Dream a Little Dream...

Hey,

Today is a sad day. I realized that today I put a wall up when it comes to people. Not just in my relationships, but friendships and whatnot. I'm very guarded, which is something that was hard for me to admit. So, I'm sad. I believe that I've always allowed myself to be an asshole, someone who listened and never spoke, and when I did speak, the words weren't as honest as the words I'd heard from others. Oh, I've known for a long time that I'm an asshole in certain ways, and that I, like most people, can be pretty self-serving, but in this time that I've spent stress-free, I've had the chance to learn about myself, and know more about the girl who stares back at me when I look in the mirror. 

First, she's not a girl, she's a woman. A woman who knows what she wants, and when she wants it. A woman who won't settle, who will do anything for her family and who is loyal to her friends to a fault. A woman who finds humor in the crude, wise and intellectual things, and who gets her kicks from reading about policy law. A woman who is learning to smile more, to be more open and to not hold herself to some incredibly high standard, a standard so high that she doesn't even hold others to it. It's unrealistic for them, and now, as I've learned, is unrealistic for me. There is no formula to life, and there is no appropriate time to do things, except when the time feels right and the stars are aligned. (If you believe in that sort of thing)

So, I'll learn to dream a little, to not worry about having a plan and to move forward naturally, not because of pressure from others, the outside world and the need to feel as if whatever I'm doing is 'acceptable'. 

On A More Personal Note, I forgot to mention...

Happy Belated Birthday Aaliyah Dana Haughton, who would have been celebrating her 30th birthday, January 16th, 2009. 

I miss her a lot...she truly was an angel on earth, heaven sent. 

Rest Forever in Heaven, and Rest In Peace.

Love You.

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Today Would Have Been:

Hey,

Today, I'm a bit bummed. I know that I am bummed and blue because of many different reasons. One of the reasons is that I have to return to school on Tuesday (Wednesday if I can get the okay to watch the Inauguration). I'm not looking forward to school mainly because I have spent more time stressed there then anywhere else. Last semester was so rough for me, emotionally, just because a lot of drama happened. And ironically, most of the drama was not my doing, for a change. I was unwillingly pulled into a situation that was out of my control and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Because it happened, I was accused of having part in its creation, and the drama followed me as a result of that accusation. It sucked, and I looked forward to the break to just get away from it. And I did. While I didn't travel anywhere major, I was absolutely stress-free. I enjoyed talking to my dad, hanging out with my mom, sipping hot toddies and watching Jerry Springer. I'm sad to say goodbye to that time.

Another reason I'm bummed is because of the weather. When it gets cold, I tend to just retreat into myself, and not really want to do much of anything. I find that I get bored with being in the house, but unable to push myself into the world. It's a weird limbo that I live in, and while I don't like it, I find comfort in it. However, this cold is unlike anything I've ever seen. It moves, it breathes, and it just turns people into....assholes. Today, I was out in the cold, trying my best to be polite to people, and not only did some man try to steal my shopping cart at the store, in his efforts to take the cart (which had my cell phone and keys in it) he pushed me into the snow. I was lucky in that I could grab my stuff before he disappeared into the store, but what if I'd been unable? I was shouting at him that I'd grabbed the cart, but he didn't care. At all. I wasn't hurt by it emotionally or physically, but it was just the rudeness that hit me just like the cold. Hard, insensitive and unrelenting.

I'm also going through a stage where in my recovery of my past relationship that I begin to feel sorry for myself. Overall, mainly because it looks like I'll have a whole year after graduation to kill before I go to law school. And I know that in that year, time may go by slowly or fast, depending on what I am doing with myself. For example, my mom asked me when I was going to start dating again, and I had to excuse myself so that I wouldn't cry. Pathetic, I know, but I'm just feeling a little off center. I've not had much luck with relationships, and I'm starting to feel like I'm not meant to. And before anyone says it, I'm not whining, or even looking. I guess it's the inertia of my life, the uncertainty of what's to come. I can plan my semester, even a few weeks or so after, but the rest...remains unknown. With the job market being even more depressing and unrelenting than the cold, it just seems like next year, I'll be doing nothing but blogging and writing. Which is okay, but unless I get some crazy idea to make an income off of it or join a cult start work for PrePaid Legal it won't pay my student loans. 

