a bad or good way, but different. I've broken down the men in my life, not by name, but by type and the relationship, as well as its outcome and what I've learned and can pass on to those. (These can apply to men and women, so if this sounds like your partner, but just a "he" instead of "she", know the pronouns are interchangeable.)
The Distracter: I met him when I was in high school, and was immediately taken aback by his looks. He was pretty much the guy you dream of and can easily find yourself going out of your way to see. I pretty much was infatuated with him, loving the moments when I was in his company and hating the moments when I was not. He was interested in me, if not for my naviete (because in those days, I truly was, especially when it came to the opposite sex), but for my attempts at humor, my ability to hang on his every word and syllable. Whatever he told me, I took it as the truth, hook, line and sinker. However, he was also a charismatic handsome man, and that is a lethal combination. So his lies became my truth, and his world became what I lived for...he diverted me from my own goals and inexplicably created new ones for me, and in becoming a part of his world, his goals and his fantasy, I lost myself. When I began to realize this, as others around me did also, I started to pull away, and even though his good looks kept my heart aflutter, my brain knew better. Eventually, we went our seperate ways, not because of a conflict that came to a boil but something much more simple....Mr. Distracter needed a present audience, and if he traveled off to school, I was unable to follow. Lesson Learned: You have to be secure in who you are and love that person, from your morals to your clothes, before you can even think to love someone else. You have to know yourself before you can know someone else.
The Con-Artist: My first interaction with the Con-Artist was in college. Now, don't get me wrong, he never stole a dime from me. When I call him the Con-Artist, I mean that he was able to build himself in my mind, heart and spirit as the end-all answer to my problems. The actual con was that it took me a while to discover that it was an illusion, and instead of stealing my money, he stole my belief that men were trustworthy. The sadder thing was that Mr. Con-Artist did not realize he was creating this illusion, and if he did, in his eyes it was the best he could give me. Initially, I took his feelings and expressions of love as enough, but I needed more..to know his feelings were unconditional, as mine were for him. That was the illusion, because at the first true test, all his dissatisfaction towards me and things I could not change altered his 'love' for me and our fractured relationship. Because the illusion was so elaborate and well-maintained through time, the men that came after him had to deal with the damage he'd created on my psyche, restore my faith in men, and though some were good men, great men even, the work proved to be too much. As a result, I ended up losing out on a guy who could have been my relationship partner for a long time...maybe not forever, but a while. Lesson Learned: Each relationship is its own entity, and just because the last person broke your heart, it does not mean that the next person will. You have to find ways to repair yourself so that the next person that comes along does not have to deal with the remnants of a Con-Artist.
Coming in Part II:The Pacifier, The Smotherer and The Diffuser-Abuser
Ashley Robin
The Distracter: I met him when I was in high school, and was immediately taken aback by his looks. He was pretty much the guy you dream of and can easily find yourself going out of your way to see. I pretty much was infatuated with him, loving the moments when I was in his company and hating the moments when I was not. He was interested in me, if not for my naviete (because in those days, I truly was, especially when it came to the opposite sex), but for my attempts at humor, my ability to hang on his every word and syllable. Whatever he told me, I took it as the truth, hook, line and sinker. However, he was also a charismatic handsome man, and that is a lethal combination. So his lies became my truth, and his world became what I lived for...he diverted me from my own goals and inexplicably created new ones for me, and in becoming a part of his world, his goals and his fantasy, I lost myself. When I began to realize this, as others around me did also, I started to pull away, and even though his good looks kept my heart aflutter, my brain knew better. Eventually, we went our seperate ways, not because of a conflict that came to a boil but something much more simple....Mr. Distracter needed a present audience, and if he traveled off to school, I was unable to follow. Lesson Learned: You have to be secure in who you are and love that person, from your morals to your clothes, before you can even think to love someone else. You have to know yourself before you can know someone else.
The Con-Artist: My first interaction with the Con-Artist was in college. Now, don't get me wrong, he never stole a dime from me. When I call him the Con-Artist, I mean that he was able to build himself in my mind, heart and spirit as the end-all answer to my problems. The actual con was that it took me a while to discover that it was an illusion, and instead of stealing my money, he stole my belief that men were trustworthy. The sadder thing was that Mr. Con-Artist did not realize he was creating this illusion, and if he did, in his eyes it was the best he could give me. Initially, I took his feelings and expressions of love as enough, but I needed more..to know his feelings were unconditional, as mine were for him. That was the illusion, because at the first true test, all his dissatisfaction towards me and things I could not change altered his 'love' for me and our fractured relationship. Because the illusion was so elaborate and well-maintained through time, the men that came after him had to deal with the damage he'd created on my psyche, restore my faith in men, and though some were good men, great men even, the work proved to be too much. As a result, I ended up losing out on a guy who could have been my relationship partner for a long time...maybe not forever, but a while. Lesson Learned: Each relationship is its own entity, and just because the last person broke your heart, it does not mean that the next person will. You have to find ways to repair yourself so that the next person that comes along does not have to deal with the remnants of a Con-Artist.