Thank god for Forbearance!

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin*

Falling Out (part II)

Hey,

So to continue my previous post, there are many reasons why I cannot let Mr. Wonderful out of my life.

Our relationship was tumultuous, to say the least. It was full of extremes, extreme love, anger, pain, detest, passion, arguments, making up and complacency. But if it is nothing, it is familiar, and I love that about it. I love the moments where I don't have to think with him, and the fact that no matter what the emotion that he and I are experiencing, I can always go to him and curl up in his arms and stay there for as long as I want. He's never, ever pushed me away. That's not the way he is, though, but that's how he is with me, and despite all the potential drama, I don't want to let that walk away out of my life, because overall, there is history there and at the end of the day, I value his friendship, respect his opinion and always will look for his encouragement.

Another thing about our relationship is that although it's full of extremes, it reminds me of the relationship that my parents had. Volatile to the extreme, they fought like dogs. Some days they were fighting, even to the point of physical blows...but then, hours or up to a day later they'd be laughing together or all over each other. It was kind of gross because it was my parents, but at the same time, interesting. When I found my ideal mate, I promised myself that I'd have some of that passion in my relationship with them. With Mr. Wonderful, I found out that extreme existed and it was with him. It was easy to fall back into the cycle, and now more than ever, I find myself standing on a precipice, not sure how to behave because being without him is unfamiliar.

We often go weeks without talking to each other. It's normal, and usually means that one or both of us is pursuing something with someone else. After seeing him out Christmas shopping around the end of November with a girl who obviously was into him on that level, I decided to move on. Seeing him with her didn't upset me as much as I thought it would, and it snapped me out of my whole "waiting for him" stage. So, I decided to go on a date. And it was nice. More than nice, it was drama-free. So, I found myself feeling things that were relatively foreign to me, and while I enjoyed those feelings, I found myself feeling strange because they weren't feelings for Mr. Wonderful. I found myself wanting to explore them, but also wanting to dissect them. I decided to ignore my head and just go with the flow. 

It is difficult when you have loved someone for so long and then you realize that they have either forgotten you or moved on. It is agonizing to admit your love for them in the first place, and just as agonizing to not know what they are thinking when you do admit it. In my case, I've loved three people in my life, one died when I was young, the second loved someone else more and Mr. Wonderful was the third. My love for him probably was the deepest, because he helped me get over a lot of different things. So, when I was faced with the decision of having to let him go so I could move on, I choked.

It goes on even more....

Thoughts?

*Ashley Robin

Subscribe if you Wanna, If You Wanna...

Hey,

So I've received the 20th good comment about my blog. Thanks to everyone who reads and laughs, cries or just plain ol' feels sorry for me. LOL...if I read this and I wasn't me, I'd feel bad for me....because things are pretty sh**ty right about now...however, they'll get better. Just so everyone knows so I don't have to answer them over and over again, I've posted the 10 most asked questions I've received about this little venture of mine, and the answers I've given to them.

Why have you decided to blog now, with all this stuff you have going on in your life? Aren't you supposed to keep the personal things, well...personal?

A regular and sane person probably would keep things that happen in their life to themselves, however, if you have read my blogs or know me personally, you'd know that I am neither regular or sane. The honest truth is, I'm not doing it looking to get a million hits or anything like that, but I have all this stuff rolling around in my head and it drives me crazy not being able to somehow get it out of me. For me, writing this blog to "nobody and everybody" is a way for me to release it. I also like hearing what people have to say about my drama, sometimes another opinion helps me see things better. And, if I am able to help another person resolve their issues, which I have; read about it here, then it's a great thing and will make me feel less sorry for myself and less inclined to drink.

Does this stuff really happen to you, or are you just making it up?

I promise that every word that happens is true. I tell the events as they happen, and I try to not embellish too many things or change too many details, and if I did, it only is to protect the identities of those involved. Honestly, my life is crazy, chaotic and really random, that's why I named it the MisAdventures of Ashley Robin, not the Wonderful Happenstances of Ashley Robin. 