Coming in Part II:The Pacifier, The Smotherer and The Diffuser-Abuser
Ashley Robin
Monday, July 2, 2007
"Look Mommy, There's a Volkswagen Sittin on the Side of the Road at 1am"..."Ooh, Let's Keep Drivin!"
Last night had to be the suckiest night ever. Seriously. I felt like goin to see my cousin in the suburbs and drowning my sorrows (more about those later) in a sickeningly-sweet alcoholic beverage. I got there, had a good time, probably a little too much to drink and spent an hour sobering up over ridiculously hot buffalo wings and blue cheese, leaving out only because my stomach was doing more flips than Mary Lou Retton on speed. Driving on the way home, I was thinking about my current situation, trying to get as much mental process done and started feeling a little tired. Lucky for me and all the other drivers on the highway, I had a can of Red Bull in my backseat. So, not realizing my gas tank is damn near empty, I pull over to get it out of my pseudo overnight bag. Unfortunately, the bag was in the trunk. I remembered reading somewhere that people were getting out of their cars while leaving the keys in the ignition and wound up locked out of their own car, so I cut the car off and hopped out, using them to get the trunk open and my taurine-flavored energy drink. I stood there for a minute, gulping down the can's contents in what my mother calls "Bumblefu*k" (i.e. Nowheresville, USA population: YOU) and watch the cars whizzing past me. I can't help but feel that Bumblefu*k doesn't seem like such a bad place to take residence..at least temporarily. Anyway, I got a little chilly and decided to get back in the car and on the road, because the cool air had given me some additional energy. I get in the car, turn the ignition and whoops....car's not starting. I keep trying, my three inch heel boot covered foot pushing the gas pedal damn near to the floor over and over when a voice in my subconscious says to me. "Hey dummy, you forgot gas before you left her house and got on the highway...you decided to wait because it was cheaper out here...now the car's pretty much on empty and won't start!" I feel even more sucky. I look at myself in the mirror as if to say "Stupid, Stupid, Stupid..." but suddenly feel the buffalo wings coming up....(you don't wanna hear about the next part, but let's just say I have a reason to not eat buffalo wings that are that hot again). After that, I find my cell phone that is damn near dead and call my boyfriend. He doesn't answer. I would call my mom, but she's knocked out on demerol for a painful tooth, and my dad's in New York, so all he's gonna do is try to call my mom. As I'm thinking about who would be up at 1-something-am on a Monday morning, and out of those, who would be willing to drive out to Bumblefu*k to rescue a half-awake, mostly sober with a stomach churning more acid than the vial that created the Joker, Red Bull chugging, buffalo wing and mojito breath having 5 foot 2 and 1/2 nitwit who forgot to put gas in her tank because she's too preoccupied with other issues, the phone dies. Hahaha...now the joke's on me. Sadly, I ain't laughing. As I walk to the nearest exit, which was a little bit of a ways, but luckily I have a flashlight and an umbrella in the car. (The flashlight so I don't get lost in the dark and the umbrella for thwacking whom or whatever may feel the presence of mind to pounce on me..), I reflect, "How did I get here?" "What was I thinking?" and more importantly, "What would Lois Lane do?" (Superman was on earlier, and my thoughts late at night are almost always completely random). Finally, after staggering up the side of the off-ramp without being hit, feet aching and somewhat irritated at myself and my own silliness, I spot the best thing I've seen all night, a BP Amoco, which logo strangely reminds me of the LimeWire file sharing application. Debit card in hand, ready to borrow gas can from the station, I am sure that unlike dear Lois, I can save myself and will not require the assistance of a red-caped, blue-tight adorned gentleman.
Fate or circumstance, whichever you believe in, was not through with making my evening worse, however. I'm all ready to take said gas can to said stranded vehicle with about five or six dollars of gas in said can when the attendant, a weird fellow named Sherman, informs me my debit card isn't being read by his lovely machines. Many lovely profane words later, I am standing outside staring at a pay phone. I have to call someone to help me out of this mess, and I am slightly pissed. Saving myself would have been so much more interesting. Luckily, a buddy of mine who suffers from insomnia, along with his need to rescue people is known for being up and going on crazy missions in the middle of the night has a similar phone number to my own. (You must realize that my own memory at this point of the night is crap, and my cell phone is worthless.) I call, and luckily, he answers, saying he is on the way. Bless insomniacs when you need them. A strange conversation and a courtesy cup of hot chocolate later, I am accompanied with gas in a gas can back to my car. Also, I have been given 10 dollars to put into my tank so that I can indeed arrive home. I walk in the door sometime around 2, not sure when, send an slightly irritated text to aforementioned sleepy boyfriend and pile in the bed.
Ashley Robin
Fate or circumstance, whichever you believe in, was not through with making my evening worse, however. I'm all ready to take said gas can to said stranded vehicle with about five or six dollars of gas in said can when the attendant, a weird fellow named Sherman, informs me my debit card isn't being read by his lovely machines. Many lovely profane words later, I am standing outside staring at a pay phone. I have to call someone to help me out of this mess, and I am slightly pissed. Saving myself would have been so much more interesting. Luckily, a buddy of mine who suffers from insomnia, along with his need to rescue people is known for being up and going on crazy missions in the middle of the night has a similar phone number to my own. (You must realize that my own memory at this point of the night is crap, and my cell phone is worthless.) I call, and luckily, he answers, saying he is on the way. Bless insomniacs when you need them. A strange conversation and a courtesy cup of hot chocolate later, I am accompanied with gas in a gas can back to my car. Also, I have been given 10 dollars to put into my tank so that I can indeed arrive home. I walk in the door sometime around 2, not sure when, send an slightly irritated text to aforementioned sleepy boyfriend and pile in the bed.
Ashley Robin
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Waiting, Hoping, Wishing...
I'm in a rut. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, except it's not. Have you ever felt that way? Kinda like you were waiting on someone to take you somewhere, but they never showed and didn't call? So you're standing around, waiting, anxious and looking forward to going wherever they were supposed to take you?
Ladies and gentlemen, that sums up how I've been feeling for the past month and some change. I'm sure part of it is me wanting a change of scenery, not wanting to be in school anymore, feeling like it is taking forever to get my goals accomplished, and not really feeling inspired to pursue anything. I've never felt so out of sorts, except when I was attending Howard, and I ended up dropping out to run around the country with John Kerry and John Edwards. (And we all know how that turned out...haha). What's funny is, I can't remember being happier in that time, when I was in one city one day, on the bus to somewhere else the next...and trust me, it had nothing to do with politics. It was just exciting. So, I think I've found my solution. I'm planning on trying to go abroad next fall...it'll be a change of scene, pace and I'll be exposing myself to a whole new set of things. Plus, I may just decide to stay....who knows? The world can change and shift on a dime....and my world can too.
This decision plays into another one...as far as me putting myself back into a relationship. I'm at the point where I know I'm ready for one, but because I have this whole get-up-get-out attitude, it might be a killer on any possible chance I'd have of starting one. Plus, I've had blinders on my eyes for so long and it's been too long since I've actually even dated, I wouldn't even know where to start. Certainly not at school....guys are hard to find, well, guys that I'm interested in...(I am picky, you know...) All I can say is, we'll see. Who knows what will happen in the next few days, weeks, months. I'm about to go handle some bizness, but that's my current frame of mind right now.
Ashley Robin
Ladies and gentlemen, that sums up how I've been feeling for the past month and some change. I'm sure part of it is me wanting a change of scenery, not wanting to be in school anymore, feeling like it is taking forever to get my goals accomplished, and not really feeling inspired to pursue anything. I've never felt so out of sorts, except when I was attending Howard, and I ended up dropping out to run around the country with John Kerry and John Edwards. (And we all know how that turned out...haha). What's funny is, I can't remember being happier in that time, when I was in one city one day, on the bus to somewhere else the next...and trust me, it had nothing to do with politics. It was just exciting. So, I think I've found my solution. I'm planning on trying to go abroad next fall...it'll be a change of scene, pace and I'll be exposing myself to a whole new set of things. Plus, I may just decide to stay....who knows? The world can change and shift on a dime....and my world can too.
This decision plays into another one...as far as me putting myself back into a relationship. I'm at the point where I know I'm ready for one, but because I have this whole get-up-get-out attitude, it might be a killer on any possible chance I'd have of starting one. Plus, I've had blinders on my eyes for so long and it's been too long since I've actually even dated, I wouldn't even know where to start. Certainly not at school....guys are hard to find, well, guys that I'm interested in...(I am picky, you know...) All I can say is, we'll see. Who knows what will happen in the next few days, weeks, months. I'm about to go handle some bizness, but that's my current frame of mind right now.
Ashley Robin
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