When are you gonna talk more about your childhood?

I had no idea people even wanted to know what I was like when I was a kid, but I'll slowly bring up my childhood, which was just as strange as my life now, if not stranger...

How often do you plan on posting entries? Is there a way to request you to talk about certain things?

Well, it's easy for me to post regularly now because I'm not as busy, but during the school year, I'll try to post at least 2x a week. They may not be super long, or they may expand into videos so that those who don't know me can finally see what I really look like! Leave me a comment if you want something in particular discussed, and as long as I have an intelligent and blogworthy view on the subject, I'll blog it.

How do you feel when someone writes something negative about you?

Honestly, there's so much negative crap going on right now, nothing some internet thug could say would rattle me too much. I'm sure as my life gets more positive, there will be the one hater in the midst, and they'll be free to hate, because honestly...it keeps me going!

So, do you have a boyfriend? If not, can I take you out?

Wait, you read all my psycho babble and weird issues and you're still attracted and interested in me? WOW...well, meet me at a local sushi bar and I'm all yours. Don't like sushi? Well, then I'm not game. Because the bottom line, if you're a lame, a psycho, a nerd, a stalker, a jealous ex or just dumb, at least I'll have gotten some good maki out of it. I can deal with anything if there's maki on the table.

What do you look like?

I'm me. Nameless to those who don't know me...and Ashley to those who do. Apparently a lot of people in Japan read my blog and are curious. For them, I'll post a picture of myself soon.

Are you going to try to parlay this blog-writing into a living?

I don't really know. I say that because if I was trying to, I'd be busting my ass to get more and more hits, have ads all over and whatnot...and that's not really the kind of blog I'm interested in having. I think if I had thousands of people reading this a day, and knew about it, the entries might become edited just because I'd know that the phrase "blogging to nobody and everybody" would become just blogging to everyone. And while I love people, some of my business has to stay just mine. Plus, since half the stuff takes place because I am seeking higher education, it might become a little boring if I just sat on my laptop all the time.

What kind of laptop are you using to blog?

I'm currently on a 15-inch Macbook Pro with Windows Vista loaded onto it as well. I like the interface of Mac OS better than Wndows, but let's face it, the world is Windows-based...for now. (You guys are seeing the beginnings of an evil plan forming...haha)

Any advice to someone looking to write a blog?

Well, I'm no Perez, getting a few hits a day does not make me an expert, but I'd say be yourself. It shouldn't matter if anyone reads it or not, because let's face it, everyone blogs, so they probably won't....but if you are 100% true to yourself, then at least you can have one fan. 

So those are the questions I've received and my answers. If you ask me any of these after my posting this, you will get a note or im with this link and a swift kick in the ass. 

That is all.

PS- Just so you know, I will be blogging more about things going on, I'm just getting my thoughts together about what I want to say. There is some physical damage with the accident, but I am okay, thanks to modern medicine. That's another entry though. Thanks for the concern. 

Live Life Like It's the Fourth Quarter and 90 seconds left in the game,

Ashley Robin

Making Decisions

Hey,

So the last time I blogged I was trying to decide between law school and grad school. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I wanted to do something big with my life. However, I never knew what that something big would be. I couldn't sing, didn't want to dance, didn't think I was capable of composing a great symphony and lacked the attention span to actually write a book. However, I could argue my butt off and think logically about a situation. 

So, it's no surprise that I've made the decision to go to law school. I know it'll be a challenge, but it's something I'm up for. And I'm 100% convinced it's the right decision for me, even though there are so many lawyers or soon-to-be lawyers running around these days. I know I'll shine, and I know I'll excel at whatever part of law I choose to practice. 

Now that it is over and done, I'm looking forward to the challenge of applying to law school, waiting to find out which school will accept me and what sweatshirt I will proudly wear as I head from class to class, and what school will make me invest in a pair of reading glasses. (I've had LASIK, but I know future lawyers do a lot of reading).

A.